Rules to Keep You Alive
by DuskMoon15
Summary: Look, I don't know how you got here, and I don't want to. But if you're going to stay here, then there are some rules you need to know to stay alive. Oh, and I should probably tell you who I am before we get into that. My name is Shiloh Winters, and I'm the only human who lives on the Nemesis.
1. General Rules - I

_**Rule # 1: Never tell Starscream you like his high-heels. Ever.**_

(I did that once… and he took me for a joyride.)

(Worst. Flight. Ever.)

(And my stupid excuse for a guardian – who just so happens to be Knock Out, mind you – let him take me.)

(I came back with more bruises and scratches than the time I tried to take Knock Out's buffer.)

(Let's just say I'll be avoiding the fliers for a while.)

_**Rule # 2: If you run into Soundwave, don't tell him he'd make an excellent ninja.**_

(His deployers took it as an insult.)

(Ravage chased me into Breakdown and Knock Out's quarters.)

(Where Lazerbeak was waiting with a bucket of black paint mixed with glue.)

(And Rumble and Frenzy with one of my feather pillows that had been ripped in half.)

(Where they ever heard of the concept of 'tarring and feathering', I will never know.)

_**Rule # 3: Hardshell is not a bumblebee. Neither are any of the Insecticons.**_

(I pity the poor Vehicon who stepped in front of me at that exact moment.)

(Found out later that he only did it so as to make sure Knock Out didn't throw a hissy fit…)

(Apparently he's fond of his 'pet'.)

(I still had to hide in Knock Out and Breakdown's quarters until the next day to make sure no Insecticons were plotting my death.)

_**Rule # 4: Megatron is ****not**** a bucket-head. **_

(I didn't actually say that to our gracious Lord and Master - if I had, I wouldn't be here - but Dreadwing overheard it.)

(Never try running from a giant alien robot that can transform into a jet.)

(Not that I ran…)

(Much.)

_**Rule # 5: The song **_**_'The Itsy Bitsy Spider'_ **_**is now banned.**_

(Airachnid was not amused.)

(I ended up webbed to the ceiling and she wouldn't let anyone get me down.)

(I eventually did…)

(Thank Primus for Doctors with energon prods!)

_**Rule # 6: It's not Steve!**_

(Oh, the looks I got from the Vehicons!)

(I felt so bad… I mean, the poor mechs get thrown into battle and most of them don't even make it back alive…)

(Turns out they have individual names.)

(By the way, if you ever need help escaping from an angry Insecticon, ask for Shrike.)

_**Rule # 7: If you need to go shopping for clothes, do not take Knock Out.**_

(It's not that he has no sense of style… It's that he _does_.)

(He made me put on a number of dresses and skirts and silk tops.)

(I gave in to the tops.)

(Knock Out took that to mean that he could buy me the most extravagant outfits he could find…)

(And who knew Knock Out was good at applying makeup?)

(It's bad enough that my uncle used to put my makeup on for me, but having a sentient, giant being from a distant planet able to do it better than I can is just plain humiliating…)

_**Rule # 8: Do not pester Breakdown when he's trying to recharge.**_

(He will try to squish you. And he will feel no remorse for any injuries you sustain in dodging his servo, his hammer, and/or anything he throws at you.)

(Neither will Knock Out.)

(So… yeah, bad idea.)

_**Rule # 9: Dreadwing is not Megatron's pet turbofox, no matter how much he follows our Lord around.**_

(Yet another reason for me to avoid the fliers for a while…)

(I had to find a new hiding spot; apparently the First Lieutenant knew I always hid in Knock Out and Breakdown's quarters.)

(So off to find the squealer I went.)

_**Rule # 10: Be nice to the miners. **_

(They have very dangerous equipment.)

(It can kill you if you're not careful…)

(…Or if you tick off a miner. They don't really take well to being bothered when they're trying to work.)

(Now Knock Out has banned me from ever going into the energon mines again – even when I have a perfectly good reason to. He's an irritating, overprotective guardian, but I still love him.)

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**AN: Review to tell me what you think!**

**Next Chapter: Dealing with Airachnid. Feel free to send in any suggestions or requests on rules.**

**EDIT: Oh my Primus, I just realized there are eleven rules in this chapter! The original Rule # 10, which is about not kicking the console when you're mad, has been removed so I can put it into my next General Rules chapter - the thrid one, which hasn't been posted yet. I will edit this section when I have it where I want it to be, in chapter fourteen or fifteen, most likely.**


	2. Dealing with Airachnid

_**Rule # 11: As far as you're concerned, Arcee is not prettier than Airachnid. (By Random Fan)**_

(I didn't know what she'd do; I mean, come on! It's true that the two-wheeler's prettier than her.)

(Just a warning, all Decepticons enjoy inflicting physical punishment, but the spider-femme is even more of a sadist than Doc Knock.)

(I _still_ don't know how Airachnid got KO's energon prod. The medic is practically as fond of it as he is his finish.)

_**Rule # 12: Bug spray doesn't work on Airachnid. (By Autobot-Mayday)**_

(All it does is make her very, very angry.)

(Bruised, bleeding, and battered, I had to run back to the med-bay before she found me again. Knock Out was waiting and picked me up. Breakdown dragged us inside the room just in time – Airachnid was nearly there.)

(Fun fact: the Vehicons will protect you from Hardshell and the Insecticons, but they will not get in Airachnid's way.)

_**Rule # 13: If Airachnid asks if you want to see her collection, say no really loudly and then promptly exit the room. (By brave kid)**_

(I said yes.)

(I thought it was a collection of normal things, like maybe battle souvenirs or something…)

(I didn't know it was a collection of heads!)

(My knees still turn weak and my stomach flips over whenever someone mentions it.)

(Breakdown says he could hear me screaming halfway across the _Nemesis.)_

_**Rule # 14: Don't paint Airachnid pink. No exceptions.**_

(It just so happened that Knock Out had a brought my detailing supplies from my Uncle's shop – in case I got bored while he was on a mission or something.)

(Before Airachnid's revenge, let me explain the why of my so-called prank. I was mad because the spider-femme wrecked my game of hide-and-seek with Shrike, Dirge, Thrust, and some other Vehicons.)

(I wanted revenge. So I asked Breakdown what would make her really angry.)

(He thought for a moment, and then said that she hates the color pink.)

(I got my airbrush and some cans of pink paint I had been reserving for Vince's car a while back… and snuck into Airachnid's quarters. She was in recharge, thank goodness.)

(I had some ten shades of pink with me, so you can imagine what the creepy femme looked like after I finished.)

(Satisfied, I left and went to sleep.)

(I woke up with a dozen Insecticons staring at me, blasters activated. Imagine my shock… and mortal terror.)

(Breakdown had to rescue me for the third time that week.)

(It never gets old, hearing him yell _"Hammer time!"_)

_**Rule # 15: If you value your life, don't bother her when she's – Never mind, just don't bother her at all.**_

(I can still hear myself yelling that I only wanted to ask a question.)

(I'm a really bad liar, and Airachnid knows it.)

(She looked like she was about ready to murder me – and Knock Out for bringing me on board in the first place.)

_**Rule # 16: Just because Airachnid can get the Insecticons to do her bidding does not mean she is 'Queen Bee', so to speak.**_

(Remember when I said that the Insecticons were not bumblebees?)

(Apparently implying that Airachnid is their queen automatically makes them bumblebees again…)

(And remember when I mentioned earlier that the Vehicons won't stand in Airachnid's way?)

(Six Insecticons, one royally pissed Airachnid versus a human that barely stands tall enough to reach their knees with absolutely no backup at all.)

(So not a fair fight…)

(You'll never guess who came to my rescue – Dreadwing! Yeah, I don't get it either…)

_**Rule # 17: Getting between Airachnid and Starscream when they're arguing is hazardous to your health.**_

(I almost got stepped on twice…)

(…I was almost incinerated by a blast three times…)

(…I nearly got hit by a missile twice…)

(… And after getting exasperated and telling them to just shut the frag up… I was thrown into the wall…)

(…Which resulted in two broken ribs, a fractured collar bone, and a tear in my shoulder.)

(I should really watch my step around those two.)

_**Rule # 18: Mentioning the MECH Incident? Bad idea.**_

(Primus, did I get in for the worst rant of my entire life.)

(Believe me, I know rants. Knock Out gives 'em every time I do something he thinks could get me killed or even worse, when he gets scratched up.)

(I was not prepared for Airachnid to go ballistic on me! Being one of the smaller of the Decepticons does not mean she isn't packing some serious firepower. Creepy spider-femme's got cannons, blasters, blades, missiles and those talons.)

(By the way, those talons – they could make you lose a limb, or your life. Good thing she only hit me in the right arm – the one Knock Out had to replace after… Well, I don't want to talk about it right now.)

_**Rule # 19: Following Rule 18, the Autobot Arcee should not be spoken about within earshot of Airachnid.**_

(She's Megatron's torture specialist for a reason…)

(… I think you get the idea.)

_**Rule # 20: Following items 18 and 19, mention of Jackson Darby is not recommended. **_

(I know Darby from High School, and never really liked him.)

(He just seemed – I don't know… arrogant? Well, not really arrogant, but there was something about him that set my teeth on edge whenever I passed him by.)

(Now I find myself feeling a little respect for him. He's clever; I'll give him that…)

(But what really impressed me is that he blew up Airachnid's ship.)

(And now she's intent on revenge… and will try to offline anyone who even says his name.)

(Breakdown had to rescue me again… Knock Out was busy that week…)

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**AN: Forgot to mention last chapter: if you don't want to review, you can always PM me.**

**Responses to reviewers:**

**Brave kid: Glad you like it and I hope I'll be able to update this and Prime: the Beast Saga often.**

**Guest: I hadn't thought about that… I'll be sure to use it in an upcoming chapter.**

**Sorcelle Dragonmoon: Knock Out **_**is**_** awesome, isn't he? And I'm happy I made you laugh. It's not often I try my hand at humor.**

**Random Fan: Did you like the way I used your suggestion? And yes, Arcee is way prettier than Airachnid.**

**Naughtia: Yeah, I know. Not many people do rules for the Decepticons. About Starscream's voice – I'll use it next chapter.**

**Starcee138: It makes me very happy that you love my story, and that you find it amusing. **

**Autobot-Mayday: Bug spray, eh? I hadn't realized the implications of it. One thing I don't get, though: why 'Dorito of Doom'?**

**Hope-Alive90: No need to be sorry, I'm glad you got a laugh. That is the point of these rules, after all. **

**Oh, and before I forget – Next Chapter: Dealing with Starscream.**

**Good luck, Shiloh.**


	3. Dealing with Starscream

**AN: Guess who loves all of her reviewers? I do! I hadn't been expecting people to love this story so much. **

**As always, your suggestions brightened my day. I've been having an off week, so they're much appreciated.**

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_**Rule # 21: Never insult Starscream's voice. (By Naughtia)**_

(It's so scratchy and squeaky sometimes.)

(It hurts my ears.)

(I asked him if there was something wrong with his vocorder, and offered to schedule him an appointment with Knock Out if there was.)

(Don't give me that look – I was joking. I knew there was nothing wrong with him.)

(Unfortunately, Decepticons don't quite understand the concept of sarcasm enough to detect when you're being serious or not.)

(If that dumb-aft Seeker'd talk to me more, then maybe he'd catch on like pretty much everyone else has – except for Megatron, of course.)

(Instead, he tried to step on me, and I had to apologize because this whole thing happened in the medical bay.)

(Knock Out didn't appreciate me constantly 'antagonizing the crew.')

_**Rule # 22: Starscream is not the Dorito of Doom. (By Autobot-Mayday)**_

(I thought the nickname funny, but Starscream didn't.)

(He absolutely hates it.)

(He demanded to know why he was being compared to a human snack food.)

(My answer… he's shaped kind of like a triangle – and so are Doritos.)

(He certainly didn't take that well. I think confronting him about it in the rec-room wasn't my best idea…)

_**Rule # 23: High-heels do not a femme make. (By Autobot-Mayday)**_

(This occurred when Knock Out first brought me to the _Nemesis_, so I didn't know much about Cybertronians back then.)

(I saw the high-heels and thought, 'Oh, it's a girl Decepticon.' Because, honestly how many guys do you know who've _ever_ worn high-heels?)

(So asked Knock Out what 'her' name was.)

(I swear, the medic looked about ready to die, then and there.)

(Starscream's reply: "THIS HUMAN DARES CALL ME A FEMME?!")

(That ended up being my first instance of being afraid for my life – and realizing just how fragile I am compared to the Decepticons.)

_**Rule # 24: Questioning Starscream about the appearance of his frame is not acceptable. (By Anonymous BW FG)**_

(He's got a normally proportioned torso – though it seems bulky in comparison to the rest of him. And then those skinny little arms that look almost doll-like on him. But what's most out of whack are his legs – thin and stiletto-heeled!)

(Everything works together because of the color scheme, but take that away and he'd look like a jumble of mismatched parts.)

(I asked him why he looked the way he did, 'cause, you know, his frame looked weird to me.)

(He said very calmly, "It is more streamlined this way.")

(Of course, I had to argue about that. I asked him to jump of the edge of the warship in his primary mode so we'd see just how streamlined his frame really was.)

(He retorted by asking the same of me.)

_**Rule # 25: You are not allowed to record Lord Megatron's voice, no matter how hilarious the results. (By Anonymous BW FG)**_

(It turned out that Knock Out had grabbed my Ipod along with my detailing supplies. And it, being a sixth generation Nano, it had a video and voice recording feature on it.)

(I snuck into the bridge while Megatron was berating the gray Seeker for yet another failed mission, and recorded the entire thing – Starscream's whimpering and all.)

(My laptop was also among the things my guardian brought for me. So, then it was a simple matter of editing the sound-bytes I had recorded to take out all traces of Starscream's voice, increasing the volume of Megatron's, and downloading the finished product back onto my Ipod.)

(I waited until everyone was in recharge and made my way to Starscream's quarters, Ipod in hand. Careful not to wake him, I hid near the door – who knew how quickly I'd have to escape? – and played the edited audio.)

(Had I not thought to put in earplugs, my eardrums would have ruptured at the sheer volume of the audio. It did its job, waking Starscream up as easily as if I had gone and yelled in his audio receptor.)

(He hid under his berth, cowering there until I started to get tired and turned the recording off.)

(By that point, he realized he had been made a fool of by a human.)

(I'm proud to say I got out of there with only a scratch, but I'm not sure how much energon Starscream wasted in trying to shoot me…)

_**Rule # 26: Starscream and makeup do not mix. (By Rainy-Day)**_

(I had a bad case of boredom, and it probably didn't help that I was coming down with a case of something akin to what my relatives in Hawaii call island fever.)

(I wanted off the slagging warship right then. I wanted to go racing with Knock Out, or even my Uncle. Pit, at that point I would've settled for Vince.)

(But both KO and Breakdown were busy – something to do with Synth-En – so that ruled out racing. Airachnid was off limits after the paint incident. Hardshell and the Insecticons wouldn't offer suitable amusement. The Vehicons were all busy. Dreadwing was no fun. That left me with Starscream.)

(Luckily, Knock Out and I had gone to the mall two weeks previously, so I had an ample supply of makeup.)

(And I must add: I'm getting pretty good at applying it.)

(I'd already learned that most Decepticons despise the color pink, so I went with a sort of bluish-purple.)

(I didn't wait around to find out what Starscream did after he woke up and looked in the mirror that had oh-so-conveniently appeared in front of him. I was not in the mood for another episode of getting shot at.)

_**Rule # 27: Don't introduce Starscream to Youtube. (By Mrs. Knockout)**_

(I showed Starscream one harmless little video about Nyan Cat and suddenly he was surfing Youtube for hours.)

(Then, just for fun, he looked up his own name.)

(Up popped the video _Starscream Cookies.)_

(Primus, Screamer, why'd you have to click on the link?)

(He watched it, and after it finished, he didn't move. His optic twitched a little, but other than that he was completely still. Took him about five minutes for him to regain enough sense to yell, "What atrocity is this?!")

(I hadn't been paying attention to the video, so I replayed it – without Starscream's permission.)

(It was hilarious.)

(I mentioned that I thought the human trying to talk like Starscream sounded pretty good.)

(A thud echoed in the room. I turned around.)

(Poor Starscream. I think I made him glitch.)

_**Rule # 28: Don't interrupt Starscream's monologue. **_

(He gets very, very annoyed.)

(Apparently, telling him to take his pathetic aft somewhere else to conspire against Megatron is an insult.)

(Once again, I spent a good portion of my afternoon dodging missiles and the like.)

(I'd like just one day where someone on this warship had even a little sense of humor. Just one day. Is that too much to ask?)

_**Rule # 29: As far as you're concerned, Starscream is the rightful leader of the Decepticons.**_

(Only when no one's listening and Starscream directly asks you what you think on the matter, though.)

(I made the mistake of replying, "Only if Megatron takes a nosedive.")

(I remembered Knock Out mentioning that he once told Starscream the same thing. Didn't think much else about it.)

(Turned out, Starscream remembered, too.)

(And he wasn't fond of the memory.)

_**Rule # 30: Despite being punished for everything that goes wrong on the **_**Nemesis**_**, whether or not it is actually his fault, Starscream is not Megatron's whipping boy.**_

(Starscream didn't get it at first. Then he looked it up.)

(His expression should have told me what he thought of the comparison, but I stayed put, waiting for a response.)

(I got one, in the form of another fractured rib.)

(That brings the count of broken bones up to twelve.)

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**AN: Okay, I'm just gonna put this out there… If I write a story describing Shiloh's past and how she got involved with the Decepticons, would you guys read it?**

**Responses to Reviewers:**

**Autobot-Mayday: Duh! I totally understand that now, sorry for asking. By the way, I like your suggestions a lot.**

**Anonymous BW FG: I quite enjoyed writing Breakdown having to constantly save his partner's human, so I'm glad you like.**

**Guest: I'm in the process of starting to write it. It's called **_**Puppet Master.**_** And yes, the Autobots know about her. Later, they'll get their own chapter with Shiloh.**

**IHeartTFs94: Nemesis 101? That was actually the preliminary title for this. Oh, and Knock Out is protective of her for a very good reason – it'll be discussed later.**

**Naughtia: I wish bug spray worked on her, too. I want nothing to do with Airachnid. **

**Rainy-day: Good to hear. And I would never have thought of putting makeup on Starscream; good suggestion.**

**Mrs. Knockout: It seems to fit Knock Out to be able to use makeup and the like. Recently watched the video you mentioned; very funny!**

**Brave kid: You'll see plenty more of it, hopefully on our story too if only I didn't have writers block on it!**

**Hope-Alive90: You're welcome. It's alright you don't have any suggestions; I'm just glad you took the time to review.**

**Next Chapter – When Bored, DO NOT…**


	4. When Bored, DO NOT - I

_**Rule # 31: When bored, do not record someone singing in the wash-racks. That's Soundwave's job. (By Autobot-Mayday)**_

(In this case, 'someone' was Lord Megatron.)

(I was just taking a walk around, and suddenly I heard singing. I had to do a double-take. That was _Megatron's_ voice.)

(Seriously, the leader of the Decepticons sings in the wash-racks. I'm not joking.)

(Naturally, I had to record it. And later, upload it to the computer system and broadcast it all over the warship. The entire crew did a double-take.)

(Guess who was blamed? Yep, Starscream.)

(Took Knock Out about five seconds to figure out who was really responsible.)

(If looks could kill…)

_**Rule # 32: When bored, do not poke Knock Out. (By Autobot-Mayday)**_

(¿Cómo se dice 'paranoid'? Knock Out thinks that just by poking him I'm going to damage his finish. As if!)

(Honestly, he's such a drama queen. It's not going to scuff his paint, or scratch him, or even hurt him. All it does is get his attention… the first time.)

(If you plan on poking him more than three times, I suggest you have a quick escape planned because you will have to dodge a buzzsaw.)

_**Rule # 33: When bored, do not change the course of the **_**Nemesis.**_** (By Mrs. Knockout)**_

(Island fever strikes again! Though, I guess you could call it 'Warship fever.')

(Pretty much everyone was out battling the Autobots, even Lord Megatron. I had the _Nemesis_ to myself, save for Shiv and Thrust, and a few others.)

(With no pranks to play, and the Vehicons maintaining the warship, I had nothing to do.)

(And then I decided I wanted to see Greece.)

(Lord Megatron was not pleased to find out that his headquarters was halfway around the world when he returned.)

_**Rule # 34: When bored, do not sit on Lord Megatron's throne. (By Naughtia)**_

(I found it by accident. I was roaming the halls after being ousted from the med-bay by my guardian – don't ask – and chanced upon a room with a giant metal throne in it.)

(Needless to say, that made me curious. Giant throne. In the _Nemesis._ No one watching. What else could I do?)

(I sat on the throne. Then I pretended to order around my subordinates.)

(It was fun for about a half-hour. Then I realized that I was even more bored than when I started.)

(I woke up the next morning to find Knock Out negotiating with Soundwave.)

(Remember when I said no one was watching? Apparently, a certain communications officer enjoys blackmail.)

(After Doc Knock struck a deal with Soundwave, I struck one with him.)

(A month of detailing, waxing, and polishing every day and he would forget this ever happened.)

_**Rule # 35: When bored, do not paint the corridors. (By Rainy-day)**_

(I'm not talking one solid color. I'm talking a mural.)

(One depicting Starscream getting totally owned by Megatron.)

(Dreadwing just stared. Airachnid chuckled darkly. Knock Out glared pointedly at the airbrush in my hand. Breakdown's gaze moved from me to Starscream to the painting and back again. Soundwave was as emotionless as ever, though Rumble and Frenzy looked amused. Megatron raised an optic ridge – I think he was pleased. …Starscream, however, was furious.)

(Oh, by the way: if a Decepticon grabs you, it would be best not to struggle. They'll just squeeze tighter.)

_**Rule # 36: When bored, do not mimic the commanding officers. (By Rainy-day)**_

(It seemed like a good idea at the time. It also helps I was mostly out of sight – Knock Out didn't want me in the bridge, but, of course, I wanted in the bridge.)

(But it doesn't help that I keep forgetting that that Pit-spawned faceless Third-in-Command has what, four deployers? It's not fun being dragged into sight after copying every single word the Leader and Second-in-Command said. Slaggin' kittycon has sharp denta.)

(Also not fun having a staring contest with possibly the most dangerous being on the planet. I think he was ready to kill me after I mimicked him berating Knock Out for not keeping better track of me.)

_**Rule # 37: When bored, do not play annoying songs on the intercom. (By Rainy-day)**_

('It's a Small World After All' being the most strongly advised against.)

(Four Vehicons glitched, Starscream left until the 'problem' – i.e. me – could be rooted out, Dreadwing started polishing his sword, muttering about inferior beings, Breakdown covered his audio receptors, and while all this was going on, Knock Out was trying to fix Shrike and the scalpel slipped. Sorry, Shrike!)

(Soundwave had a field day recording everyone's reactions.)

(I think he and I might get along, after all…)

_**Rule # 38: When bored, do not rig the intercom and everyone's commlinks to play Nyan Cat. (By Anonymous BW FG)**_

(Internet memes. I found out that Starscream liked them, so I figured, 'What the Pit; I'll see if everyone else does too.')

(Now, I'm not very good with computer, but I sure know how to deal with a radio – worked in my Uncle's shop since I was twelve – and the intercom worked just like one, except, you know, it was bigger)

(The real challenge came in getting it to play on everyone's commlinks. But eventually, I got it to work.)

(Nyan Cat played for two days nonstop. It drove everyone crazy – including me. I had forgotten about my own commlink.)

(And who knew that Soundwave's commlink is connected directly into his neural net? Oops…)

(Now Starscream won't even watch the gif of the tap-dancing monkey. I think I ruined the internet for him. Oh, well.)

_**Rule # 39: When bored, do not rig the warship to play the **_**Ballad of Optimus Prime **_**every time Lord Megatron enters the bridge. (By Anonymous BW FG)**_

(The song is actually quite amusing. I just don't know who some of the Cybertronians mentioned are.)

(Anyways, I was extremely bored because I was playing yet another game of hide-and-seek with Shiv and Thrust, and they forgot about me! Then I remembered seeing a link for something called the 'Ballad of Optimus Prime' on Youtube. Idea!)

(I was getting better at programming the intercom to do what I wanted, so I made it so that every time Lord Megatron crossed the threshold and went into the bridge, the song would play.)

(You should have seen his expression! Priceless!)

(The only thing that protected me from the Lord of Chaos' wrath was Knock Out reminding him about a little experiment he was working on. They were both looking at me strangely as my guardian said that. Wonder what all that was about…)

_**Rule # 40: When bored, do not bounce a ball off the wall and catch it. (By Autobot-Bre)**_

(Seems harmless, don't it? Knock Out didn't think so.)

(He was afraid it was going to ricochet off the wall in the wrong direction and scuff his finish – which I had just waxed and polished, as per our agreement.)

(Just to annoy the scrap out of him, I purposely bounced the ball so that it hit him in the back of the head. The tool in his servo hit the ground and broke in half.)

(All those years of knife-throwing finally paid off.)

(That was the first time Knock Out threatened to kill me. He didn't explicitly say it, but I know he meant it.)

(His exact words: "Watch it, skinjob. Humans break more easily than an arc welder.")

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**Responses to Reviewers:**

**Guest: Glad to hear it. I'll try to get chapter one done sometime soon.**

**Autobot-Mayday: You're welcome, and having Megatron singing in the shower? Brilliant!**

**Rose Jennison: Starscream Cookies. LOL indeed. Thank Mrs. Knockout for that one.**

**Mrs. Knockout: Here's the next chapter, right on schedule. **

**Naughtia: Oi, sitting in Megatron's throne. That's a sure-fire way to get killed, but I love your suggestion nonetheless.**

**Rainy-day: Many people would like to read about Shiloh. I'm glad you're one of them.**

**Anonymous BW FG: I made your day? Oh, and I watched the video you mentioned. WOW! I can see why Megzy would hate that.**

**Autobot-Bre: Your suggestion makes perfect sense – being that it's not as silly as I would have come up with.**

**Inkdragon13: I'm sorry for not using your suggestion this chapter. I only do ten rules per update, so Part II will start off with it.**

**LunarStar98: I don't think I'm nearly as awesome as my reviewers, but I thank you for your compliment.**

**Hope-Alive90: Poor Starscream, indeed. And the video is funny; I had to watch it three times.**

**DarkRose66: I will be doing one focused on Soundwave's interactions with Shiloh a few chapters down the road.**

**Dream'sRealm: I'm glad you think this is cool, and I will definitely use your suggestion.**

**Next Chapter: When Bored, DO NOT - Part II**


	5. When Bored, DO NOT - II

_**Rule # 41: When bored, do not paint Lord Megatron to look like a cat. (By inkdragon13)**_

(I think Optimus wore him out when they fought, because he had somehow managed to fall asleep in the middle of a briefing! His helm was drooping, his shoulders sagging, and all of a sudden, I had an idea.)

(Knock Out recognized the look in my eyes and immediately removed me from the bridge. It took some begging and more than a few promises of buffing him until he gleamed before he put me down.)

(Then it was a simple matter of gathering the appropriate colors and finding a couple other necessary supplies – very fuzzy supplies.)

(Thankfully, the Leader of the Decepticons stayed in recharge for all four hours it took to finish my – do I dare call it my masterpiece?)

(When he woke up… Primus I knew I was dead.)

(He was a dark steely gray, with white on his chestplate and the area around his mouth. The sides of his helmet had been painted to look like fur. On top of his helm were fluffy cat ears, kind of like the ones people wear on Halloween. To top it all off, he had a long, feathery gray tail.)

(Kitty Megzy! Starscream loved it. Breakdown was scared. Knock Out's expression said he wanted to die. The Vehicons were fighting hard to keep from laughing. Dreadwing glared at me with intent to kill. Airachnid, um, I think her opinion on the 'new look' was the same as Starscream's. Soundwave… well, if a faceless Decepticon can look nervous, he did.)

(If I had died for that prank, it _so_ would have been worth it.)

_**Rule # 42:**_ _**When bored, do not introduce the Decepticons to horror movies. (By Dream'sRealm)**_

(I was trying to explain the concept of human entertainment to Dirge. After spending a good half-hour explaining with him still not understanding, I decided to show him a movie. It turned into a horror movie marathon with half the crew, Insecticons included.)

(I couldn't sleep that night, and none of the Vehicons wanted to recharge. The Insecticons just watched, but I think that they were secretly scared.)

(Anyway, once a few hours went by with everybody afraid to shut their optics – or in my case, eyes – Breakdown came to investigate. He saw us huddled around the viewscreen, nobody moving, nobody saying anything, nobody even blinking, and laughed out loud.)

(That aft.)

(He said Knock Out would love hearing about this, and turned to leave.)

(I couldn't stop him. He's a lot harder to bargain with than Knock Out.)

_**Rule # 43:**_ _**When bored, do not copy Starscream. (By Mayday200)**_

(Fifteen minutes. That's how long I got away with following Starscream and copying his movements. After that, it was me running to find Knock Out before Starscream caught me.)

(Someone decided to tell him that he had a 'pest' following him.)

("Damn you, Hardshell.")

_**Rule # 44:**_ _**When bored, do not paint Knock Out. (By Mayday200)**_

(Two words: pink bikini. Also, I kind of painted him purple.)

(Knock Out always said he liked having all the attention on him, so I thought I'd help him along. It worked. Everyone gaped at him, and I'm pretty sure he got quite a few wolf-whistles.)

(What can I say? I'm an evil little fragger, to quote Breakdown when he saw what I'd done.)

_**Rule # 45:**_ _**When bored, do not dance the caramelldansen. (By PixelusPrime)**_

(Blame Phineas and Ferb. I saw it on the one-hour special – Summer Belongs to You. I thought the dance was cute, though that might just have been from the anime-style way the characters were drawn. Why do people look so darn adorable with huge puppy eyes?)

(Since I thought it was cute, I thought – and blast my stupidity once more – that maybe the Decepticons would too.)

(Oi. Did I get myself in for the weirdest glances I have ever gotten in my life, or what?)

(I am never dancing again. Just sayin'.)

_**Rule # 46:**_ _**When bored, do not record Starscream's mocking of Megatron and play it back for the crew to see. (By PixelusPrime)**_

(I'm not sure who hates me more at this point – Airachnid or Starscream? And I don't really care because I enjoy annoying them until their logic circuits glitch.)

(Well, thank Knock Out for complaining about how much he hates listening to Starscream complain for hours on end and mock Lord Megatron's schemes and how he wishes that everybody else would see what an annoyance he is… and so on and so forth.)

(Before I go on, I have to say: I love my IPod. Here's why: it's helped me complete a number of pranks that I would never have been able to do otherwise, and because it has video and voice recorders.)

(Okay. Megatron watched the video I made, but why, I have no clue. He raised an optic ridge as he looked me up and down, as if assessing my reasons for recording Starscream.)

(Got back to the med-bay that evening to find a certain gray seeker laying on a berth, wings in tatters.)

(It's official. Screamer's going to kill me.)

_**Rule # 47:**_ _**When bored, do not – if you value your life**_** at all**_** – ask Lord Megatron if that giant fusion cannon of his is compensating for something. (By Wredan)**_

(If you're ever going to ask Megatron something, be sure to catch him in a good mood. Trouble is, he's never in a good mood. And he was in an even worse mood after I talked to him.)

(Granted, I was feeling quite cheeky that day, and it didn't help that I was in the middle of a bet with my guardian, so I was a little more – um, I guess you could say blunt than usual. Put two and two together and you'll figure out why asking if the cannon was compensating for no one paying attention to him until he was a big bad evil warlord was a horrible idea.)

(Yet again, I wonder how anyone puts up with me here.)

_**Rule # 48:**_ _**When bored, do not pretend to be an Energon Vampire. (By Naughtia)**_

(It freaks some 'cons out. You know how some people faint when they're scared? Same thing happens to Cybertronians, except it's called glitching. Their systems lock up and they crash to the ground. Best not to make it happen, in case you accidentally happen to be in the way.)

(I was making a joke! I didn't mean for Shiv and Frost to glitch because such a thing actually exists. It's called being a Syphon. They extract energon from their comrades instead of ingesting it from energon cubes.)

(Once Shiv came back online, he demanded Knock Out take a full-body scan of me to be sure I was just joking.)

_**Rule # 49:**_ _**When bored, do not go into Lord Megatron's quarters. (By Rainy-day's younger sister)**_

(It's scary in there. I made myself forget exactly what I saw, but I remember the fact that it's creepier than Airachnid's trophy room.)

(I also remember hiding on one of the upper decks to be sure that no one knew I went into Lord Megatron's quarters. If they found out, I was dead, Knock Out's pet or not.)

(Took Breakdown and Knock Out three days to find me.)

(Yes, I hid from the Decepticons for three days. You got a problem with that? If so, then I dare _you_ to go into the Decepticon Leader's quarters and tell me if you're not terrified that someone will kill you for doing so.)

_**Rule # 50:**_ _**When bored, do not repeatedly imply that having an optic patch makes one a pirate.**_

(Remark 1: "Hey, Patchy, where's your parrot?")

(Response 1: "Don't have a parrot. And my name's not Patchy.")

(Remark 2: "Aye, aye, Captain Breakdown!")

(Response 2: "If anyone's Captain, it's Lord Megatron.")

(Remark 3: "So does that make Knock Out your first mate?")

(Response 3: "I'm KO's assistant, not the other way around.")

(Remark 4: "Shouldn't you have a hook for a servo instead of a hammer?")

(Response 4: "Ask me again and there'll be one less annoying human on this warship.")

* * *

**Responses to Reviewers:**

**Mayday200: You changed your name? I like it. Anyway, I greatly appreciate your continued support on these rules.**

**PixelusPrime: I had no idea what that first thing you mentioned was at first, but then I looked it up and realized what it was.**

**Wredan: Thanks for your suggestion, and I'm trying to finish the first chapter of Shiloh's story.**

**Inkdragon13: I'm trying to update once a week, barring setbacks or the like.**

**Naughtia: Here's the update, and I hope this chapter kept you laughing.**

**Camigirl215: I plan on continuing this for as long as I possibly can.**

**Guest: I agree wholeheartedly! And Knock Out needs more fangirls!**

**Anonymous BW FG: I'm not sure if it could be called a superpower, but I love making people smile.**

**Rainy-day: Thank your younger sister for me, will you? And I'm surprised to hear you were almost on the floor.**

**Mrs. Knockout: Everybody loves Megzy singing in the shower, including myself!**

**Next Chapter: It's a surprise… I can't tell.**


	6. Surprise, Surprise

**AN: Sorry to say, but there are no actual rules in this chapter. It's hopefully just as good as if there were, though. **

**I'm almost done with the first chapter of **_**Puppet Master**_**. Until I can finish and post it, I've written you guys a preview. Hence the 'it's a surprise…' from last chapter.**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

"Seth Winters here. What do you need?"

"Miss you, you blue-haired dork."

"Shi–"

"No! Please, Seth, don't say my name. Uncle Marc doesn't need to know I called," Shiloh pleaded. In truth, she was afraid what her uncle might say were he to find out what she was doing. "I only want to talk to you." Pausing, she looked around. Not a Decepticon in sight. "Are you alone?"

"Hold on a minute," Seth said breathlessly. The sound of wheels creaking as they moved coming over the speaker made Shiloh wince. _That_ was why she'd left with Knock Out. "There. No one'll hear us now."

Feeling guilty for leaving him in a wheelchair, Shiloh couldn't help but ask, "How's your back, cuz?"

"Hurts like heck, but I'll live." Seth's voice was tired and worn. "Doctor says I won't be able to work in the shop anymore." There was a long, uncomfortable silence, until a soft query broke it. "Why did you leave, Shiloh?"

On the _Nemesis_, the Hawaiian girl flinched as if struck. "Your spine was broken in that crash. You lost racing, you lost mechanics, you lost the respect everyone had for you. Everything that made you _you_ was ripped away in an instant when that yellow Camaro ran you into the mesa." Shiloh struggled to put into words the turmoil and rage she'd felt. "A-and I couldn't – I just can't let that go. You're not my cousin, you're my brother. I can't sit back and watch when you're hurt like this. I had to leave. I have to make it right."

"You can still buy the shop."

"But it was supposed to be _ours. _We were supposed to work it _together."_

"I can live with managing paperwork. Come on, please. It's not the same without you here."

"You know _I_ can't live with that." Shiloh imagined her cousin leaning listlessly back in his wheelchair, blue-streaked black hair hanging in front of one eye. The still-pink scars at the corners of his mouth would be marring the pained frown he'd have. The mental image made her grimace in an effort to stifle the tears she felt welling up. "You know I have to find the guy. You know there has to be retribution." _Too late._ The salty droplets began to flow freely down her cheeks as she spoke, her voice cracking. "There has to be, because you'd do the same thing for me if our roles were reversed."

"Fine," Seth growled, bitterness seeping into his voice. But that was only because he was worried about the girl he thought of as his sister. Where was she? "I'm not going to argue; you're right. But please, Shy," he begged, using his cousin's old pet name, "answer this for me: what are you going to do when you find him?"

Now Shiloh scowled, looking hurt. "I'm not going to kill him, if that's what you think." _Besides,_ she thought, _the Autobot scout would be impossible to kill on my own. That's why I need Knock Out._ The thought actually stung. Spending two months aboard the Decepticon warship made her start to think of the crew as family. It physically hurt to say she only needed the vain medic so she could get back at Bumblebee. She needed Knock Out the same way she needed Seth: as an anchor to keep her grounded. She'd go insane otherwise.

After an eternity, "Who are you trying to convince?" Then, only static.

"Seth!" Shiloh shouted into her commlink. Her voice grew sharp with injured pride. "Don't you believe me?"

"So ya do actually care about someone 'sides yourself." The voice was slightly synthesized, noticeably mechanical in nature. "'M surprised."

Without a second thought as to the tears still streaming down her face, Shiloh dropped the commlink and threw a punch at the dark red and black deployer that had suddenly appeared beside her. Even though the blow made contact squarely, it was the human who pulled back with an exclamation of pain. At this, the deployer laughed boisterously.

"Shuddup, Frenzy." Shiloh cradled her hand close to her body. Inspecting it for serious injury and finding none, she shot the human-sized mech a venomous glare. "It ain't funny."

"Yeah, it is." Frenzy wiped an imaginary tear from the corner of one red optic. "Priceless." Shiloh continued glaring as he fell back into uncontrolled hysterics.

"You know what'll really be priceless? When you get up from recharge in the morning and find out you're bright yellow. Not to mention the energon you stole from the Insecticons will be next to your helm." Shiloh's tone was low, and she did not move except to tuck a stray lock of brown-black hair behind her ear. A devious smirk played on her lips. Frenzy was about to snap that he stole no energon when the olive-skinned human continued, "Hardshell will enjoy the target practice."

Frenzy drew himself up so that he loomed menacingly over her. "Oh, really? I'd like ta see ya try, fleshbag."

Shiloh remained undaunted by his teasing. "Don't think I won't chromedome."

"Skinjob."

"Gearhead."

"Half-pint!"

"Bolts-for-brains!"

"Squishy!"

"Manifold mouth!"

"Uhh…" By that point, Frenzy had run out of insults, so Shiloh prattled on.

"Glitch, rust-ridden scraplet, Pit-spawned demon, slag heap, junkpile," she practically purred, enjoying every syllable of the words. "Half-cock, detestable little fragger, irritating temperamental-"

"The only thing stopping me from killing you right now, human," Frenzy interjected angrily, "is the fact that Knock Out would take m' head off if I so much as tried." A pinkish tint entered said human's cheeks. "For dat, you're lucky. Ya wouldn't have lasted a week without his protection."

"I don't need to be protected." Shiloh's skin had turned a shade of red a just a fraction lighter that her guardian's paint job at the implications of the deployer's statement. "Not from anyone. Especially not from a runt like you." With that, she shoved past the red and black mech, catching him off balance. Only a second later did she find herself staring up at Frenzy from the floor. She hadn't thought he'd shove back.

"Nobody calls me a runt!" Frenzy held her infuriated brown gaze for a moment before walking off. Much as he hated the concept, Shiloh needed to be taught some respect. And he knew just how to do it.

Sore from hitting the ground, Shiloh rubbed her surely bruised elbows. _That annoying glitch thinks this is over,_ she seethed silently. _When I said he would wake up tomorrow yellow, I meant it._ She pulled herself to her feet, using the wall for support. Pain flared from her knee with the motion, causing her to stumble. A warm metal servo steadied her before she fell.

"Don't worry about Frenzy," – one of the Vehicons had witnessed the heated exchange. – "he's all bark and no bite, as I believe the saying goes." Shiloh nodded her thanks for the reassurance, studying the Vehicon.

"Dirge?" she guessed.

The Vehicon slowly shook his head, reaching down with utmost care to pick the girl up. Used to being handled by now, she kept still as he set her on his shoulder. "Revv, actually. Dirge's on a mission with Dreadwing and Airachnid," he said. "Knock Out asked me to keep an optic on you. Said you'd been getting into a lot more trouble lately." Then Revv remembered Shiloh's difficulty in standing. "Anything broken?"

Shiloh flexed the knee that had hurt, and unsurprisingly, the pain flared up again. She caught her breath in a hiss at the unexpected scalding of it. "Don't think so. Wouldn't be surprised if I tore one of the ligaments in my knee, though."

Revv changed course from their original destination – the rec room – and started towards the medical bay. "I'll never understand how you manage to get hurt so easily, Shiloh. You humans really are frail creatures."

"Hey, if we're so frail, then how come we survived for so long without you guys, huh?" Shiloh demanded, crossing her arms only to find out the action hurt as well. She settled for cocking her head questioningly at the Decepticon.

"I, um… I'm not going to answer that," Revv muttered. They came up to the sealed med-bay doors, and the drone vented a sigh of relief.

"What happened this time?" Knock Out asked absently when he caught a glimpse of the teen perched on Revv's shoulder.

Shiloh mumbled something inaudibly in reply.

The crimson medic turned to Breakdown. "Was that a glitch mouse?" He somehow managed to keep a straight face. "I thought that problem was supposed to be taken care of."

Grinning, Breakdown played along. "That's what I heard."

"I said Frenzy! Frenzy happened."

"What did you do to Frenzy?" Breakdown asked as Knock Out, smirking triumphantly, took the human from Revv and put her down on one of the medical berths.

"I shoved him and called him a runt," came the sheepish reply.

"Pushed ya back, didn't he?" Breakdown began smirking also. He handed his partner the scanner he was sure to want in a nanokilk or two. By the half annoyed, half embarrassed expression that Shiloh now wore, he knew he was right. "KO told you to leave him and all of Soundwave's deployers alone."

"But he – he started it!" Shiloh cried indignantly.

"Don't matter who started it. Knock Out told you to leave him alone."

* * *

The next morning, Shiloh made sure to get up early in order to gather the yellow paint she was going to use on Frenzy. Promises weren't forgotten easily for her. The short mech _would_ be yellow by the time she was done. No one was going to stop her.

Then why did something feel wrong?

When Shiloh pushed he hair away from her face, as she usually did when she woke up, it felt greasy to the touch. Not typical. The olive-skinned teen leaned her head in her hands for a minute, running her fingers through her hair to determine what was wrong. Whatever was making it feel weird rubbed off on her hands, and she looked down at them.

"Ahh!" She couldn't stop the horrified shriek from escaping her.

There was pink in her hair. Pink paint. Shiloh threw herself out of bed and ran to the mirror near the door to her room. Shaking in a strange mix of anger and alarm, she examined the extent of the coloring. It was all throughout her hair, leaving it appearing as though it had been dyed.

_What kind of paint did that slagger use?_ Shiloh knew exactly who said slagger was. He'd pay, rest assured. _I think I have some neon green left._

To figure out which of her paints the culprit had put into her hair, she sniffed at the pink that had rubbed off on her hands. Most people wouldn't have been able to detect any differences in the sharp, almost gag-inducing scents of the different types of paint. But then again, most people hadn't spent seven years of their lives detailing cars.

But the smell didn't belong to any of her paints.

_Oh crap! _Shiloh's head snapped around so that she could see her supplies stacked in the corner. One of the cans had iridescent pink trickling slowly down its side.

"FRENZY! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! THAT WASN'T PAINT! THAT WAS STAIN!"

* * *

**AN: Did you like it? I'm hoping to have the story started on FanFiction within the next week.**

**Responses to Reviewers:**

**Naughtia: Wasn't particularly fair to me either. I love going through all of your guys' suggestions. **

**Inkdragon13: Yeah, I didn't really know what Megatron would have in his quarters, so I just focused on the aftermath.**

**Wredan: Liked it? I loved it! I've always wondered if the fusion cannon was compensating for something, glad to see someone else does too.**

**Mrs. Knockout: This excerpt isn't really a very funny one, but I hope the ending put you in a good mood nonetheless.**

**PixelusPrime: You know about the ducky too? And thought about the Animaniacs? Great minds think alike.**

**Anonymous BW FG: KO is classy, I agree. And I'd be scared of Megzy's quarters as well. **

**Guest: Do you mean Slenderman? *****insert evil grin here* I will definitely make a rule using that.**

**Bianary CodeNS: I'm very sorry. I can't do rules with non-canon characters. Again, very sorry.**

**Next Chapter: General Rules**


	7. General Rules - II

_**Rule # 51: If Lord Megatron fails to heed Knock Out's advice and fuels the **_**Nemesis**_** with Dark Energon again, there's just one thing you need to know. (By Guest)**_

(And that is: hide.)

(No joke. At first the warship having a voice was cool.)

(But then it put the crew into stasis lock.)

(I was freaking out when Knock Out was shot. And if you tell him that, I will hunt you down.)

(Nobody could move, except for me. Everyone was frozen. Even Lord Megatron. Well, not everyone. Breakdown, Starscream and Airachnid were on a mission in Panamá.)

(Well, the ship only started scanning for organic life-forms after those Autobot-loving wimps showed up – and yeah, I'm talking about the Government 'liaison' as well. They were here for the database! The _Nemesis _could take out a small country in less than a week, and all those Autobots care about is the Iacon Database?!)

(Priorities, guys. Damn.)

(I'm off topic, aren't I?)

(Anyways, hiding is recommended because the warship will try to 'eliminate all impurities from within its systems.' I.e: it'll try to kill you.)

(Six hours of finding a hiding spot, being discovered, nearly being blown to smithereens, and having to run and find another hiding spot makes one extremely irritable. Not to mention very bitter about the incident.)

_**Rule # 52: No flash mobs. Period. (By inkdragon13)**_

(Especially to Gangnam Style.)

(I know I said I was never dancing again, and I mean it. But _I_ wasn't the one who was dancing.)

(It was the Vehicons.)

(I showed them the music video, and they came up with the idea. I just organized it, being that I knew how a flash mob worked.)

(Said flash mob took place in the bridge… in the middle of one of Starscream's rants about how he could have won the battle if Lord Megatron had allowed him to command the troops instead of Dreadwing.)

(The commanding officers were not amused. Not amused at all.)

(In fact, only one 'con thought the display was funny. His name starts with a K and ends with a T and he decided to join in.)

(Why do I get the feeling KO got away with it because he's the only Decepticon medic?)

_**Rule # 53: Don't touch the rubber duck. (By PixelusPrime)**_

(Completely serious. Don't touch it. A certain Lord of Chaos will have your head.)

(You know what? Don't even mention the adorable, squeaky, yellow toy.)

(In fact, just forget I ever told you it existed.)

(Dead serious here. I was almost _killed_ because I asked about it. Again, forget I ever told you about the rubber duck.)

_**Rule # 54: Convincing Megatron to have the crew dance to Thriller? Bad idea. Extremely bad idea. (By PixelusPrime)**_

(How I managed to convince him that it would be a great battle strategy, I have no idea. Why he believed me remains a mystery, one which I do not intend to solve.)

(In practice, the 'battle strategy' was cool. Giant robots dancing to Thriller is, in a word, EPIC.)

(In execution, not so much.)

(The Autobot scout started dancing too!)

(The Wrecker blared the song over his speaker systems.)

(The two-wheeler crossed her arms and watched, smirking.)

(The medic face-palmed.)

(Optimus Prime asked calmly Megatron if he was _that_ desperate.)

_**Rule # 55: Animaniacs and Decepticons – do they look or even sound like they mix? (By PixelusPrime)**_

(It started when I watched Dot's I'm Cute song on Youtube. Don't exactly know why, but I was reminded of Knock Out. He's constantly drawing attention to the fact that he's the shiniest Decepticon.)

(Then I decided to pretend all the Decepticons were members of the Animaniacs cast.)

(Breakdown became Ralph the Security Guard because he's the 'con's bruiser, but he's not exactly the most intelligent.)

(Starscream was Brain because they both always have diabolical plots to take over, which ultimately fail.)

(Airachnid was Hello Nurse simply because she's the only femme and because Breakdown couldn't stop talking about her.)

(I decided to go with either Buttons or Runt for Dreadwing because he's like Lord Megatron's little lapdog.)

(Soundwave… I couldn't really come up with anything good for him… so he just became Dr. Scratchandsniff.)

(Lord Megatron became Thaddeus Plotz because he's the leader and because he's completely obsessed with his job as an evil overlord.)

(I spent a week calling them by these names before everyone got sick of it and Starscream and Airachnid teamed up to teach me a lesson about how it was not good for your health to mock Decepticons.)

_**Rule # 56: Just… just don't even try to explain Santa Claus. They don't get it. (By PixelusPrime)**_

(I don't even… Why did I…? Did I think they had some kind of similar holiday on Cybertron or something…?)

(I told them how Santa sneaks in on December 25th and leaves presents for all the good little mechs and femmes, and their optics lit up.)

(Well, not really, because their optics already give off light – oh, whatever.)

(Anyways, they started trying to be as good as possible, waiting for Santa to recognize their good behavior.)

(I tried to explain that the whole 'presents' thing only happened on Christmas, but they insisted that it happened all the time.)

(Megatron was not amused by his crew trying to be good for a change.)

(I am now banned from telling the Vehicons about any more holidays.)

(Bucket-head is such a killjoy.)

_**Rule # 57: Playing Slenderman with the Decepticons is not going to end well. (By Guest)**_

(Specifically because of Slenderman.)

(What he looks like, to be exact. Who on this warship also has no face, is tall, and has tentacles?)

(You know who I mean.)

(Revv mentioned the similarity first, and he, Dirge, Thrust, Frost, and I couldn't help but laugh.)

(It was true.)

(But why… Primus why in the Pit do we keep forgetting about Ravage?)

(Maybe because the kittycon has camouflage armor?)

(Maybe because I don't remember what happened the last twelve times I said something remotely insulting about a certain indigo Decepticon?)

(Whatever the reason, I need to stop forgetting so that I stop getting scratched and bitten!)

_**Rule # 58: Insulting Lord Megatron is Starscream's job. Even if it seems like a good idea, don't try and take over! (By Naughtia)**_

(Trust me, you'll end up like Starscream: in the med-bay with Knock Out making fun of your predicament.)

(Not that he would actually make fun of me for it; he'd just yell at me for being so stupid.)

(I swear, if he keeps yelling that loud, I'm going to go deaf.)

(Still can't remember what I said to make Lord Megatron mad, though…)

_**Rule # 59: Watch the finish! (By Naughtia)**_

(Oh, boy. In the words of Starscream, my guardian is a 'Vain, self-centered egotist.' It's not nice, but I can't really argue.)

(According to Breakdown, Knock Out has a little bit of mental instability when it comes to his appearance. He has to be perfect. He has to look better than everyone in the room. He has to be the center of attention.)

(To put it simply: Knock Out thinks the world revolves around him.)

(I had a bad day and needed to take it out on someone. First 'con I saw was KO. We got into an argument – don't remember about what – and I ended up drawing my switchblade.)

(The sound that followed made everyone in the immediate vicinity freeze and stare at me.)

(They knew that the Doc was having a bad day too, but I didn't. Nobody thought to tell me before I left a two-foot long scratch across his finish.)

(He went berserk. I had never been so terrified in my life. It took seven Vehicons along with Breakdown _and_ Dreadwing to restrain him before he could decapitate me with his buzz-saw.)

_**Rule # 60: Starscream does not have a crush on Arcee. That's final.**_

(I don't know whether to believe Screamer or not. He does seem to go a little easier on her than any other Autobot.)

(Starscream maintains its because she's a femme, and therefore she's weaker than her comrades. Therefore, he should go easier on her.)

(Wouldn't the Decepticon thing to do be to go twice as _hard_ on her because she's not as strong as the rest of the Autobots? After all, Starscream is an underhanded, devious, spiteful, little glitch.)

(So why does he hold back?)

* * *

**AN: I got the first chapter of Puppet Master up! **

**Responses to Reviewers:**

**Camigirl215: Yeah… stain is supposed to go on cars, or even canvas, not in a person's hair. It'll be pink for a while.**

**Anonymous BW FG: Frenzy had a lot coming, and Shiloh'll give him grief about this to no end.**

**Animeloser101: The whole point of this story is to make people grin. Also, first chapter is almost halfway done.**

**Naughtia: Well, you don't have to wait too long for it, and yes, insulting Megatron is a very bad idea.**

**Wredan: Oh, yes, it is. Frenzy better watch his back, 'cause this won't go without revenge.**

**Next Chapter: Interactions with Soundwave and Co.**

**Why do I get the feeling Shiloh's going to be severely outgunned?**


	8. Interactions with Soundwave and Co

_**Rule # 61: Don't ask Soundwave if he has face. (By inkdragon13)**_

(He does; I'm sure of it! Behind that mask is a real face! I had never seen it though, so I couldn't really tell if I was right or not.)

(Before I went to Soundwave, I asked around the _Nemesis_ to find out if anyone else knew. Nobody did.)

(Even Starscream gave me a blank look.)

(I decided to ask Soundwave after that.)

(He looked down at me, then picked me up and carried me to Knock Out.)

(I asked again.)

(He did the same thing.)

(I asked again.)

(Once more, he took me to Knock Out.)

(I asked again.)

(He handed me over to Airachnid and wouldn't tell anyone what he'd done with me for a week.)

(As for what happened during that week... I don't want to discuss it.)

_**Rule # 62: It may seem like fun, but having Soundwave rickroll Lord Megatron is going to backfire horribly. (By Anonymous BW FG)**_

(I pitched the idea to Rumble, who convinced Soundwave. Somehow.)

(Soundwave acted like he had vital information regarding a huge energon deposit and went to Lord Megatron.)

(Upon requesting that the Third-in-Command display the data, Never Gonna Give You Up blasted over the intercom and Lord Megatron stared. Then he demanded that he be told who was responsible.)

(Hundreds of optics looked my way.)

(Surprisingly, I walked away without so much as a scratch.)

( But when I tried to open an email that night, I got rickrolled.)

(Every fragging time I tried to do something on my laptop, that blasted song would play.)

("Curse you, Soundwave. You crashed my computer.")

_**Rule # 63: Don't pet Ravage. (By Anonymous BW FG)**_

(Soundwave can pet him. Lord Megatron can pet him. Starscream can pet him if he wants to lose a servo.)

(I can't pet him.)

(I tried to, 'cause, well, he's a cat. He transforms into a cat, so why wouldn't he like being petted? Besides, Megatron and Soundwave did it all the time.)

(I barely got away with my arm intact.)

(Now KO is considering confining me to the med-bay for the rest of my life.)

(Like I won't get into trouble in there.)

_**Rule # 64: Rumble is blue; Frenzy is red. (By Anonymous BW FG)**_

(They don't like it when you mix them up.)

(I was having an off day and called Frenzy Rumble and vice-versa by mistake.)

(Not my fault I had just been rescued from the Autobots _again_ and wasn't allowed to go to sleep until Knock Out had given me a full medical exam. And even then he wouldn't let me out of his sight for six hours.)

(I got one hour of rest. One hour. You can imagine what kind of mood I was in.)

(As I was saying, the twins did not like that I mixed them up, and they weren't buying that I was tired and cranky.)

(I got to spend the rest of the day locked in a utility closet.)

(I was really starting to hate those twins.)

_**Rule # 65: Ravage does not like string. (By Naughtia)**_

(Again, stupid me thinking that because he looks like a cat, he'll act like a cat.)

(A ball of string, a recharging kittycon, and one mischievous prankster.)

(Ravage opened one optic and looked sideways at me as I dangled the string in front of his faceplate.)

(Turned out he didn't want to play with string.)

(He wanted to play with _me.)_

(Knock Out got me back the next day a little worse for wearâ€¦ and by that I mean I had scratches and bite marks all over.)

(Breakdown laughed at me, and Knock Out soon followed.)

(They actually laughed at me.)

(I felt insulted.)

_**Rule # 66: Laserbeak is not a parrot. (By Naughtia)**_

(This kind of goes with the 'Breakdown is not a pirate' thing, since this originated from that discussion.)

(It's not Laserbeak you have to worry about if you call him a parrot; it's Soundwave.)

(Just as the Deployers will retaliate if they think Soundwave is being insulted, Soundwave will retaliate if he thinks his deployers are being insulted.)

(Form of retaliation this time: a virus on my IPod.)

(Every time I tried to play a song or take a video or record someone's voice or do anything at all, the Song that Never Ends played twenty times straight.)

(First he crashes my laptop by rickrolling me over and over, then he overloads my IPod with the world's most annoying song.)

("How am I supposed to prank Starscream anymore?!")

_**Rule # 67: Don't ask Soundwave what his face looks like. (By Naughtia)**_

(Do I ever learn?)

(Don't answer that.)

(The thought struck me: What does his face look like?)

(Upon my asking, the communications officer ignored me. So I asked again. And again when he started to walk away.)

(He didn't give me to Airachnid this time; instead I ended up with Starscream for a week.)

(And you do _not_ want to know how that went.)

(I still don't know what Soundwave's face looks like!)

_**Rule # 68: The phrase, "Polly want a cracker?" is hereby banned.**_

(Seriously, have I learned nothing at all from the parrot incident?!)

(Let's just say that I did not suffer any injuries this time, but couldn't stay alone in a room for a couple of weeks.)

(Breaky and KO took turns watching me until they were sure I was okay.)

(I love those two, I really do.)

_**Rule # 69: Who's a better hacker - Soundwave or a twelve year-old kid? The answer is the former.**_

(I made the mistake of saying that the scout's charge could best Soundwave with his hands tied behind his back.)

(Apparently that injured Soundwave's pride.)

(So what does he do?)

(He kidnaps the kid and challenges him to a contest and makes me watch.)

(Not to be mean, but Rafael really did win that contest. Don't tell anyone I said that, alright?)

(After Soundwave won - ahem, lost - he brought me along to give the kid back to the Autobots.)

(I apologized to Rafael thirty times for dragging him into this mess, but he wouldn't forgive me. Neither would the scout.)

(I think the Autobots blamed me and not Soundwave.)

("But I didn't kidnap the kid! It was Soundwave! Why blame me?")

_**Rule # 70: If you decide to start a prank war with the twins, be prepared to lose.**_

(The prank war started when Frenzy dyed my hair pink.)

(Long story short: Rumble and Frenzy got painted yellow and chased by Insecticons; then we had a water-balloon fight; then I ended up in the med-bay for two weeks recovering from being played catch with.)

(I can't believe that the twins actually played keep-away with Knock Out, and used me as the item they were trying to keep away from him.)

(The prank war was officially declared over by my guardian after the keep-away incident.)

(Needless to say, Rumble and Frenzy won.)

(But believe me, I will get even.)

* * *

**AN: I am really mean to Shiloh today. Don't know why.**

**Responses to Reviewers:**

**Inkdragon13: I'm sure he has one too, but why he hides it eludes me. **

**Anonymous BW FG: I once rickrolled someone and it ended very badly. Just imagining Megatron's reaction made me shiver.**

**Naughtia: Ravage wouldn't like string â€" he's not really like a cat â€" yeah, I could see that. I enjoyed your suggestions, as always.**

**Mrs. Knockout: I agree with you. It's creepy. Why make Soundwave so much like Slenderman? It's a kid's show for crying out loud!**

**Wredan: Thank you very much; I appreciate the compliment.**

**CoalTreasure: I'll use most of those in one of the upcoming chapters, maybe two or three after this one, rest assured.**

**Next Chapter: If Captured and Detained by Autobotsâ€¦**


	9. If Captured and Detained by Autobots

_**Rule # 71: If captured and detained by Autobots, do not constantly make fun of Prime's frame. (By inkdragon13)**_

(Specifically his hips…)

(He ignored me at first, but I kept mentioning it.)

(Whenever he tried to talk to me I'd mention it. Sometimes when he'd walk past I'd wolf-whistle. Once I asked Prime if he was popular with the femmes and mechs – because, come on, even the two-wheeler doesn't have hips like his – on Cybertron.)

(Still, he ignored me.)

(Then I played Hips Don't Lie on my commlink – the medic forgot to confiscate it – and finally Prime paid attention.)

(I immediately wished he hadn't.)

(Imagine you called Screamer a femme, Lord Megatron a Bucket-head, Dreadwing a lapdog, Airachnid a bug, Breakdown a pirate, and then scratched Knock Out's paint. Now combine how angry they would be and multiply it by twenty-three.)

_(That's_ how mad Prime got.)

(I'm lucky the medic intervened before I was seriously hurt… but still, Prime broke my arm when he crushed my commlink.)

_**Rule # 72:**_ _**If captured and detained by Autobots, do not ask what happens to Prime's trailer when he transforms. (By Anonymous BW FG)**_

(No one could explain it.)

(The medic muttered about how he 'never considered it before' and something called 'subspace'.)

(Everyone else just gave me a blank stare.)

(Even the kids.)

(Dull Surprise, anyone?)

_**Rule # 73:**_ _**If captured and detained by Autobots, do not mention a certain 'Spider-legged Freak' around the two-wheeler. (By Anonymous BW FG)**_

(The two-wheeler's volatile enough as is. You don't need her trying to kill you.)

(She already wasn't happy having me in base because I'm a 'con, but when I mentioned that Airachnid was nicer to me when I first boarded the _Nemesis _than she was being to me, things got violent. Fast.)

(I'm surprised that her human partner – Darby, if you recall – calmed her down before she could actually hurt me.)

(Not like I enjoy being constantly injured and in the med-bay back with the Decepticons, but it was kind of disappointing when she just walked away and left me alone with Darby.)

_**Rule # 74:**_ _**If captured and detained by Autobots, do not pretend there are voices in your head. (By Mayday200)**_

(I love being difficult, especially with the Autobots. They were pestering me, trying to get information, trying to be imposing – they failed epicly at that, by the way – trying to convince me that I would get killed with the 'cons.)

(And what can I say but… I snapped?)

(I had enough and the Wrecker wouldn't leave me alone and kept bugging me and bugging me.)

(I remembered saying to the medic earlier that there were voices in my head, so I shouted that they "want me to kill you!")

(Have you ever seen a thirteen-ton Autobot scream like a little girl and run away before?)

(I highly recommend it. It's very funny to watch.)

(But beware of medics with wrenches who attempt to scan you to find out if there really are voices in your head afterwards.)

_**Rule # 75:**_ _**If captured and detained by Autobots, do not pretend to faint so you can escape. (By Mrs. Knockout)**_

(During a particularly stressful questioning session with Prime, one of the Autobots remarked I looked like I was going to pass out.)

(Silly Wrecker. You should never give me ideas.)

(I held my breath as I pretended to faint, hoping that someone would at least freak out a little bit, giving me an opportunity to sneak out unnoticed.)

(But, no! They had to bring in the fragging medic! They just had to go ahead and bring in the medic and ruin my escape attempt.)

(Why don't any of my plans work out the way they're supposed to?)

(Primus must hate me.)

_**Rule # 76:**_ _**If captured and detained by Autobots, do not attempt to use the GroundBridge in order to escape. (Undiscovered Poet)**_

(Not only is it unlikely that you will know exactly how to operate it, but there is always someone watching it.)

(I had been stuck in the Autobot base for six days and honestly, I just wanted to get back to the _Nemesis._ I was going to go crazy without the Decepticons if I stayed there any longer.)

(Somehow I managed to get past the scout and the foreign exchange student – what's her name? Mika…? Miku…? Oh, whatever, it's something like that – and skirted around the two-wheeler and Wrecker.)

(Once I finally found the control room, I climbed up onto the GroundBrige console and programmed it for a location near where the Nemesis was supposed to be if it kept on its planned course. I was so close to flipping the switch when someone tried to deafen me by shouting in my ear.)

(I didn't know that Jack let his mommy find out he hung out with the Autobots after school.)

(What I learned from that misadventure: never underestimate June Darby. She is fraggin' scary when she's pissed.)

_**Rule # 77:**_ _**If captured and detained by Autobots, do not break the medic's things. (By Naughtia)**_

(Beware of the wrench.)

(It hurts like the Pit itself.)

(I'm surprised I was actually able to break the frame welder in the first place.)

(One upside to breaking the medic's tools: you get to hear him shout "I NEEDED THAT!")

(It's so pathetic sounding – more upset than angry – so… _Autobot_. I couldn't resist laughing when he said it, but that made him throw another wrench at me.)

"Seriously, Autobots, KO'll dismantle you for scrap if he gets me back in any worse shape than he lost me in!"

_**Rule # 78:**_ _**If captured and detained by Autobots, do not insist that the scout would lose to Knock Out in a race.**_ _**(By Naughtia)**_

(It will end up in a three-way shouting match – between you, the scout, and probably Rafael since he has to translate.)

(And while this is going on, everyone will stop and stare.)

(Then they will take sides.)

(Everyone but the medic took the scout's side.)

(Apparently Knock Out's alt-mode has a more powerful engine than any of the Autobots.)

(The medic insisted he was on my side purely because of fact, not because he wanted to agree with me.)

"Whatever, Autodorks. Knock Out could do doughnuts around all of you before you could so much as bat an optic."

(Yes, my guardian is just _that_ epic.)

(Problem?)

_**Rule # 79:**_ _**If captured and detained by Autobots, do not refer to the Wrecker as fat.**_ _**(By Naughtia)**_

(Do not fear the Wrecker – he's practically a teddy bear when it comes to dealing with humans. He's too afraid of hurting us because of how small we are.)

(You should be afraid of his partner – Primus; I forgot her name again – because she'll take it personally.)

(She dragged me out of the room and punched me.)

(That little girl actually punched me!)

(Of course, this wound up in a wrestling match, and I lost, surprisingly.)

(I lost to a Japanese foreign exchange student four years younger than I am when I've been able to easily take on both my cousin and Vince and win. How humiliating…)

(To add insult to injury, the Wrecker proudly declared, "That's my girl.")

_**Rule # 80:**_ _**If captured and detained by Autobots, do not quote Knock Out.**_

(I was being difficult and the medic was trying to get me to talk and I saw Prime walking by out of the corner of my eye, so I shouted, "Sweet Rims!" to him.)

(Everyone in the room turned around and stared at me, and the two-wheeler asked what I'd said.)

(Annoyed, I shouted again to Prime, who had frozen mid-step, "Sweet Rims!")

(The medic looked from me to the still immobile Autobot Leader. Then he asked if I was _trying_ to make Prime glitch.)

(As sweetly as I could, I replied, "Yes.")

* * *

**Responses to Reviewers:**

**Inkdragon13: Making Optimus angry is a very bad idea, though I wonder how much it would take to make him snap.**

**Anonymous BW FG: Optimus had a trailer in 'Partners' and in 'Convoy'. Starscream was cuffed and thrown in there in 'Partners' and MECH blew it up in 'Convoy'.**

**Mayday200: That's quite alright; I understand having a lot of homework. And your rules do not suck!**

**DarkRose66: All those you mentioned were some of my favorites, especially the prank war.**

**Taboo22: It makes me very glad you think so.**

**PixelusPrime: I'm going to let Shiloh answer this one… Shiloh: I have no clue how I'm still alive. Oh, and Soundwave has at least four deployers on board, but there may be more not here right now.**

**Mrs. Knockout: Faking fainting is always a bad idea, especially if there is a medic around.**

**Undiscovered Poet: That would not end well, no matter who tried to do it…**

**Naughtia: I knew someone was going to mention Ratchet's tools. I can practically hear him shouting "I NEEDED THAT!"**

**Next Chapter: Banned Songs, Activities, Etc. **


	10. Banned Songs, Activities, Etc - I

**AN: How long has it been since I've updated? *checks* Since early November, huh? Sorry; haven't had much time to get this done. It really seems like everything is trying to stop me from writing this chapter. When I don't have a ton of homework, I have to help around the house all day. And when I don't have to help around the house all day, I have a ton of homework to do. Not to mention that yesterday I burned my right hand so bad I can't straighten it, much less hold a pencil or type. *sighs* Guess I'm left-handed for now.**

**Well, enough of my griping – onto the rules!**

**Just so we're clear, I don't own any of the songs mentioned in this or any future chapters.**

* * *

_**Rule # 81: The Lion King is banned from the **_**Nemesis,**_** for now and for posterity. (By CoalTreasure)**_

(It's not the movie; it's the songs in it.)

(And due to my using the Luau song while running from Airachnid after an incident involving a blowtorch and my switchblade, the movie is banned.)

(It doesn't particularly help that I played Be Prepared during a mission briefing, which nearly caused Lord Megatron to blast me…)

(Yeah, Knock Out's still mad about that.)

_**Rule # 82: In conjunction to Rule 81, any Disney songs and movies are no longer allowed. (By CoalTreasure)**_

(What can I say to not make this as bad as it sounds?)

(Oh, I got nothing.)

(I tricked Laserbeak with a file labeled Important Classified Information, who in turn gave it to Soundwave. And when the communications officer opened it, in the middle of the Bridge, random songs from various Disney movies started to play.)

(And they wouldn't stop.)

(In their respective movies, the songs are great, but playing in a random, endless loop, they're torture.)

(So as of now, Disney is banned by order of Commander Starscream.)

_**Rule # 83: Michael Jackson songs are officially banned. (By Undiscovered Poet)**_

(Did I learn nothing from the Thriller incident? The better question is: did Lord Megatron learn nothing from the last time he actually took my advice?)

(Guess not.)

(Long story short: I was bored, feeling cheeky, and wanted some amusement. Turned out Bucket-head was in the same mood. I showed him Man in the Mirror on the main screen and he was hooked. We spent hours looking up Michael Jackson song after Michael Jackson song.)

(They ended up stuck in both our heads for the next week.)

(I couldn't focus and accidentally scratched KO's finish.)

(Lord Megatron was distracted and consequently ended up having the slag beaten out of him by Prime.)

(Guess who was blamed for that?)

(So now Michael Jackson is forbidden.)

_**Rule # 84: The game 'Truth or Dare' is banned. That's final. (By Starcee138)**_

(I'm not going into detail, but you can imagine how this went down.)

(Dreadwing is now one step away from ordering that I can't teach the troops any more human games)

"Go ahead, lapdog! Just try it and watch how fast that rule gets broken!"

_**Rule # 85: Under no circumstances are you to play 'I'm Sexy and I Know It'. (By Starcee138)**_

(Knock Out loves that song. Abso-fraggin'-lutely loves it. He played it seventy times straight once.)

(Breakdown, on the other hand, can't stand it. He smashed the console it was playing on just so he didn't have to hear it anymore.)

(I used to like the song, but hearing it over and over again doesn't exactly endear one toward it.)

"Sorry, KO, but this time _you _have to follow _my_ rule."

(I have Breakdown's backing on this one.)

_**Rule # 86: For all intents and purposes, 'Man! I Feel Like a Woman!' is forbidden. (By inkdragon13)**_

(Care to guess why I'm not allowed to play this song anymore?)

(Yep. Because of Starscream.)

(He looks like a femme! It's those heels of his, and everyone here agrees with me.)

(The first time I played the song, the Vehicons couldn't hold back snickers – even Shiv, and he's Screamer's most loyal supporter! The second time, Lord Megatron actually smiled.)

(I have a feeling if Starscream hadn't banned the song there and then, Lord Megatron would've let me play it over and over again just to annoy the scrap out of the gray seeker.)

_**Rule # 87: The song by Rebecca Black known as 'Friday' is banned. (By inkdragon13)**_

(It _was_ Friday! Could somebody please tell me why it's so wrong to blare the song over the intercom in a never-ending loop?)

(I thought it was perfectly fine, but apparently Hardshell didn't think so.)

(He kidnapped me and demanded I turn it off at once.)

"Stupid bug. I can't turn it off if you won't put me down."

_**Rule # 88: Under no circumstances are you to watch the trilogy known as the 'Bayverse.' (By inkdragon13)**_

(You would not believe how horrible everyone looks! And they didn't even include Knock Out or Breakdown. Not to mention the fact that Megatron was killed by a human or that Starscream got his head blown to bits by said human.)

(The one good thing about it is that Megatron _does_ actually snuff Prime.)

(But does the fragger _stay_ offline?!)

(NO! The same human who killed Megatron goes on some quest to bring Prime back to life!)

(Tomorrow Breakdown and I are going to have a little talk with Michael Bay. I hope Rumble'll give my switch back before then.)

_**Rule # 89: As ridiculous as it sounds, popping chewing gum is also banned. (By inkdragon13)**_

(I forgot how sensitive Cybertronian hearing is.)

(Popping a bubble sounds like a gunshot to them.)

(Believe it or not, I'm not actually upset by the fact I can't blow bubbles anymore. It was my fault in the first place for not thinking about how the noise would sound to the 'cons.)

(Took being held upside down for an hour by Airachnid for me to figure it out, but live and learn, I guess.)

_**Rule # 90: Unfortunately, pranking a certain seeker with furry rodents is not allowed. (By inkdragon13)**_

(Said furry rodents being mice, of course, and said prank being locking Starscream in a room with a bunch of 'em.)

(I feel no remorse. None at all.)

(After all, what's better blackmail than a ten-minute recording of a so-called 'mechly' seeker screaming like a femme and running into things?)

(Nothing, that's what.)

(Screamer certainly earned his name that day.)

* * *

**Responses to Reviewers:**

**Undiscovered Poet: Thriller did turn out badly, didn't it? A very wise suggestion.**

**Starcee138: How did I know somebody was going to use that song for Knock Out? Anyways, sorry for the long wait.**

**Inkdragon13: As always, I thoroughly enjoy your sense of humor. And popping chewing gum annoys me to no end also.**

**Mayday200: Rule 71 has to be my favorite too. Prime was asking for it, having a frame like that!**

**Dream'sRealm: Optimus probably won't kill 'Bee, but he'll be furious when he finds out.**

**Fanficsakara: Thank you very much; I do try to make the rules amusing.**

**Naughtia: Youtube is a wonderful tool for making the 'cons glitch, ergo, it must be banned. Thanks for reviewing.**

**Hawky: Indeed, even though I feel kinda bad for teasing such an important Autobot.**

**Jara257: I cannot say how happy your review makes me. Seriously, I'm at a loss for words, and that almost never happens. Thank you, and thank you again.**

**Havbot: I might do a Halloween chapter later, so rest assured, your request is noted and filed.**

**Taboo22: The same here; it really brings out the rule and makes it twice as funny.**

**Wredan: Do you know you just gave me an idea for a little fic about a prank war between bots and cons where Shiloh fools Bulkhead with fake scraplets? **

**Mrs. Knockout: I agree with you all the way. KO's awesome, but Prime still has great hips.**

**PixelusPrime: Shiloh: You should have seen him; he was livid. Took him about six days to actually put me down and a month to let me go somewhere without him.**

**Elhini Prime: You have no clue how much I agree with you. As a little kid, the song's okay. Now, it's pure torture.**

**CrazyGlitch: Makes perfect sense, even Bucket-head already having a sparkmate. **

**Guest: Um… I don't actually know what Spongebob is, so I have no idea really what you're talking about…**

**IMPORTANT: For now, I will not be able to take suggestions. I would, but as of this moment, I already have three chapters of banned songs/activities and don't think I should do any more than three consecutive chapters on a single subject, but later in the writing of this story, I **_**will**_** come back to this topic. I will let you all know when thing are back to normal and I can take suggestions once more.**


	11. Banned Songs, Activities, Etc - II

_**Rule # 91: Using a marshmallow gun on anyone - or on anything for that matter is strictly forbidden. (By inkdragon13) **_

(In case this isn't self-explanatory, I'll elaborate.)

(Rumble, Frenzy, and I negotiated a temporary cease-fire under the conditions that Knock Out and Soundwave were off limits for the duration of said cease-fire. Any other 'con was fair game, but Screamer was our Prime Target.)

(He had the gall to announce in front of everyone that our petty rivalry was distracting him from proving himself to be the rightful First Lieutenant.)

(Naturally, we were offended and devised a plan to get back at him. It involved a marshmallow gun and a clever distraction.)

(That's where the plan, and our truce fell to pieces.)

(Those deployers went rogue and attacked Knock Out! He threw a huge fit; it took both me and Breakdown over an hour to calm him down enough that he didn't kill the twins. Meanwhile, Rumble and Frenzy actually filled up Lord Megatron's fusion cannon with marshmallows.)

(That's when I found out that the _Nemesis_ has a brig. I got to spend a few days locked in there with the twins.)

_**Rule # 92: The song known as 'It's a Small World After All' is not allowed. (By Mayday200)**_

(Poor, poor Hardshell. Such a stupid little bug to mention that the song drove him crazy while I was in earshot.)

(I rigged his commlink with Rumble's help - he's not as much of a glitch as his twin - to play the song in a loop for a couple of hours.)

(Only took Hardshell ten minutes to find me and threaten to drop me over the edge of the warship.)

(I don't doubt he would do it in a heartbeat.)

(The question is, would Frost be able to catch me in time?)

_**Rule # 93: The dance called the Robot is also banned. (By Mayday200)**_

(Irony, anyone? It has to be hilarious for robots to do the Robot.)

(Well, Dreadwing didn't think so.)

(He almost had the Vehicons who participated scrapped there and then.)

"Run, Dirge, run!"

_**Rule # 94: Youtube, in any way, shape, or form is forbidden. (By Naughtia)**_

(The reason behind this being that it has caused countless 'cons to glitch.)

(Need I go on?)

_**Rule # 95: 'The Ballad of Optimus Prime' is banned. Permanently. (By Naughtia)**_

(Megatron was_ this_ close to killing me when I played it.)

(Breakdown and … _Soundwave_ to the rescue?)

(Say what now?)

(I thought the communications officer hated me.)

(Weird...)

_**Rule # 96: The song known as 'Afro Circus' is not allowed. (By Jara257)**_

(Do I honestly need to explain this one?)

(Fine, but only because you asked.)

(This one's actually not my fault. You can blame Rafael. He's the one who uploaded a virus onto the mainframe while he and Soundwave were doing their contest - which I still take no responsibility for - that caused the song and video to spread like wildfire across the ship.)

(It took Soundwave three days to root out the virus and destroy it.)

(By then it had driven me and everyone else on the ship out of our minds - or processors, depending on how you look at it.)

_**Rule # 97: 'I Like Trains' is not to be played anywhere within the confines of the **_**Nemesis.** _**(By Jara257)**_

(I'm very, very sorry for this one. Really, I am.)

(It was just supposed to be a little joke, not a full-blown prank)

(Okay, so Knock Out had just gotten back from New York City a little the worse for wear.)

(Who am I kidding? He was barely recognizable, he was so scratched up.)

(Breakdown and I found out a train had run him over... twice.)

(We almost laughed, but he looked so pathetic, we just couldn't.)

(While I was helping fix him up, I put I Like Trains on. I was trying to be funny, but KO was extremely offended and - well, I don't remember exactly what he did.)

(But I'm still very, very sorry for teasing him.)

_**Rule # 98: For obvious reasons, the song known as 'Sexy Back' is banned. (By Jara257)**_

(After Patchy - sorry, Breakdown - and I banned I'm Sexy and I Know It, Knock Out got a little mad. He deliberately played this one twice as loud just to spite us.)

(Yeah, Breakdown was not amused.)

(Bye-bye to that console, too.)

_**Rule # 99: Following Item 98, the song called 'I'm too Sexy' is banned as well. (By Havbot)**_

(Knock Out, just because we won't let you play the other songs doesn't mean you're allowed to use this one!)

(He decided to play this one while Breakdown was out of the room. Apparently he thought I couldn't do anything about it on my own.)

(Wrong!)

(I shorted out that console using an 'accidentally' spilled bucket of paint.)

(Knock Out forgave me because he really thought I didn't mean to do it.)

_**Rule # 100: 'Benny Hill' is no longer allowed. (By Mrs. Knockout) **_

(So I wanted to irritate the frag out of Airachnid. Is that so wrong?)

(If it is, it don't want to be right.)

(But the spider-creep didn't have to web me to the ceiling again.)

* * *

**Responses to Reviewers:**

**Undiscovered Poet: Oh, yes, definately worth it on every level.**

**Inkdragon13: I think Megzy did like it, but being the big, bad, evil warlord he is, he couldn't let it show.**

**Hawky: Yeah, I do kind of understand about feeling bad for Megatron. It's not really his fault. Blame Michael Jackson.**

**Taboo22: Why, thank you. I'm glad I'm doing a good job.**

**Havbot: Cruella DeVil does apply to Starscream in some weird way, doesn't it? I'll use your suggestions later.**

**Anonymous BW FG: Ah, I understand completely now. You were referring to whether it was freestanding in Prime or not.**

**Naughtia: KO can't help it if he looks that good. And besides, the song was obviously begging to be applied to Knock Out.**

**Lusewing: To be fair, Shiloh was completely asking for it. Can't really blame Prime for blowing his top.**

**Guest: I finally got this chapter done; it took a while, but here is the update you asked for.**


	12. A Decepticon New Year's

**AN: I fully intended not to update anything until I finished Chapter 6 of Prime: the Beast Saga, but PixelusPrime gave me an idea too great to wait on.**

**To quote: **How about having Prime (or some other 'willing' Autobot) dropped from the Nemesis bow to the ground to welcome in the new year?

**Oh, the evil grin I got from that.**

**So, PixelusPrime, and all my reviewers, a New Year's one-shot.**

* * *

This was going to be a great day, Shiloh could feel it. The Autobot rookie, arrived exactly a week ago, had just been captured, and unfortunately for him, a certain human had made a habit of visiting all the prisoners. Hopefully he wasn't expecting a pleasant stay.

"Shiny," Shiloh remarked upon seeing his paint job. The Autobot glared. "Knock Out's not going to like that. I don't like it much either; I spent _forever_ buffing out the scratches from his last tangle with you Autobots."

"What's a tiny human like you doing here?" the Autobot asked warily.

"According to Starscream, I'm Knock Out's pet." Shiloh went right up to the bars separating her and the mech. Curiously, the spaces between said bars were wide enough for her to walk comfortably through, but she didn't want to test the security parameters. "But according to me, I'm here because I need help."

"You'd be safer with Optimus." The white, red, and blue rookie slouched against the wall, one leg propped up.

Shiloh balled her hands into fists. A metallic groaning filled the detention area. "I'm perfectly fine where I'm at, Autobot," she said.

"Name's Smokescreen."

"Whatever."

"Your name?" Smokescreen prompted.

The human sat in front of the glowing blue bars. "Shiloh. Not that it matters to you." She rubbed her right shoulder, easing the soreness that had been bothering her for a while. Again the sound of metal scraping against metal echoed in the space. A confused frown passed over Smokescreen's features. It faded when he caught sight of something completely out of place.

"What happened?" he asked, voice hushed.

As if it could hide the mechanical arm, Shiloh pulled on the sleeve of her t-shirt. "None of your business," she muttered darkly.

Swiftly changing the subject, Smokescreen demanded, "You're just down here to torture me, aren't you?"

"Not exactly." Shiloh stood back up, preparing to leave. "I make it a point to pay all our prisoners a visit while they still function."

As the human started to walk away, the Autobot called out, "There can't possibly be prisoners that often."

Shiloh cast a murderous grin in his direction as she walked. "Believe me, rookie, you don't want the answer to that." She passed a flier Vehicon on her way out. "Knock Out said he wanted the Autobot to be surprised." Understanding, the drone typed a command into a nearby console. Seconds later, Smokescreen cried out and collapsed in his cell.

* * *

"Wakey, wakey." With Knock Out's faceplate just inches from his own, one could say Smokescreen was suitably surprised. He struggled against the energon bars restraining his limbs. Cold metal was up against his back. Oh Pit, he was in the Decepticon medical bay, strapped to an examination table.

Knock Out wagged a digit as a carrier would to a disobedient sparkling. "No need for that," he said. Behind him, Smokescreen could make out the frames of Soundwave and a particularly irritated-looking Megatron. Miko had once mentioned the concept of karma to him. Was this the universe's payback for him being so reckless and impulsive? If it was, could the universe please lighten up a little - just a little?

Once bucket-head finished his 'You're finally awake so now I can tell you what's in store' speech, Soundwave's visor flickered to life, displaying an encrypted set of coordinates. Smokescreen allowed himself a disbelieving laugh.

"You got the wrong guy. I don't know how to decode that fancy stuff," he growled, still pulling at the restraints. All of a sudden, Smokescreen noticed the barely suppressed madness in Knock Out's optics as he retreated to pick up a scanner.

"Ah, but you misunderstand," Megatron announced quite dramatically, "Soundwave has already decoded the last set of Iacon coordinates."

_Then why do you need me?_ The question was on the tip of his glossa when the runes on Soundwave's display started to dissolve and take shape. The figure that emerged was familiar... too familiar. Smokescreen's mouth dropped open.

Megatron took notice and jabbed him in the chestplate. "So you see, I do indeed have the _right guy."_

* * *

Shiloh entered the med-bay, curious to see what happened to the Autobot. Disappointingly, he was still strapped to the berth, head hanging, optics offline. Shiloh searched for her guardian, but he was nowhere in sight. It was getting late, and besides, it was New Year's Eve. Tonight she and the vain medic were supposed to go racing, just the two of them. Where was he?

"Looking for something?" Breakdown's gruff vocalization broke into her thoughts. She smiled at the huge 'con.

"Yeah, Knock Out. Figured he'd be taking care of the rookie. You know, for good." Shiloh drew a hand across her neck pointedly. She turned back to the Autobot's limp frame. She eventually said, "Seems a waste of a perfectly good Autobot to me."

Breakdown made a face. "One less to deal with on the battlefield."

"On Earth, there's a tradition of dropping a huge glittering ball at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve," she said almost wistfully, walking over to where Breakdown stood. Shiloh carefully kept still while he picked her up and deposited her on a ledge where they could see each other better. "It'd be funny to drop him," - she jerked her thumb at Smokescreen - "off the bow to welcome in the new age of Decepticon rule."

A hearty laugh shook Breakdown's frame. "It would be funny," he agreed. "Tell you what, since Lord Megatron told Knock Out and me to dispose of the Autobot and a fall that far would definitely snuff his spark, why don't we do just that?"

"Really?" Shiloh didn't believe what she was hearing. Breakdown agreeing to one of her plans? It was nearly too good to be true. She loosed an involuntary squeal of excitement. "Patchy, you're the best!"

"Excepting Knock Out, of course." Breakdown decided to let the 'Patchy' jibe go.

"Of course. KO's in a class all his own."

* * *

"Tell me again why we're doing this," Knock Out called to his partner, who had the still-unconscious Autobot slung over his shoulder.

Next to his pede, Shiloh replied, "Because it's a fun way to celebrate New Year's." She looked up at him, a question on her face. Sighing, Knock Out knelt and offered a servo. Shiloh grabbed one of the pointed digits, holding tight while the medic lifted her onto his shoulder. Knock Out stood and gazed at the dark sky, admiring how you could see the stars this high in the atmosphere.

Breakdown smirked as the Autobot stirred. He grabbed Smokescreen's doorwings - which he knew were the most sensitive part of the mech's frame - and dangled him over the edge of the bow. That woke the rookie up real quick. He struggled and pulled on the 'con's servos, trying desperately to get free.

Shiloh checked her commlink for the time. "If Knock Out's calculations are correct - which they usually are - wait another... twenty seconds," she shouted. The following fifteen seconds lasted an eternity. "Five, four... Okay, now, Breakdown!"

The only thing holding up the young Autobot suddenly disappeared and he plummeted downwards.

Back on deck, Knock Out looked at the timer on his commlink counting down from precisely 98.7 seconds. Once it ticked down to three, Shiloh moved close to her guardian's neck.

Two.

One.

Impulsively, almost as if her body had a mind of it's own, Shiloh leaned right next to Knock Out's faceplate and kissed his cheek. She lurched backwards immediately after, her face bright red. The poor mech appeared as though he lost all processing power. His optics dimmed a little bit and his expression froze. Hydraulics locked in place, and Knock Out tilted dangerously backwards, prompting Breakdown to rush over and snatch up the human who was almost in the same state.

Surprise etched on his features, Knock Out fell to the deck with a resounding thud.

Shiloh put a hand over her mouth, still blushing half from embarrassment and half from shock. _Oh frag, what the Pit did I just do?_

* * *

**AN: Don't worry, Smokescreen's okay. He managed to get a call through to the Autobot Base while he was in freefall, and they sent him a Bridge. No injuries, except for when he crashed into Bulkhead upon entering the Base.**

**As you can see, this is my take on the episode, 'Inside Job.' Most of the dialogue in the second section is from the episode itself, just with a few changes. I haven't been able to find the time to rewatch the episode, so I went from memory.**

**Responses to Reviewers:**

**Havbot: Yeah, it's a little late, but I hope you had a merry Christmas as well.**

**Naughtia: I enjoyed making the rules for Knock Out. It's just so fun to use his vanity against him!**

**Corona Pax: Now that you mention it, Beast Wats Megatron is reminiscent of Barney. They're both purple, but Megzy could use some green spots.**

**Wredan: Thank you very much.**

**Anonymous BW FG: No you don't; the Muppets would drive anyone nuts given enough time. Especially if you happen to be a giant alien robot.**

**Inkdragon13: I sure hope Knock Out wouldn't get _that_ curious about anatomy. And scary stories should be banned. Megatron would enjoy it too much.**

**Hawky: I wouldn't want to see it after the marshmallow incident because Megzy would be extremely pissed...**

**Taboo22: Ha, so Fran Drescher is like the human version of Starscream. Not that I'd tell Screamer that. I quite like living.**

**CatGirlFireflare: Hmm, that's very interesting how similar they are. Great minds think alike perhaps?**

**PixelusPrime: Snow is so much fun! I wonder how things would turn out in the human vs. Autobot snowball fight you suggested.**


	13. Banned Songs, Activites, Etc - III

**AN: In this chapter there is a little helper with some of the rules. Okay, he's not technically 'little', but you get the idea, right? His additions will not be in parentheses and will be in italics. **

**So for the sake of clarity, an example:**

(Shiloh speaking.)

_The Helper speaking._

* * *

_**Rule # 101: Karaoke - under any circumstances - is not allowed. (By PixelusPrime)**_

(The reason being because it's totally unfair.)

(Soundwave always wins. Always. It annoys the frag out of me.)

(And I don't even participate!)

_**Rule # 102: In conjunction to item 101, the game Band Hero is also forbidden. (By PixelusPrime)**_

(Yet again, Soundwave always wins.)

(Because of his tentacles and also because of the fact that he and his deployers share a mental link and also because of the fact that he has every song on the entire slagging game memorized, no one else even has a chance.)

(Dreadwing, Lord Megatron, the Insecticons, and I wisely chose not to participate.)

(Shrike and Revv stopped playing the fourth time.)

(The rest of the Vehicons dropped out the seventh.)

(Starscream stubbornly stayed until the twenty-fifth game.)

(Breakdown quit last round.)

(Airachnid just admitted defeat.)

(Knock Out thinks he still has a chance.)

(Spare your dignity and quit already, doc.)

_**Rule # 103: Any song containing any reference to a 'Gummy Bear' is banned. (By PixelusPrime)**_

(Frenzy's fault, not mine!)

(Long story short: another prank war, this one involving the whole crew and at times, the Autobots; Frenzy shorted out the main computer with this 'Gummy Bear Song' while trying to get back at me for getting him locked in the brig again - to be fair, I was locked in there with him - and it didn't go quite as planned.)

(Soundwave was trying to decode the Iacon Database at the time.)

(Heh, Frenzy made his daddy glitch.)

_**Rule # 104: Whatever this 'Barney' is, it is banned. (By Elhini Prime)**_

_I don't understand what about this torturous show is pleasing to human youth._

(Hey, Starscream.)

_The song at the end of every episode is particularly annoying. And not to mention audio-piercing._

(Starscream.)

_So for Primus' sake, human, stop playing it over the intercom whenever it pleases you! You caused Airachnid, Dreadwing, Hardshell, and countless Vehicons to glitch last time. Who knows what will happen the next. _

(Screamer!)

_What I'm trying to say is, play that infernal song again and I will throw you off the main deck myself!_

_Perhaps the only redeeming quality of the show is that Lord Megatron finds it even more repulsive than I-_

(SCREAMER!)

_What is it, fleshbag?!_

(The name. Is. Shiloh!)

(And you fragging glitch. Get out of here; these are my rules! You're scaring the newbie!)

(Sorry about that. Starscream wasn't supposed to be around here right now. I hope he didn't get to you.)

(Oh. In that case, I'm really sorry. I could get back at him for you if you want.)

_**Rule # 105: Setting up dates for certain Lords of Chaos is not allowed. (By CrazyGlitch)**_

(I thought Megzy needed to loosen up and told Rumble that much.)

(He said if Megatron had a sparkmate, he might chillax more. That seemed to make sense to me, so I went along with it. I didn't understand why we asked the Vehicons until Knock Out much later explained to me that Cybertronians actually have no gender. The designation of mech or femme is based upon frame alone.)

(So if Starscream has those heels... what does that make him?)

(Whatever, I'm off topic anyway.)

(As I was saying earlier, Rumble and I asked around to see if any of the Vehicons was - ahem. Sorry, it still feels strange to say this aloud - compatible with Lord Megatron.)

(Turns out no one is quite that crazy. Some are that _weird,_ though.)

(I found out later that Megzy already has a sparkmate. She's just not, you know, around.)

_**Rule # 106: 'Spongebob' is forbidden - whatever it may be. (By Guest)**_

_Human, I am _this _close to banning human entertainment period. You always manage to find the most irritating things to play over the intercom._

(Screamer, I'm not going over this again. You're scaring the newbie and - more to the point - these are my rules! I'm trying to keep the newbie from getting killed by a Decepticon if they do something wrong.)

_Shut up, human. I'm doing this rule. And if you have a problem with it, by all means, object. I would love to see just how fast you can run._

_As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, this "Spongebob" contains the most repulsively stupid characters I have ever seen! Nothing could possibly be worse!_

(Have you looked in the mirror lately?)

_I have these missiles for a reason, fleshbag. You're trying my patience._

(You have patience?)

_Three seconds. Two. One. Zero._

(Knock Out!)

_Keep running, human. I could do this all day!_

_**Rule # 107: 'Mortal Kombat' is forbidden. (By Havbot)**_

(No. I'm not going to tell you what happened to cause this rule.)

(I don't like to think about it.)

(Just... Just don't play it.)

(I don't want to have to hurt you.)

_**Rule # 108: The franchise known as the 'Beast Wars' is henceforth banned. (By Corona Pax)**_

(You know that Megzy is a purple T-rex in that show? And there's thankfully no Starscream.)

(I managed to get the crew together to watch a few episodes with me - and I didn't even have to lie to them about what I was doing. Most of the 'cons couldn't get over the fact that their fearless leader was a dionsaur.)

(And guess what? Beast Wars Megatron has a rubber duck just like our Megzy! He even took a bath with it in one episode. Now if only I knew if our Megatron did that...)

(Rumble mentioned that the purple Megzy looked like Barney.)

(Frenzy came up with the idea to play Barney and Beast Wars side-by-side. He also thought it would be funny to paint Megatron purple with green polkadots. I, being the complete and total idiot I was, quickly agreed to help him out.)

(Me and Frenzy got locked in the Brig for a week after that.)

_**Rule # 109: As fun as the game is, Tag is banned. (By Anonymous BW FG)**_

(It's all fun and games 'til someone gets hurt, as the saying goes. Fun and games meaning, well fun and games, and someone meaning me.)

(Starscream walked in on me playing tag with Revv, Dirge, Shiv, Frost, Shrike, and Thrust. His first question was what did I do to make the Vehicons mad? He didn't get it was a game.)

(And when I explained, he eagerly joined in.)

(And nearly stepped on me... Three fragging times!)

(I was confined to the med-bay for a month and banned from playing tag for the rest of my life. Doctor's orders.)

_**Rule # 110: The theme song of the Muppets is no longer allowed. (By Anonymous BW FG)**_

(This one's for me. Don't get me wrong, I loved the Muppets when I was younger. Now I can't stand the theme song.)

(The reason for this rule is because Rumble - I take back my earlier statement that he's not as much of a glitch as Frenzy - decided to wake me up from a much needed sleep following a two-day scouting mission in Alaska of all places using this song.)

(I probably would've killed him had not Soundwave come to his rescue and had Breakdown not grabbed me.)

(Knock Out was highly amused to find out what drove me up the wall that time.)

* * *

**AN: All of the rules you guys suggested are going to be covered in the next General Rules chapter - or two, depending on how many suggestions come in for next chapter. I would've done those first, but I've had this idea in my head for quite some time and finally decided to use it.**

**Responses to Reviewers:**

**Anonymous BW FG: I couldn't help the 'Patchy' part. I just couldn't. With that eyepatch, Breakdown looks like a pirate.**

**Hawky: I'd love to do a follow-up on the events of New Years. I really would. But let's suffice to say that Soundwave had enough blackmail material from that one night to last him four months.**

**Undiscovered Poet: With Shiloh's luck, half the crew and probably Megatron himself knew what happened within five or ten minutes.**

**Wredan: Oh yes, they were in huge trouble when it was discovered that Smokescreen was still alive. Can you say Brig time for a month?**

**Havbot: I don't feel sorry for Knock Out either. And honestly, I don't know if I should feel sorry for Shiloh making him glitch like that.**

**Naughtia: I succeeded at cute? Awesome! KO wasn't expecting it, so it startled him a lot. And I'm never killing off Breakdown again - unless you count the Hidden Past rewrite - never! *grabs and hugs Breaky***

**Taboo22: Thanks! I hope you had a happy new year yourself.**

**PixelusPrime: Your ideas give me evil grins all the time. I can't wait to see what suggestions you have in store for other holidays.**

**Silvermusic384: Hi, Silver! Thank you so, so much for the compliment; you have no idea how much it means coming from you. You keep up your great work as well, chica!**

**Next Chapter: On the Subject of Phobias...**

**Just one little note that could help with a rule or two - Shiloh is aquaphobic. Contrary to popular belief that all Hawaiians love surfing and swimming, water terrifies her, whether it's the ocean, a pool, or a bathtub. She won't set foot in water unless someone throws her in, despite living on the island of O'ahu until she was twelve. Her phobia extends to water guns, water balloons, and anything else involving large quantities of water - even rain.**


	14. On the Subject of Phobias

_**Rule # 111: When facing the Autobot Wrecker, it is wise to note his intense fear of Scraplets. (By Wredan)**_

(Yeah, the Wrecker said that I was "more annoying than a scraplet" one time while I was being held by the Autobots _again._ What the heck that was, at the time I had no clue. Once I was rescued - more like I escaped with help from... ugh, Darby - I immediately asked what a Scraplet was.)

(Breakdown shuddered. Knock Out almost glitched. I had to wait until we got back to the warship to find out what they were. I asked Soundwave what the heck a Scraplet was, and he hesitated a moment before bringing up a digital file of what appeared to be an adorable little critter. Which promptly transformed into an evil Pit-spawned demon and attacked a couple of Cybertronians.)

(And tore them to pieces.)

(And ate them.)

(I did not need to see all five minutes of that, Soundwave!)

(Since it was apparent that the Wrecker didn't like Scraplets, I recruited Breakdown in helping me in building a life-size model of one using some scrap metal Knock Out had lying around the medical bay.)

(A short time after, I got to introduce the Autobots to my little friend.)

(Each and every one of them flipped out.)

(Even Prime.)

(No; I'm serious. Prime looked as close to the edge of a freak-out as he could possibly get.)

(But the Wrecker... Oh man, my sides still hurt from laughing at him screaming and hiding behind the two-wheeler.)

_**Rule # 112: Intentionally having a certain gray Seeker play a game in order to scare him is not recommended - but it **_**is**_** allowed. (By Wredan)**_

(You know that maze game online where if you touch the dot to the side walls, a scary face pops up? I maybe, kinda, sorta, oh, I don't know, started playing it and invited Starscream to try when he came to see what I was doing.)

(He touched the wall within five seconds.)

(Then he screamed like a femme when the scary face popped up - even louder and shriller than when I locked him in a room full of mice.)

(Do you really gotta go around earnin' your name all the time, Screamer?)

_**Rule # 113: Cutting the power to the lights all across the ship so you can find out who's afraid of the dark is not allowed. (By inkdragon13)**_

(I couldn't help it. A lot of people are afraid of the dark - or what's in the dark. So obviously, the next thing that goes through my mind is: Does the statement apply to Cybertronians as well?)

(I asked Knock Out. In a shaking voice, he replied that he didn't know.)

(So I tricked the twins into helping me cut the power to find out if anyone on board was afraid of the dark. Two seconds later a scream came from the direction of the med-bay. I immediately ran there to see what was wrong.)

(Along the way, I ran into Soundwave. Literally. Did you know he glows? Anyways, Soundwave picked me up with one of his tentacles and brought me up so that I was looking at his visor. Didn't do anything else, just held me up there and stared at me through that mask of his.)

(Slenderman much, Soundwave?)

(Once I got down and arrived in the med-bay, someone had finally turned the lights back on. You'll never guess what I saw in there.)

(Knock Out was in Breakdown's arms, shaking, his optics shut tight.)

(My fabulous, prissy guardian, a Decepticon with no qualms about dismembering an enemy _just for the fun of it,_ is scared of the dark.)

(One word: Wow.)

_**Rule # 114: Salt water + Knock Out's freshly waxed finish = the worst five days of your life. (By Taboo22)**_

(I did not do this one, trust me. And I can prove it. Whoever pulled this prank used a ton of water to do it - and I just don't do water.)

(Besides, I figured out quickly that if I mess up the paint job, I will spend however long it takes fixing it. I also have to fix it whenever certain _someones _- yeah, I'm lookin' at you, Rumble and Frenzy - decide to mess it up for the hell of it.)

(Well, I was catching up on my sleep because Megatron decided that if the Decepticons didn't get to rest for a week, neither did I, and some idiot put salt water in the wash racks while Knock Out was cleaning up.)

(He went in with a minor scratch that I was going to buff out when I woke up; he came out with almost no paint at all.)

(Five days. Five damned days of getting rid of the salt residue, redoing his paint job and his decals, and shining him up like new.)

(So almost no sleep at all for twelve days.)

(Either someone on this warship hates me more than Starscream and Airachnid put together, or someone just really enjoys it when I'm in a bad mood.)

_**Rule # 115: All Seekers are claustrophobic. (By Taboo22)**_

(You have no clue how many times I had to say sorry to Dreadwing before he would even speak to me again, let alone for him to stop assigning me patrols with Hardshell and Airachnid.)

(I locked him in a utility closet because I mistook the sound of his footsteps for Hardshell's. For a Seeker, Dreadwing sure walks heavy. And when I realized my mistake, I tried to get him out as fast as I could. But the door was jammed!)

(Knock Out was away on some mission in California, Breakdown was still shaking off his last encounter with MECH, and no one else could get the stupid thing open.)

(It was a full day before Dreadwing got out.)

(His wings were trembling so hard they actually made the floor vibrate. His optics were wider than I thought they could go. He kept muttering about the walls closing in on him. And then it hit me: he's claustrophobic!)

(Knock Out told me when he got back that Seekers can't stand being grounded and are inherently afraid of small spaces that cramp their wings.)

(Did you really have to make me feel even more guilty for locking Dreadwing in the closet by accident, Doc?)

_**Rule # 116: Buckets of water may not come within a hundred meters of Lord Megatron or me, for that matter. (By Hawky)**_

(It's not that Megatron is scared of water; he simply doesn't appreciate it being thrown on him at inopportune times. On the other hand, I hate water. I can't stand it. I can't, even though I grew up surrounded by water.)

(A certain pair of small mechs - who shall remain nameless - came up with the bright idea to dump a huge bucket of water on our heads.)

(Before I could tell them no, I was drenched.)

(And screaming.)

(Megatron immediately declared that there were to be no buckets of water within a hundred meters of him or me - just because he couldn't stand the sound of me screaming my head off.)

_**Rule # 117: Start a water balloon fight, and you better hope you get locked in the Brig. (By **__**Anonymous BW FG)**_

(See, I'm... Well, I'm aquaphobic. I know I said I hate water, and it's true, but that's only because it terrifies me. I never set foot in even a bathtub unless someone threw me in, I'm so scared of it. So guess what the twins decided to do? They procure a bunch of water balloons, fill them up, and throw them at me.)

(Of course they didn't know that I was afraid of water at the time. They just decided it was the next step in our prank war. I suppose maybe they thought I was going to steal some and toss them back. But they _weren't_ expecting my reaction.)

(You know how some people act when they're up too high or are in the dark? They freak out and go for the nearest safe place they can find, right? No, not me. I have a fragging panic attack when I get wet.)

(After the second water balloon hit me, my heart leapt into my throat and I felt like I was going to faint. Frenzy noticed and demanded to know why I was acting like a baby.)

(He hit me with another balloon. And another. And another.)

(I finally lost it and ran to my room, soaked to the bone, crying uncontrollably, shivering because I was freezing and because I was wet. I forgot to lock my door. Rumble and Frenzy followed me; as soon as they saw me curled up in a corner sobbing, they apologized. They really were sorry and hadn't mean to make me cry. They were just trying to have fun.)

(Now they'll beat up anyone who gets me wet or threatens to do so.)

(The twins may be glitches when it comes to pranks, but even they know how to be nice when the situation calls for it.)

_**Rule # 118: Pool Parties are only fun if you like water. (By **__**Anonymous BW FG)**_

(It's official: I despise Airachnid.)

(It was my birthday and I wanted to spend the day with Knock Out since he promised me we'd go do something special once he finished his duties. But just as I was walking to the med-bay to see if he was done, I ended up webbed to the wall from behind. Airachnid came up to me and told me, "Knock Out has to wait; I've got a surprise for you.")

(The way she said 'surprise' sent a chill down my spine.)

(There's a section of the Rec Room that can have the floor drop away to emulate a battle in a canyon or a gorge.)

(It was filled to the brim with water.)

_(Cold_ water.)

(Between my shouted objections and Airachnid's sarcastic reassurance that water couldn't hurt me, we made everyone in the Rec Room turn and stare at us. With a good forty 'cons watching, the spider-legged freak tossed me into the water and held me under.)

(That Pit-spawned glitch of a femme tried to drown me.)

(Luckily someone went to get Breakdown and Knock Out before things ended badly, but I still caught pneumonia and was sick for over a month.)

(Airachnid got her aft handed to her by an especially irate Knock Out while Breakdown rescued me. KO then refused to fix her until I was up and about. Lord Megatron didn't object - he likes his medics sane, thank you very much.)

_**Rule # 119: Airachnid is, ironically, arachnophobic. (By Guest/Havbot)***_

(Following the disastrous 'Pool Party' - as certain 'cons came to call the incident - I was not in the mood to be assigned to patrols with Airachnid.)

(Yeah, Dreadwing was still mad about the whole closet incident.)

(Whenever it was just me and her, she'd spend the entire time planning new ways to kill me. Once she came up with one, she'd tell it to me. I'd shoot down every plan from the start, saying that Knock Out would kill _her_ before that happened.)

(One day we were scouting a dense forest for energon deposits and Airachnid came up with the plan of simply leaving me there when it came time to go back to the ship. I countered that Knock Out would notice and bridge to the coordinates to find me. She said she wouldn't leave me anywhere close to the Bridge site; she wasn't that stupid. I found a rather large spider, picked it up, and showed it to her, fully intending to squash it and then tell her that Knock Out would do the same thing to her should she follow through with that plan.)

(Before I could say that, Airachnid drew back, looking both disgusted and afraid.)

(My reaction: "Seriously, the spider-legged freak is afraid of spiders?")

(She shot me a withering glare.)

(She probably would have webbed me to a tree and left me there had I not decided to bring the spider along for the rest of the patrol.)

_**Rule # 120: Knock Out is afraid of birds - pigeons, specifically. (By Guest)**_

(Haven't you heard? Red cars and birds have a nasty relationship.)

_(Someone_ showed Knock Out the statistics, which imply that cars with red paint jobs tend to be - you know what I'm getting at.)

(Now he is terrified of birds, and will deliberately avoid them whenever he possibly can. If he can't, then he heads straight for the wash racks once he gets back to the _Nemesis.)_

(Thank Primus. That is one mess I do _not_ want to clean up.)

* * *

***Both Guest and Havbot suggested arachnophobia, one in general and the other specifically suggested that Airachnid was afraid of spiders. Since both were so similar, I decided to combine them.**

**Responses to Reviewers:**

**Brave kid: Thanks for the comment. Sorry for the wait (on this and other stories). Heh... **^_^"

**Elhini Prime: It was so classic I had to do something completely different than the rest of the rules for it. Glad you enjoyed it.**

**Wredan: It wouldn't be a proper phobia chapter without mentioning Scraplets. Poor Bulkhead. And anyone else in the general vicinity of said Scraplet.**

**Inkdragon13: Most people are scared of what lurks in the darkest shadows and deepest black. I sympathize with you - I was nyctophobic until recently. And oh yeah, Soundwave would get so creepy!**

**Warperchick: Actually, yes, I do. Just started going there at the beginning of the semester.**

**Taboo22: As brilliant an idea as that is, I don't think Shiloh would be that mean to her guardian. Ergo, I had to tweak it a little.**

**Hawky: I looked up the episode with the Rubber Duck just for you. Feral Scream Part I.**

**Anonymous BW FG: Beast Wars rocks. 'Nuff said. Breaky's a Pirate FTW. And lazy while sick works. Your ideas are awesome no matter what.**

**Guest: Gotta love irony. And Knock Out **_**would **_**be scared of birds for that reason, wouldn't he?**

**Havbot: Trust me, I was going to use it regardless if it was suggested or not. I can never leave well enough alone.**

**Soundwave'sGirl180: When I come back to Banned Songs, Activities, Etc. I will definitely use your suggestions.**

**Next (Few, Probably) Chapter(s): General Rules.**


	15. General Rules - III

_**Rule # 121: Talking about Fanfiction while on the warship if it contains slash will result in at least a few hours in the Brig. (By inkdragon13)**_

(I was surfing the internet and happened upon a site called FanFiction. There was a link to an archive of Transformer stories. Apparently there are people aside from me, Darby, Darby's mom, Rafael, the Exchange Student, and the government who know about the Decepticons and Autobots.)

(They would properly be classified as Fangirls/Fanboys.)

(Out of curiosity, I clicked on one of the stories, and within two chapters fell off the console, laughing so hard my chest hurt. But then one of the Vehicons asked why I was laughing and why I was on the floor.)

(I explained the concept of slash to him and then paraphrased the story I'd read with the words: "Megzy and Prime." He didn't make the connection. I tried to be clearer, but he still didn't get it. Then I just flat out said it.)

(Just as Lord Megatron walked in.)

(When he heard what we were discussing, he glitched. Took Knock Out a day or two to get him back online.)

(Megatron immediately grabbed me and demanded to know where I came up with that. I stammered through explaining that I found it online - I didn't come up with it!)

(He didn't believe me.)

(There's now a cell in the Brig with my name on it.)

(Literally.)

_**Rule # 122: Discussing human anatomy within audio-range of Knock Out is a horrible idea. (By inkdragon13)**_

(Frenzy wanted to fool around and it was _that _time of the month. I snapped at him to get his little punk aft back to Soundwave before I kicked it there.)

(He was thoroughly insulted.)

(And Soundwave apparently decided to send him the desired information about the reasoning for my attitude via their mental link.)

(Which sparked a discussion that I was not in the mood for.)

(I'm not going into any more detail. Just know that Knock Out, being the doctor - albeit an insane one - he is, got too curious for his own good and I ended up having to scratch his finish to get him to stop.)

_**Rule # 123: Telling scary stories is only wise if you are immune to fear. (By inkdragon13)**_

(Which basically means - Don't do this unless you're Lord Megatron.)

(Remember when I told you about the horror movie marathon?)

(Take that reaction, spread it across the entire ship, have the lights mysteriously go out - no, I had nothing to do with that - and make Megatron laugh evilly when KO screams.)

(That was all before we even started telling scary stories.)

(I started out with a few of the stories I was told as a girl in Hawaii, with minimal reaction. I knew they wouldn't find any of them scary anyway - those were tribal tales, and besides, I was just trying to get them warmed up.)

(The only problem was, they told absolutely true stories. None of what they said could be counted as false or embellished. They didn't understand the concept of 'story' in the context.)

(Breakdown talked about the underground Gladitorial Fights in Slaughter City and Kaon. Knock Out chipped in - while still hanging onto Breakdown as tight as he possibly could - with details of Shockwaves failed experiments let loose in the Badlands and Sea of Rust that destroyed everything they touched. Starscream added the destruction of Six Lasers Over Cybertron - which was, oddly enough, equivalent to an amusement park. Airachnid described in gory detail some of her 'hunts' on foreign planets. Rumble and Frenzy clamored on about the fall of Omega Supreme at Megatron's servos. Dreadwing reluctantly recounted some of the more destructive battles he'd been in against the Wreckers.)

(But Megatron... I had nightmares for weeks when he talked about being Darkened and utterly leveling everyone and everything in his path, fighting with injuries that by all logic should have killed him and still stomping the Autobots literally into the ground.)

(I'm doing you a huge favor by being as vague as I am. You wouldn't sleep for days if I went any deeper into detail.)

_**Rule # 124: Do not compare Starscream to Fran Drescher. (By Taboo22)**_

(This is just so ironic I can barely fathom it, even now. Fran Drescher loves Stilettos, her voice is irritating, and she suspiciously shows tendencies towards bragging, whining, and begging.)

(Swap the gender and species to mech and Cybertronian, and guess who you've got?)

(Screamer; exactly! But he doesn't like being compared to a human. He _will_ hurt you if you dare to do this.)

(So if you decide to ignore my warning and compare him to Fran Drescher anyway, I will see you in the medical bay.)

(And I will be laughing my head off when Knock Out asks exactly what you did.)

_**Rule # 125: Please, for the sake of all things kawaii, leave the kitten where you found it. (By inkdragon13)**_

(Revv took me to restock on food and I found this kitten outside the store on my way out. It was so cute, with huge blue eyes and fluffy black fur, I just _had_ to take it back with me. Revv was going to object, but once he saw how adorable it was, he couldn't say no.)

(Once we bridged back on board the _Nemesis_, I took the kitten to my room so no one would see it and get mad. I took care of it and played with it while trying not to get caught. Unfortunately, nothing ever stays a secret for long when you live with Decepticons.)

(A week passed before Rumble walked in on me feeding the kitten. I thought he was going to make me get rid of it. No, he asked if he could play with it. When Frenzy found out a day later, he never stopped fussing over how adorable it was.)

(Pretty soon, everyone knew about the kitten. And Megatron was not happy I brought it aboard without his permission.)

(He had Starscream drag me - holding the kitten, which I had named Uli, meaning blue - to the Bridge. Then Megzy demanded that I get rid of the "disgusting feline mammal" at once.")

(I replied smoothly, "Just look at him; he's adorable! Surely not even the great Lord of the Decepticons could say no to Uli." Megzy took one look at the kitten and melted. No, he couldn't say no to such an adorable little creature. It took Soundwave to finally snap and snatch Uli from me and order Ravage to take him back to the surface.)

(How could you be so cruel, Soundwave?!)

_**Rule # 126: Dreadwing is not a moth. (By inkdragon13)**_

(Something about Dreadwing's frame always bothered me. I didn't know what it was but it always bothered me. And then it just hit me one day - Dreadwing looks like a moth!)

(I'm sure you know the next thing I thought of after that.)

(How did I get away with it? Oh believe me, I didn't. Dreadwing spent hours chasing me around the ship. He wasn't shouting, like Starscream. Or trying to shoot me, like Airachnid. Or sending someone else after me, like Soundwave. He just chased me. I must have run a couple of miles that day.)

(It's amazing how much faster one runs when their life is at stake.)

(When I couldn't run anymore, I collapsed in the middle of the hallway, prepared to end up in the med-bay. I ignored the fact the Vehicons started staring at me.)

(But surprisingly, Dreadwing never caught me. I went looking for him after I got my breath back.)

(I found him webbed to the ceiling outside Airachnid's quarters, the spider-femme curiously looking him over with a gleam in her optics.)

(That's what he gets for me painting him to look like a moth, I suppose.)

_**Rule # 127: Lord Megatron loves 'Hunt You Down'; Starscream does not. (By inkdragon13)**_

(Yes, I enjoy torturing Starscream. Who doesn't, really?)

(Starscream had been sent on a scouting mission, which he completely and utterly botched. Somehow he managed to blow up the energon deposit and alert the Autobots, who had been miles away from his location before the explosion.)

(So as you can guess, Lord Megatron was not happy. He was about to beat the scrap out of the gray seeker when I decided that maybe, just maybe that much verbal abuse was enough Scremer abuse for one day. I put on 'Hunt You Down', both to appeal to Megatron's sadism without him hurting Starscream and at the same time satisfy my daily need to either irritate the gray seeker until he wants to kill me or do something to scare him senseless.)

(Starscream chose the scared senseless option.)

(Megzy, however, had an evil shark-toothed grin. He looked at me with what I took as approval and then told Soundwave to broadcast the song over the intercom - from the beginning.)

(Poor Starscream. Megatron made him stay on board for the whole song, five times over.)

_**Rule # 128: Yes, high heels are for women. No, Starscream does not need to be told that. (By T.D)**_

(Starscream viewed this as another 'femme' jibe. He quickly took me on a joyflight to Tokyo and transformed in midair, letting me fall a few hundred feet before catching me.)

(Then he decided that it was a fun game and did it again, over and over, all across Tokyo. And then in London. And in New York.)

(We were gone a full seventy-two hours, during which Starscream would ask me after he caught me every time, "Do my heel struts still make me a femme?")

(Even though I wanted nothing more than solid ground under my feet again, I was not going to let him win that easily. So I said they absolutely did.)

(Until he got annoyed and left me on a rooftop in New York. Finally I gave in and told him that his heels didn't make him a femme. There may or may not have been a few more _colorful_ words added in here or there.)

_**Rule # 129: While Unicron technically gave life to our planet - and to humans - it does not make us any more resilient than we actually are. (By Taboo22)**_

(Breakdown had a little mental... er, well, breakdown when it was discovered that the 'Anti-Creator' of his world gave life to mine. He wouldn't stop looking at me like I was going to kill him until Knock Out assured him that my body bore no traces of Dark Energon.)

(Airachnid decided that if the same being involved in the creation of Cybertronians was involved in the creation of humans, then we might be much more resilient, stronger, faster, etc. than most Decepticons thought.)

(She tested this theory by attacking me while I wasn't expecting it.)

(I'm not all that strong; I'm only a fast runner because I'm constantly running for my life; and I can only take so much punishment.)

(Airachnid found that her theory wasn't quite as sound as she thought, and ended up with a few new battle scars from when Knock Out was informed of what she did.)

_**Rule # 130: While Soundwave does have a visor that can display digital files, you may not use him as a TV. (By Undiscovered Poet)**_

(Soundwave will sic Ravage on you if you so much as hint that you want to use him as a TV.)

(If you say it, you better watch out for both birdies and kitties coming after you.)

(If you're so stupid as to try it, Laserbeak will chase after you with his blasters activated while Ravage is on your heels and the twins wait at the next corner with a rope and a bag.)

* * *

**AN: I figured out something while writing this chapter and rereading the rest of the rules - it's not funny if you're the one who writes it down. Not once do I laugh while I write a chapter or proofread it. It's kind of sad. But I do get happier when you let me know that you guys laughed.**

**Responses to Reviewers:**

**Inkdragon13: *has spent the hour following reading your review looking at pictures of Dreadwing and kawaii kittens while listening to 'Hunt You Down'* Brain: overloaded. Status: somewhere between *facepalm* and LOL.**

**T.D: Starscream will never get enough grief about those high-heels will he? Good, because I'll never get tired of giving it to him!**

**Brave kid: Alright. You caught the rubber ducky, did you? I hoped someone would.**

**Taboo22: Unicron = TFP Odin? Why does that make perfect sense to me? And yes, the 'cons would absolutely blow that out of proportion.**

**Wredan: I've done that - multiple times. No worries. And your ideas are always so much more realistic than what goes through my twisted imagination.**

**KithiaIsTheVillian: Cool pen name. Nice to see you got an account. Remember when you meet the Decepticons to always call Megzy Lord Megatron or he'll turn his fusion cannon on you! And I'm sure they'll be thankful you're not as mean as Shiloh.**

**16DarkMidnight80: Funny, but Shiloh's got it beat. The dumbest way to die is by teasing a certain Decepticon about his heels, which will make him try to shoot you.**

**Undiscovered Poet: Hmm, parts of that first suggestion got cut off. Could you maybe retype it?**

**Fanfickisara: ; ) Thankee! I do try.**

**Anonymous BW FG: KO's a psycho, but he has to be afraid of something (besides getting his finish scratched) so now he's afraid of the dark. Again, lazy works. Now to find Megzy's rubber ducky!**

**PixelusPrime: I swear, you **_**must **_**be trying to make me die laughing. That Valentines suggestion... Oh my. Don't worry 5T3V3 - who goes by Shiv in my stories - will get your letter. **

**CatGirlFireflare: Dreadwing I feel bad for. Shiloh, not so much. What goes around comes around, after all. And yes, DIE AIRACHNID. JUST DIE.**

**Elhini Prime: XD Slenderbot! *laughing her aft off* Okay, I'm good now. Yeah, the twins are glitches, and KO and Breaky are not always the nicest, but they really do like Shiloh. And I don't think anyone really likes Spiderbot.**

**Naughtia: Yep, now there's a way to keep her out of our way while we're doing stuff. Airachnid is scared of arachnids!**

**Next Chapter: General Rules**

**Quick question that actually has nothing to do with next chapter - Any specific characters ('bots, 'cons, maybe humans?) you want me to give a Valentines card/letter to for you? I'll make sure they know who sent it.**


	16. General Rules - IV

**For all of you that sent in Valentines cards/letters, check out Operation: Valentine to see how that worked out.**

* * *

_**Rule # 131: The **_**Nemesis**_** is not an alarm clock. (By Undiscovered Poet)**_

(Pretty much no one gets why I did this.)

(Maybe because I had been sleeping through early-morning briefings a lot? Maybe because I was sick of waking up to find my room a different color than it had been that night? Maybe because if I didn't get up on time, Dreadwing would assign me to rec-room duty where I'd spend all day struggling to move chips of the wall - and armor - out of the way?)

(Yeah, like I had no reason to get some help in waking up on time. Like tricking Shiv into having an alarm across the warship go off at seven in the morning every day was a bad idea.)

(And someone just had to rat me out and get me assigned to rec-room duty for a week, didn't they?)

(Frag you, Soundwave.)

_**Rule # 132: Do not try to remove Soundwave's visor. (By Undiscovered Poet)**_

(So essentially, you're not allowed to ask if Soundwave has a face, you're not allowed to ask what his face looks like, and you're not allowed to try to take off his visor. Any questions?)

(Fine; I'll tell you what happened. Soundwave's visor had been cracked earlier on and Knock Out had accidentally - more like on purpose - patched it with bad sealant. So Soundwave was in the medical bay for a few days.)

(When I walked in once while Knock Out was fixing the visor, I got the bright idea that if I could get the visor off, I could finally see his face.)

(I tried it. Two minutes later I had Ravage standing over me, looking like he was going to rip my head off.)

_**Rule # 133: Soundwave + Slenderman = What the heck were you thinking?! (By Undiscovered Poet)**_

(Well, just because the game was a bad idea, it didn't necessarily mean that showing Soundwave a picture of Slenderman and then calling him 'Slendermech' was one too. At least, not to me. Not at first.)

(I soon found out what the inside of the security vault looks like...)

_**Rule # 134: The paintjob is sacred. Do not change its color. (By Undiscovered Poet)**_

(Knock Out had almost scared me to death the day before and I was still mad at him.)

(Oh, he decided to take on the two-wheeler, the scout, and the Wrecker at the same time with no backup. Pit near gave Breakdown a spark attack when he stumbled through the GroundBridge, one of his arms pretty much severed.)

(I told KO if he scared me like that again, I'd paint him blue with pink polka-dots. As usual, he didn't take me seriously.)

(To prove just how serious I was, I did it anyway.)

(Had he not been in the middle of being repaired, he probably would've tried to kill me. But I still had the brilliance to tell him that the new colors looked good on him.)

(Breakdown then had _two_ patients to deal with.)

_**Rule # 135: The 'Rubber Duck Song' - you know how it goes? Well, it's not allowed. (By Anonymous BW FG)**_

(Megzy doesn't even like it when you mention the rubber duck. He will send Insecticons after you if you do.)

(Imagine the results when you play the above song while he has the rubber duck out.)

(I'll tell you what happened anyway.)

(I got to hang upside down in the interrogation room at the mercy of Airachnid and Starscream, who were both eager to pay me back for all the pranks I pulled and humiliation I caused.)

(No one was allowed to come rescue me until both Starscream and Airachnid were satisfied.)

_**Rule # 136: Field trips to the mall are discouraged, especially if they take place on Black Friday at midnight. (By PixelusPrime)**_

(What can I say? Frenzy, Rumble, and I needed the supplies. We were out of stuff to prank everyone, including each other, with.)

(Under normal circumstances, I'm allowed to go to the mall as long as it's with Knock Out, Breakdown, or some willing Vehicon. I can't go by myself - because KO doesn't want me to - and I can't go with anyone else.)

(It was Black Friday. I was bored out of my mind because all my spray paint was used up and I was out of other prank material. Rumble was upset because he'd run out of silly string. Frenzy was in a foul mood because I didn't have any spray paint he could steal and use on me.)

(We eventually decided to go to the mall, unaware of the date and of the time.)

(While we were in the mall, Rumble and Frenzy repeatedly tried to use their weapons on other customers - they were freaked out by the rabid mob of people - but they forgot it was impossible in holoform.)

(Once we got back, without our supplies, ironically enough, we found Knock Out and Soundwave waiting for us.)

(The twins were pretty much grounded. I was confined to my room until I could write a two-page essay on why it was a stupid idea to Bridge off the _Nemesis_ with Rumble and Frenzy by myself.)

_**Rule # 137: Craft stores in general are off-limits. (By PixelusPrime)**_

(We had some money to burn.)

(No, I don't know where the Decepticons got it, and to be quite honest, we're most likely better off not knowing.)

(Anyhow, the twins and I hadn't learned from the last time we Bridged somewhere together, so we went to a craft store to get some more prank material. Not only were our respective guardians miffed when they found out, but apparently the store owner thought having three teenagers - two of which had dyed hair, multiple piercings, and tattoos - in the store was a bad thing.)

(He called the cops on us.)

(We bolted. Quickly.)

(Unfortunately we had to spend a half-hour playing hide-and-go-seek with the cops, but we didn't get caught.)

(Well, not until we got back to the warship, at any rate.)

_**Rule # 138: Yarn-bombing Ravage's quarters will not go as planned. (By PixelusPrime)**_

(Not just any yarn-bombing, though. Colorful yarn-bombing. With multicolored string and lots of glittery yarn.)

(For a second Ravage looked confused. Then he went wild and jumped around the room, playing with different balls of yarn. He was chewing on a hot pink one when Soundwave walked in. Ravage froze in the middle of his playing. I waved guiltily from across the room.)

(Soundwave glanced down at Ravage, signaled for him to drop the yarn, and then pointed at me.)

(The next hour or two was spent with a game of cat and mouse, or more accurately, human and cybercat.)

_**Rule # 139: Mechanical mice are fun with furry cats, not metal ones. (By PixelusPrime)**_

(I had nothing to do with this. Seriously, I didn't.)

(Why are you looking at me like that? I didn't do it.)

(Okay, maybe I had something to do with the mechanical mice getting on the warship in the first place, but I didn't actually use them. It was Rumble, playing a good-natured prank on his fellow deployer.)

(All I'm going to say is that Soundwave found an arm and a leg in his quarters the next day, and they just so happened to be bluish-purple.)

_**Rule # 140: Kitties get catnip. Cybercats get high-grade. (By PixelusPrime)**_

(Just like with Screamer and his heels, I'll never get tired of messing with Ravage about him acting like a cat.)

(That particular day I had managed to find some catnip left over from when Uli was on the warship. It still smelled just as strong as the day I got it. So I hunted down Ravage and showed it to him, expecting a reaction similar to an Earth cat.)

(Ravage merely walked past me. Irritated, I followed him and showed it to him again. Ravage again walked past me. This process repeated until some random Vehicon explained that the Cybertronian equivalent to catnip/alcohol is high-grade energon, so the catnip wouldn't have any effect.)

(After thinking it over, I asked where I could find some high-grade.)

(The Vehicons exchanged worried glances.)

* * *

**AN: You'll notice there's no 'Responses to Reviewers' in this chapter. Truth be told, there's been so many reviews each chapter lately I can't exactly keep up anymore. I love all my reviewers and before I go on have something to say (or do, depending on which perspective you take) *hugs all reviewers, readers, and those who put this story on favorites and follow to death* YOU GUYS ARE EPIC! THIS STORY WOULD NOT EXIST WITHOUT YOU! *epiphany* What happened with the caps lock there? *eye twitch* Okay, spaz moment over. As much as I want to respond to everyone at the end of each chapter, I think that maybe it makes the author's notes a little too long, what with thirty-two - is that right? Let me check. Yes, yes it is - reviews on last chapter, the total would be somewhere around three hundred words if my calculations are correct.**

**Next Chapter: High-Grade Hijinks. **

**(I want to do more General Rules, but this idea refuses to leave me alone until I execute it. Rest assured, all of the suggestions for General Rules are saved on both my flash drive and on my laptop for later use.)**

**And guys, I shouldn't have to say this, but you know how some people are. Suggestions no higher than T. Please.**


	17. High-Grade Hijinks

_**Rule # 141: Don't spike anyone's energon. It won't end well. (By tankbuster626)**_

(Some explanation is needed before I actually tell what happened.)

(About ten months ago_,_ Rumble and I Bridged to Chicago early in the morning before anyone was awake to get some stuff. Something happened, and we got stuck there, and Rumble ended up stuck in his holoform with his body back on the warship. Three days into our little misadventure, Rumble spiked my coke. I don't know how he got it. And I'm not sure I want to. But here's the kicker - I have no tolerence for alcohol, so I passed out very quickly. Unfortunately, I passed out on top of Rumble, who decided just to let me sleep on him all night. When we got back, somehow word got out and no one would fragging let it go.)

(So I spiked Rumble's energon ration. Just to get him to understand how it feels. I didn't know at the time that someone - namely Frenzy - had spiked _my_ drink, as he was trying to play 'matchmaker' for me and Rumble.)

(Well, it turns out that Rumble has no tolerence for high-grade.)

(We both passed out in twenty minutes. Leaning on each other. In the middle of the rec-room. With numerous Vehicons watching.)

(The next day, the crew was talking about what happened and looking at me and Rumble. Dreadwing was even careful to assign us to the same patrols and make sure our schedules crossed as often as possible.)

(I _don't _like Rumble! I don't! There's no reason to pretend I do.)

(Stop looking at me like that! I don't like Rumble!)

_**Rule # 142: In conjunction to the above item, don't spike the energon rations in general. (By WingedWolfAlari)**_

(It was a bad week for the Decepticons. First Prime got a sword that looked like a lightsaber, then the Autobots got one of those stupid Omega Keys, etc., etc. So we were all in an off mood.)

(I tried to lighten the mood by switching the energon rations for high-grade.)

(And yes, I made sure not to give Rumble any.)

(There was a party later on that everyone attended, even Lord Megatron and Dreadwing. Rumble and I watched amusedly while everyone stumbled around, trying to maintain some dignity while still overcharged on high-grade.)

(And yet again we managed to fall asleep next to each other.)

(The next day I spent in the Brig. Lord Megatron had not been happy with me.)

_**Rule # 143: Don't let anyone try the green energon. (By WingedWolfAlari)**_

(I never did this, but I was warned several times not to give it to anyone by Knock Out. The stuff is called Synthetic Energon, and it causes Cybertronians to become irritable and disrespectful of authority but also enhances their speed and strength.)

(In a sense, not counting it's good properties, it makes one act like Starscream.)

(We've already got one of him; we don't need any more.)

_**Rule # 144: Just because footage of over-charged 'cons makes for good blackmail doesn't mean you should use it. (By WingedWolfAlari)**_

(You already know what happens when you switch the energon rations for high-grade. I just may have forgotten to mention that Rumble recorded the whole thing before he drifted into recharge.)

(Particularly amusing was Starscream and Shiv - ahem - _interacting. _It also made for some awesome blackmail.)

(But Starscream didn't let us use it. Instead, he reminded us why it was a bad idea to record everything we saw.)

(Knock Out was tempted to leave us the way he found us afterwards.)

_**Rule # 145: The miners aren't allowed to have high-grade right before their shift. (By Taboo22)**_

(Does this really require an explanation? Give the miners high-grade right before they go into the mines, and something will explode. It's not a question of if; rather, of when and how many casualties there will be.)

(The miners work with machinery bigger than they are, for Primus sake! They need to be as focused as they possibly can be while they're working. Not to mention unrefined energon is highly explosive and will detonate at even the slightest spark. Or that they're constantly being pushed by Lord Megatron, Starscream, and/or the Autobots - to a certain extent - to work faster and get the energon to the warship without incident.)

(It's a stressful job, people. They don't need to be overcharged _and _exhausted.)

_**Rule # 146: **__**Don't play musicals while anyone's drinking high-grade. (By Randall Boggs)**_

(They will attempt to act them out.)

(The song 'Singing in the Rain,' for example. And the movie Hairspray. And Mama Mia, for some odd reason.)

(Sometimes I can't believe I live with these guys. They're crazier than I am.)

_**Rule # 147: While hilarious in the end, letting the crew play Energon Pong will no longer be fun after a while. (By Pixelus Prime)**_

(It's fun until a commanding officer walks up and demands to know why you're not doing your job. Then it just gets boring.)

(Lord Megatron, unsurprisingly, is excellent at holding his high-grade. He was still going strong once all the other players had fallen. Literally. Starscream then came up and, once it was explained what was going on, challenged Megatron.)

(Turns out he can hold his high-grade well, too.)

(It was fun to watch them go at it for a while. It got boring after the fourth round.)

(On the seventeenth round, we ran out of high-grade. And there still wasn't a winner.)

(For five minutes, they were okay.)

(Then they crashed and woke up the next morning in the medical bay with hangovers worthy of Unicron himself.)

_**Rule # 148: Yes, Seekers can hold their high-grade well. No, they should not fly right after drinking it. (By PixelusPrime)**_

(Following the hangovers worthy of Unicron himself, it took a while for our high-grade stores to be replenished. When they were, the lock was made impossible for anyone but high-ranking officers - Breakdown, Knock Out, Airachnid, Soundwave, Starscream, Dreadwing, and Lord Megatron - to get into.)

(One day Starscream and Dreadwing had a contest to see how long it would take for either of them to crash after drinking concentrated high-grade.)

(I guess they were having another of those 'contests' that were really Starscream's attempts at getting Lord Megatron to realize he's the better First Lieutenant.)

(Well, neither of them crashed, so Screamer went out for a flight to calm down.)

(There were reports all over the news about a jet with no pilot crash-landing in Brazil for a couple of days before we finally managed to get Starscream back.)

_**Rule # 149: The fallout from mixing fuel for cars and jets sounds cool, but Knock Out will not be amused. (By PixelusPrime)**_

(I was trying to explain what a bar was, and eventually resorted to playing bartender with the 'cons. For some strange reason, their favorite drink was gasoline mixed with jet fuel and energon.)

(Unlike high-grade, the mix merely made them tipsy. But then it froze the grounders' engines and made the flyers go wacko. Trust me, crazy Vehicons are not Vehicons you want to be around in any situation.)

(When Knock Out saw one of the wacko flyers, he immediately assumed I had something to do with it and shut down my makeshift 'bar.')

(Why is it that whenever something goes wrong, everyone assumes I did it?)

(Since I did indeed cause the incident, Knock Out made me help him fix the affected Vehicons. But other than correcting me when I did something wrong, he didn't speak to me at all.)

(He didn't speak to me for a week.)

(And he ignored me when I tried to talk to him.)

(And snapped at Breakdown when he asked what was wrong.)

(Having Knock Out refuse to speak to me was a worse punishment than being tortured by Starscream and Airachnid or being stuck in the Brig with the twins.)

_**Rule # 150: Decepticons in hula skirts: seriously not funny. (By KithiaIsTheVillan)**_

(Yes, I am a Native Hawaiian. Yes, I'm proud of where I come from. Yes, I enjoy the traditions. But no, overcharged Decepticons wearing hula skirts and attempting - and failing miserably at - to dance the hula is not funny.)

(It's just not.)

(I always hated being forced to dance, and I said I was never going to dance again, but _come on,_ a two-year-old could have done better than them. My _cousin,_ who has never danced in his life, could have done better than them.)

(And to make it even more humiliating, someone asked me to show them 'how it's done.')

(Really, guys? Really? Remember what happened with the flash mob? And Thriller? Is that really a good idea?)

(How did it turn out? Oh, that's an easy one. Breakdown knocked them all out so I would quit bugging him to get them to stop bugging me.)

**AN: If this chapter's not as funny as the last, I'm sorry. I've been feeling kinda depressed lately and my Transformers muse refuses to cooperate with me.**

**Next Chapter: General Rules**


	18. General Rules V

_**Rule # 151: There are two types of warheads; make sure you know which kind everyone is thinking of before acting. (By PixelusPrime)**_

(First off, there are the candy warheads - you know, the really sour ones? And then there are actual warheads, as in the things that explode.)

(Yeah, Decepticons don't know what that first one is, so be sure to explain.)

(Or else they might actually try to eat one of the exploding warheads.)

(I found this out the hard way.)

(I still kind of miss Kickback, even if he was an Insecticon...)

_**Rule # 152: **__**The 'Chicken Song 9' is not to be played more than twice in a row. (By loki love) **_

(What can I say? I was bored. I was so bored, I was _beyond _bored. Boredom could not hold a _candle_ to what I was feeling. Rumble was doing something he refused to tell me about, Frenzy was on Recon, and the rest of the crew was wrapped up in the 'Omega Keys' fiasco.)

(I wanted - No, I needed attention. Everyone was acting like I didn't exist, or otherwise didn't need to be noticed. Even Knock Out was ignoring me.)

(How could they ignore me?)

(To get the attention I needed, I put on the most annoying song I could think of that wasn't already banned. Hence this rule.)

(Playing it once is barely tolerable; twice, anger-inducing; any more than that, and you're in big trouble.)

(Is it bad that I was happy when Dreadwing stuck me in the Brig for playing the song three times?)

_**Rule # 153: Do not, under any circumstances, mention sparkling pictures. (By inkdragon13)**_

(I had the crazy idea that when Lord Megatron was a sparkling, he was adorable, not evil. When I explained to Soundwave - who is a really good listener - he appeared to take a pause for thought.)

(The next day, Soundwave sought me out and displayed a digital file of Megzy as a sparkling. And I was right - he was adorable!)

(Between my 'Aww-ing' and Soundwave's switching between pictures of the Lord of the Decepticons, I didn't notice Lord Megatron approaching from behind me.)

(Fail. Just fail.)

(Megzy didn't buy the whole, "I wanted to know the history!" routine.)

(Four day recon mission with Airachnid and Starscream in France. No Vehicons, just me and the two Decepticons who try almost daily to end my life.)

_**Rule # 154: Threatening to neuter Ravage will not end well. (By inkdragon13)**_

(I didn't actually say I was going to neuter him. I said I was going to _murder_ him. But since I couldn't talk too well after being dragged around by the Decepticon insignia choker Lord Megatron made it mandatory for me to wear - something about making sure people knew I was Decepticon property? - all day by Ravage, my statement was misinterpreted.)

(I still can't believe that's what they thought I said. And by 'they,' I mean the twins.)

(One time I was _glad_ Soundwave records everything that happens on the _Nemesis.)_

_**Rule # 155: If you must play **__**Transformers: the Game, be sure only to play on the Decepticon Campaign. (By inkdragon13)**_

(I had nothing to do and Frenzy had rented - more likely stolen - a copy of Transformers: the Game. So after five minutes of weighing the merits and benefits of pulling a prank on Starscream to those of playing the game, I chose to play the game.)

(A wise choice... at first.)

(I started playing on the Autobot Campaign and soon got bored with shooting Decepticons. But when I tried to switch sides, it wouldn't let me.)

(In fact, the game froze when I tried. It was at that point I seriously considered dropping the controller and pranking Screamer anyway.)

(Because I didn't want to risk my life for the second time that day - don't ask, please - I kept playing the Autobot campaign.)

(Dreadwing walked in a few minutes later, demanding to know what I'd done and why I was hiding in the control room. When he saw I was playing a game, he then demanded to know what I was doing.)

(Somebody - seriously, somebody just kill me now. I answered with the first thing that popped into my head, which happened to be, "Killin' Megatron.")

(Primus, somebody shoot me. It would almost be a mercy.)

(Lord Megatron didn't throw me in the Brig. Instead I wound up wishing I _had_ pranked Starscream. Hardshell is fragging terrifying when under orders to torture with extreme prejudice.)

_**Rule # 156: **__**Do not invite fangirls over for a sleepover. (By Corona Pax)**_

(They drove me crazy. They drove the crew crazy.)

(I don't know why I invited them over for a sleepover in the first place.)

(What happened was, they started talking about how 'hot and sexy' Knock Out is. I had seen this a thousand times online, so this I could put up with. Then they started talking about Breakdown and his hammer. Never before had hammer time grown so old. Then it was "Damn, those heels!" with Starscream. Then 'Slendermech' for Soundwave. Fangirls sure are masters of the obvious. And 'Bucket-head' for Megzy.)

(But what really got me is, "Rumble looks so adorable in this form!" and, "Have you seen anything even close to that adorable?")

(That irritated me. The one thing Rumble is not is adorable. He's annoying, rude, disrespectful, and immature... But he's also pretty sweet. And he's cute, not adorable.)

(No, I was not jealous! What makes you think that?)

_**Rule # 157: Stay off the mining equipment. (By Wredan)**_

(You are tiny compared to Decepticons. Compared to the mining equipment, you're a slagging _insect._ Don't get on the stupid equipment.)

(I can barely use the controls on the _Nemesis._ The controls on the drilling machine are twice that big.)

(I don't know how Darby managed to use it when he, the two-wheeler, the Wrecker, the Exchange Student, Megatron, and Starscream were trapped together in the energon mine.)

(The result of trying to duplicate that feat - massive explosion.)

(Hello, medical bay.)

_**Rule # 158: **__**Any song with ridiculous and/or nonsensical lyrics is banned. (By Anonymous BW FG)**_

('Boom De Yada' and 'Beans in my Ears' being two examples of songs in this category.)

_(Everyone_ gets annoyed with those songs after a few times of listening to them.)

(Including me.)

(Soundwave got annoyed and ended up hanging me by my foot in the rec-room. He also tied my hands behind my back and programmed my IPod - a new one Knock Out got after the Song that Never Ends incident - to play 'Boom De Yada' for six hours.)

(Rumble and Frenzy came to watch. Frenzy was laughing his head off. Rumble was saying "I'm sorry" over and over again while he was laughing his head off.)

(By the time the six hours were up, I was near tears because the song made absolutely no sense. Also, I was hanging upside down for six hours, so I couldn't think straight at all.)

_**Rule # 159: Zombie games are fun as long as you don't play with the Wrecker. (By **__**Anonymous BW FG)**_

(I had been captured by the Autobots because Starscream deliberately left me on the battlefield after calling retreat. KO was not happy with Screamer when he found out.)

(But as to why I was playing video games with the Wrecker... I made a bet with the Exchange Student that I could beat her at her favorite game. I did win that bet, though she maintains I cheated. Then she said that the Wrecker would definitely beat me.)

(After the fourth round of playing the Zombie game, neither one of us had won.)

(I was ready to call it quits, but the Wrecker insisted we keep playing.)

(Finally I said I was going to relax away from the Autobots and left while we were in the middle of a round.)

(Video games had suddenly gotten boring.)

_**Rule # 160: 'Roll Out' better fits the Autobots. Ergo, Lord Megatron will not tolerate any playing of the song on the warship. (By KithiaIsTheVillan)**_

(Most of the Decepticons are flyers - only a quarter of the Vehicons have land-based vehicle modes - so most of them do not 'Roll Out' per se.)

(But I thought it would be funny for those that could roll out to do it to a song of the same title.)

(Yeah, Lord Megatron didn't find it funny.)

(I had quite a bit of fun redecorating the cell in the Brig with my name engraved on the door.)

(I've spent at least three hundred hours in there so far. And the total keeps climbing.)

* * *

**AN: Still kind of depressed, but feeling a little better.**

**The next two or three chapters are General Rules, but so I'm ahead, the next theme set of rules is - So You Had a Bad Day.**


	19. General Rules - VI

_**Rule # 161: Posting fanart across the **_**Nemesis**_** while no one is around may seem like a good idea, but it's really not. (By **__**PaDiYaFLAME)**_

(Correction: Bombshell was around when I did this, but he's not the brightest Vehicon, so it doesn't really count.)

(Well, the fanart I posted across the warship consoles was quite _compromising_ for several of the higher-ups.)

(Particularly Megatron and Starscream.)

(Ahem. When everyone got back, it only took ten minutes for them to notice what I'd done. And man were they angry.)

(Side note: the Brig has officially been dubbed, 'Shiloh's Second Home' by Frenzy. Apparently I spend too much time in there.)

_**Rule # 162: Always stock up on food and other supplies at the beginning of the month. (By **__**LlamaLover121)**_

(The 'cons refuse to go more than once a month for supplies. Well, all the 'cons except for Rumble and Frenzy, but they only like to go for pranking supplies.)

(Something that also might help with the whole who to take on shopping trips...)

(Knock Out insists on buying me new clothes, even when we're getting food. Breakdown spends all his time in the tools section, and doesn't like helping me carry the bags. Starscream took me once because KO threatened to take a blowtorch to his wing if he didn't. He sulked the entire time and drew a lot of attention to himself because of his high-heels.)

(Yes, even in holoform, Screamer wears stilettos.)

(Anyway, the one time I went with Soundwave wasn't so bad, but he's still creepy because even in holoform, he hides his face. The Vehicons are good companions for shopping trips so long as they don't see any vehicles that look like Autobots.)

(But never - I mean _never_ - go to a grocery store or clothing store with the twins.)

(I'm banned from several malls and shopping centers because of them.)

_**Rule # 163: The Iron Man trilogy and Avengers movie are discouraged, but not banned. (By **__**DragonRiderWarrior)**_

(We both know it's Tony STARK, but the Decepticons automatically assume it's Tony SPARK.)

(And then they wonder why a human has a spark in a capsule inside his chest.)

(I tried seven times over to explain it was an ARC Reactor he needed to keep himself alive.)

(When they wouldn't listen to me, I decided not to let then watch Iron Man or the Avengers again.)

(Actually, the last straw was when I saw Knock Out drawing up designs for putting a Cybertronian spark in a human body.)

(I'm starting to think my guardian _might_ be just a bit crazy.)

_**Rule # 164: Facebook - a good idea for humans; for giant alien robots, not so much. (By PixelusPrime)**_

(What? The last time I was captured by the Autobots, I noticed Darby and Rafael setting up Facebook accounts for all the Autobots. Even Prime and the medic.)

(So after Knock Out traded a relic - relax, it was actually a fake - in exchange for me and we returned to the warship, I got Rumble to help me set up accounts for the commanding officers, him, and Frenzy. Somehow he managed to convince me to get an account, too.)

(The first posts of all the officers were pretty funny.)

Lord Megatron's: _Bow to me, fleshlings! I will rule this planet or destroy it trying!_

Starscream's: _Don't listen to him. _I_ will rule this planet._

Dreadwing's: _Over my sparkless chassis._

Airachnid's: _That can be arranged._

Knock Out's: _Just had my finish waxed. And I must say, I'm lookin' _fine!

Breakdown's: _Of course you are, Doc._

Soundwave's: _Knock Out and Breakdown: Have successfully changed the subject._

(Well, the Autobots soon found out who the 'cons were on the site and immediately started to harass them.)

(... You know, in hindsight, maybe their usernames were dead giveaways.)

(No, I don't really want to tell what their usernames were. Just know they were totally obvious.)

(As I was saying, the Autobots - mostly the rookie and the scout - started harassing the 'cons. It escalated to the point where the war extended to the games on Facebook and everyone, I mean _everyone,_ was involved.)

(Didn't take long after that for Megatron to order all the Decepticons' accounts deactivated, "effective immediately.")

_**Rule # 165: In conjunction to Item 164, Twitter is also an extremely bad idea. (By PixelusPrime)**_

(This one was mostly me and Rumble's fault. We made accounts on Twitter for everyone after Facebook didn't work out. Wisely, the commanding officers declined to use theirs.)

(Me and Rumble... weren't so smart.)

(Yeah, the first post from Rumble?)

_Woke up in the rec-room handcuffed to Shiloh. Frenzy's a dead mech, 'cause this is not what I wanted to do today. Also, FML._

(And my reply?)

_Y'know, being cuffed to you ain't no picnic either. YDI._

(This discussion went on for several hours until that Exchange Student logged on to her account and got to the Tweet where I said I was never speaking to Rumble again.)

_Primus, just kiss and make up already!_

(Yeah, I'm gonna strangle her next time I get caught by the Autobots.)

_**Rule # 166: Pandora is not to be used on Soundwave. (By Undiscovered Poet)**_

(I was bored. Again. And Soundwave was in the immediate vicinity.)

(... Let's just say Soundwave is very creative when it comes to punishments.)

_**Rule # 167: No car fresheners. It will ultimately backfire. (By tankbuster626)**_

(Those things make the grounder Vehicons the Cybertronian equivalent of high. And crazy. And, in Revv's case, extremely annoying.)

(I was coming out of a store one day when I saw a bunch of car fresheners on sale. I had to buy them for the grounders.)

(Obviously.)

(So I bought as many of them as I had the extra money for.)

(Which was quite a lot of them, actually.)

(But I soon regretted it. Revv talked my head off all the way back, and wouldn't stop talking about how nice the 'Little Green Tree' smelled really nice.)

(I was this close to asking Knock Out to deactivate his vocorder.)

_(This_ close.)

_**Rule # 168: While Airachnid is indeed afraid of arachnids, it is not wise to put multiple spiders in her quarters. (By tankbuster626)**_

(She will retaliate by going at you through your phobia. Water is mine, if you recall.)

(She rigged the sprinkler system in my room to go off while I sleeping.)

(The screaming and crying that followed was apparently loud enough to wake up the twins and KO.)

(Rumble comforted me and calmed me down while Frenzy and Knock Out went to get Airachnid back after waking Breakdown to help.)

(I cannot describe in words how much I loved those four right then.)

(What? You want to know where I got the spiders?)

(That's for me to know and you to wonder about, my friend. Just hope you don't annoy me any time soon.)

_**Rule # 169: Don't switch Breakdown's hammer for a rubber one if you value your life. (By tankbuster626)**_

(Lousiest game of chase ever.)

(Breakdown's not a fast runner, but he's still faster than me.)

(Knock Out almost refused to set my broken arm. Almost.)

_**Rule # 170: Soundwave doesn't talk; leave him alone about it. (By Guest)**_

(Lousy day, nothing to do, wondering about Soundwave's face but smart enough to leave it alone.)

(Not smart enough to leave our resident ninja's secrets well enough alone.)

(It took Knock Out three days to figure out where in the _Nemesis_ Ravage was holding me hostage.)

(And then a good twelve hours to get me back.)

(Soundwave and his deployers are afts. Well, Rumble's okay, I guess.)

* * *

**AN: Thanks to all of you. It's uplifting that you want me to feel better. And yet, despite being pretty okay last week, now I just don't feel like smiling or laughing at all. But nevertheless, this story demands to be written.**

**Next Chapter: General Rules**


	20. General Rules - VII

**AN: Guess who's back and better than ever, baby?! Dusk is, that's who! As you can see - or read, whatever - I'm no longer depressed. Whoo~!**

**Okay, got that out of my system. Now for the calmer version. I realized that I was helping nobody by being depressed and that my work in school and on FanFiction was becoming substandard. The thought of substandard work... *shudders* is terrifying for a perfectionist like myself. That snapped me out of depression very quickly. Also helps my family and friends teamed up to make me happy. :)**

* * *

_**Rule # 171: Waxing the floor is acceptable. Using Knock Out's wax to do it, however, is not. (By tankbuster626)**_

(Oh, Primus, this was so fun to watch. But it was totally not cool.)

(Well, not everything that goes wrong or gets messed with is necessarily _my_ fault, you know. It was only two years ago I actually pulled my first prank. I've been with the Decepticons for four.)

(I would never mess with KO's wax. I might mess with his paint for kicks and giggles, but I respect the wax.)

(But back to the rule. It was an early morning and I was walking to check up on Breakdown after he got ripped apart by a certain spider glitch and we salvaged his body and put him back together. Thank Primus his spark was still intact. Anyways, I was carrying a cup of coffee since it was, like, five in the morning and I am a terror without my coffee.)

(Once I reached the hall leading up to the med-bay I found out why Frenzy and Rumble had requested cleaning duty the previous day.)

(Hot coffee is a _great_ thing to have spilled all over you when you're barely awake.)

(That was sarcasm, if you couldn't tell. It burned me pretty badly.)

(When Knock Out came running to see what was wrong, he tripped, slid across the floor, and would've crushed me had the twins not come to my rescue.)

(Brilliant idea, guys. Stealing Knock Out's wax and waxing the floor with it so no one can stand up is _totally_ something Lord Megatron would condone.)

(Yes, that was sarcasm, too.)

_**Rule # 172: Do not replace Airachnid's webbing with silly string. (By tankbuster626)**_

(I was angry at Airachnid for rejecting Breakdown one time too many. Sure, the guy's desperate, but he's such a softie at spark. The poor 'con was almost crying the last time she told him no.)

(I got Knock Out - yes, he cares for Breaky enough he's willing to pull a prank with me - to help. He commed for Airachnid to come down for a routine diagnostic. Then when she did, he pretended that there was something seriously wrong with her systems and put her into stasis.)

(While she was unable to stop us, Knock Out removed her webbing and let me replace it with a huge reservoir of silly string.)

(An hour later the medical bay was covered in silly string, Airachnid had me pinned against the wall with one of her extra legs, and Knock Out was shrieking about the aforementioned silly string getting stuck in his gears.)

(Breakdown walked in during the middle of all this.)

(And promptly walked out.)

(Aft. He could have at least helped us.)

_**Rule # 173: Do not chance the destination of a GroundBridge while someone is using it. (By tankbuster626)**_

(I felt so sorry for the Vehicon I did this to.)

(... He was a grounder.)

(I entered random coordinates as he was trying to bridge to the Everglades. Something about a low-frequency locator beacon?)

(The Vehicon ended up in the middle of the Dead Sea. We couldn't rescue him.)

(So sorry, random grounder Vehicon. I made sure to carve a little note about you into the wall of my room.)

_**Rule # 174: There is almost nothing Breakdown enjoys more than recharging. Do not paint him while he is doing so. (By tankbuster626)**_

(Breaky was practically begging for it. He fell asleep next to where Knock Out keeps his paints and stuff for touching up his finish.)

(After five minutes of an internal battle that the wrong side won, I asked KO, "Shouldn't your partner look as fabulous as you do?" It took the doc a moment to figure out what I meant, but he enthusiastically agreed and we set to work.)

(You have no idea how awesome Breakdown looks in purple.)

(No, that's not an invitation to paint him so you can find out if it's true.)

(He's got that hammer for a reason, if you know what I mean...)

_**Rule # 175: Any of the Transformers series are not allowed to be played on the **_**Nemesis. **_**(By tankbuster626)**_

(There are specific reasons different series are banned. Allow me to list them.)

(G1 is banned because I've made too many jokes to Soundwave about, "Hey, the Eighties called; they want their tech back!")

(Beast Wars is banned because of Barney Megatron. Just pretend I didn't say that.)

(Armada is banned because it showcases a human-loving, not-so-evil Starscream. Also because his death made me tear up, it was so bittersweet. That Alexis girl really loved Starscream, even if he was a Decepticon.)

(Energon is banned because of that wacko Cyclonus/Snow Cat. He scared Shiv.)

(Cybertron is banned because the crew got tired of the concept of Minicons.)

(Robots in Disguise is banned because Side Burn and his obsession with red sports cars terrified Knock Out enough that he wouldn't come out of his quarters for a week. Breakdown was mad at me, and I was extremely sorry.)

(Animated is banned because the Starscream clones make Screamer nostalgic for his fellow Seekers who may or may not be actually related to him.)

(Rescue Bots is banned because there are no Decepticons featured. Nuff said.)

_**Rule # 176: Most Decepticons already have holoforms, so there is no need to look them up on Deviantart. (By Sunstreaker's Squishy)**_

(I really needed some human interaction, okay? The 'cons are great and all, but when you're the only human around for as long as I've been here, you start to miss all those annoying people you grew up with. Like Vince, for example. Nah, I'm kidding; Vince was a great friend.)

(Anyhow, it got so bad I was reduced to looking up pictures of fans' interpretations of humanized Decepticons on Deviantart. Is it wrong I thought some of said interpretations were - and _please_ don't tell Knock Out I said this - hot? It was bad enough when Frost looked over my shoulder and told the entire crew what I was looking at.)

(Primus! Can't my business just stay my business for once?!)

(Well, Knock Out, being my guardian, understood why I was looking at the pictures and took me out for a drive and to a car show. I had a good time, even if we got kicked out after Knock Out knocked out - no pun intended - some guy who tried to flirt with me. Damn possessive guardian. And when we returned to the _Nemesis,_ we found out that Breakdown, Starscream, and Soundwave had upgraded their holoforms to better fit the fans' interpretations I had accidentally left up on the screen.)

(Breaky bear-hugged me in holoform and offered to make sure no one tried to do anything to me while I slept. This lead to Knock Out grabbing me with his holoform and practically snarling "Mine!" at his partner.)

(It's not as bad as it sounds, honest! It was only a misunderstanding of how the guardian thing is supposed to work. The Autobots get the whole 'Friends and Partners' part of it. The only aspect Knock Out fully understands is the 'Mine' one.)

(Well, Breakdown ended up spending the night in my room in holoform, though Knock Out wasn't happy and insisted on staying in there too.)

(I didn't know whether to feel loved or creeped out.)

(Onto what Soundwave and Starscream did with their upgraded holoforms...)

(Soundwave watched me while I was fooling around with the twins. He only watched when it was me and Frenzy or me and both of the twins. But when it was just me and Rumble, he'd step in between us and drag me off to some remote corner of the ship.)

(Starscream decided it would be funny to test out some pick-up lines he found on the internet on me. I ignored him for a while, mostly because Knock Out would try to tear Screamer to pieces if he thought I was even the slightest bit interested. Then at one point, when he asked if I wanted to go on a flight alone with him, I decided to see what he'd do if I replied, "Sure, what time?" His expression was priceless. He was only teasing me, and Knock Out, of course. I don't think he expected me to respond like that. And Knock Out's expression was priceless, too. But I didn't get to enjoy any of it because KO immediately locked me in my room with his and Breaky's holoforms. They were both very angry at me for daring to even tease Starscream back like that.)

(Since then, I've learned to live without too much human interaction. I never want to go through that again.)

_**Rule # 177: **__**Troll-lo-lo-lo-lo. It's not even funny once. (By NothingSoSpecial)**_

(Rumble, Frenzy, and I hadn't trolled anyone before, so we needed to do it to see if it was worth doing more than once.)

(Dumbly, the 'con we chose to do it to was Bucket-head himself.)

(Rumble and Frenzy now have cells with their names carved into the doors, too.)

_**Rule # 178: Guess what! Don't believe everything you see, especially if your source is a video game. (By WingedWolfAlari)**_

(I had just finished Transformers Prime: the Game and started to wonder if there really was an asteroid made entirely out of Dark Energon and a giant Decepticon named Thunderwing trapped inside it. So I consulted Lord Megatron about it.)

(He was unsure, but asked Soundwave to check his records anyways. It turned out there was nothing in the database about such a thing.)

(I muttered something about the fact it would have been a huge asset for the Decepticon cause and probably would have brought us that much closer to snuffing Prime's spark along with the rest of the Autobots.)

(Megatron picked me up rather gently, ruffled my hair with the tip of one of his digits, and set me back down. It was the first time he had ever touched me that wasn't to yell at me or hadn't ended up in a visit to the medical bay.)

(I _really_ need to ask Knock Out - anyone, for that matter - why Lord Megatron did that. The information I brought to his attention was completely wrong.)

(Last time I ever trust a video game.)

_**Rule # 179: Silas and MECH have a special place in the Decepticon history since coming to Earth, more for Breakdown than anyone else. Try to remember it. (By WingedWolfAlari)**_

(First it was when Breakdown got his optic ripped out. Then it was when Airachnid teamed up with them to go after the two-wheeler. Then it was when they stole Screamer's T-cog in the short while our favorite stiletto-heeled Seeker went rogue. Then it was when they tried to steal Breakdown's body after Airachnid - may she be found and eaten by scraplets - tore him to pieces. Luckily, as I said before, we were able to gather all his parts and put him back together because his spark was still intact.)

(As for my feelings towards MECH in general... The Pit for all of 'em, but Silas gets torture by way of Knock Out.)

(Nobody, I mean nobody, lays a _finger_ on Patchy and gets away with it.)

(So if I ever meet Silas... he better be prepared to get beat by a girl.)

_**Rule # 180: The Harlem Shake is allowed, but only one time. (By WingedWolfAlari and inkdragon13)**_

(I saw a video of this on Youtube and immediately thought the 'cons should do one. So I gathered enough Vehicons to participate alongside Knock Out, Breakdown, Rumble, and Frenzy while I directed and Soundwave recorded it.)

(It was fun to watch, fun to direct, and according to Knock Out, fun to be in.)

(But the word 'fun' is not exactly in Lord Megatron's vocabulary.)

(Knock Out was confined to the medical bay, Breakdown was assigned to assist the miners down on the surface for two weeks, Rumble and Frenzy were essentially on house-arrest in their quarters, the Vehicons that participated got a severe dressing-down and a few nasty wounds as punishment, Soundwave got a figurative slap on the wrist for participating, and I got rec-room duty for two months _and_ brig time.)

(Yeah, real fair punishments there, Megzy.)

* * *

**AN: To get some ideas for Rule 176, I actually went on Deviantart and looked up humanized versions of the TFP 'cons. Well, all of them except for Megatron, Airachnid, Hardshell, and the Vehicons. My favorite artist for any humanized transformers no matter the generation is Lecidre, who also has a FF account.**

**Speaking of Rule 176, it's probably the longest one to date.**


	21. So You Had a Bad Day

_**Rule # 181: Having a bad day is no excuse for complaining about your quarters. (By PixelusPrime)**_

(There's actually nothing wrong with my quarters. I quite like it, in fact.)

(I was just not in the mood to do anything that day. Anything except nitpick at the slightest detail that seemed even a micron off.)

(Megatron gave me a choice: shut up or wind up in the med-bay.)

(I wisely chose to shut up.)

_**Rule # 182: Following item 181, it is also no excuse for complaining about the food. (By PixelusPrime)**_

(The one thing I can cook well - not to say I'm necessarily _horrible_ at cooking in general; I'm just not good at it - is fish. My lack of cooking skills doesn't bother me, though, because I actually enjoy eating the one thing I can cook. Kidding, I love it.)

(What? You didn't expect me to like fish? Come on, Islander here.)

(Anyways, I was having a pretty bad day, and even though I don't like to eat when I'm upset, I really wanted some of that Mahi-mahi I'd bought on my last shopping trip.)

(Apparently I'm also not too attentive when I'm upset. I burned the Mahi-mahi to the point where it wasn't even edible.)

(Finally giving up on eating, I left the little make-shift kitchen next to my room. While I was sulking about my ruined meal, I almost walked straight into Dreadwing, who wanted to know what was wrong.)

"I burned my fish, you stupid lapdog! This is the worst day ever!"

(The berating that followed on what qualified as the worst day ever sent me running to my room, wondering whether just a little ice cream from the freezer would make me feel better - regardless of the fact that I wasn't hungry.)

(It didn't.)

_**Rule # 183: Although your day may have been horrible, don't make a fuss about having to work. (By PixelusPrime)**_

(Working is often the last thing on my mind when my day takes a turn for the worse. Most of the time, I don't even want to leave my room. But then again, if I don't get up before anyone starts looking for me, a certain communications officer sends our resident kittycon to wake me up.)

(And by 'wake me up,' I mean he sends Ravage to drag me out of my room.)

(Anyways, some idiot - could've been Dreadwing, could've been Starscream - put me and Rumble on the same recon mission in the Great Dismal Swamp. I don't know why we were on recon in a swamp. Too much water. And too many bugs.)

(I finally got fed up with having to work and climbed a tree and refused to come down. Breakdown, who had also been assigned to the recon mission, told me that if I didn't come down within two minutes, he was going to knock the tree down. I smugly told him he couldn't do that because the Great Dismal Swamp is a wildlife reserve and is protected by law.)

(Forgot that Decepticons don't abide by Earth laws.)

(He knocked the tree down anyway.)

(When I then refused to get going - because at that point I was just miffed that I still had to do the recon mission - Rumble dragged me along. He literally dragged me. I had to throw away that outfit, it got so muddy.)

(Upon returning to the _Nemesis,_ I proceeded to complain about working. That earned me a few glares and a lecture from Dreadwing.)

(Not to mention four hours in the Brig to set me straight.)

_**Rule # 184: In conjunction to the above, don't make a fuss about your 'pay.' (By PixelusPrime)**_

(None of the 'cons get paid and they don't complain about it. To be honest, I'm not sure if they know what it means to be paid.)

(Megatron knows, though.)

(And he will not tolerate any complaints in regards to this subject.)

_**Rule # 185: However bad your day was, don't even mention the average morale level of the crew. (By PixelusPrime)**_

(Face it, the crew's morale sucks. At first it may seem like they're all, "Whoo, we're going to crush the Autobots beneath our pedes!" but they're really thinking that if six Autobots have managed to hold the entire Decepticon army off for years, they're probably going to lose in the long run.)

(I know this; as of this moment, you know this; Pit, even Lord Megatron knows this! But never mention how low morale runs to anyone.)

(It will find its way up the chain of command and you will find out exactly how the Insecticons deal with low morale firsthand.)

(Here's a hint: they destroy anything/anyone in their way.)

_**Rule # 186: It may make an otherwise bad day better, but you're not allowed to hum to, listen to, or mention variants/originals of banned songs. (By PixelusPrime)**_

(Boredom kills, okay? When coupled with a bad day, it's a million times worse.)

(The one thing I thought would make me feel better was listening to some music.)

(Unfortunately, Frenzy had stolen my iPod earlier that week and returned it with some changes I had yet to find out about.)

(All of my playlists were gone. All of them.)

(The only thing on there was a playlist composed of all the songs that were explicitly banned.)

(I put up with the music, and it did make me feel slightly better. However, most of the crew was not quite as pleased with my song choices.)

"Hey, Knock Out. I know what you're thinking, and no, you _really_ don't want to know why I'm hanging by my foot from the ceiling."

_**Rule # 187: Though it is funny that Breakdown starts sniffling at the song 'Bad Day,' you may not play it in his immediate vicinity. (By Sorcelle Dragonmoon)**_

(Knock Out made him watch American Idol several times, and before you knew it, Breaky was hooked. Every week, the same stupid show with the same stupid plot with the same stupid song that played every time a contestant got eliminated.)

(To get him to stop watching that show, I followed him around playing 'Bad Day' for around four hours.)

(I realized too late that the song plays with Breakdown's emotions. He was fighting not to cry after only a half-hour.)

(When he finally broke down and cried, I immediately stopped playing the song and apologized.)

(I'm okay with making Airachnid, Starscream, certain Vehicons, and most of the Insecticons cry. What I'm not okay with is making Patchy cry.)

(So this made me mentally beat myself up for daring to risk making him upset.)

(When Knock Out found out, he wasn't happy. I got yelled at and Breakdown did, too, because he didn't say something or ask me to stop in the first place.)

_**Rule # 188: **__**Just because you had a bad day doesn't mean you should get in a yelling match with a Decepticon. (Anonymous BW FG)**_

(The easiest way to tell if I'm in a really bad mood: I don't bother speaking English. The problem with that: there aren't many translators for actual Hawaiian dialect online, and the Decepticons need an internet source to translate.)

(No, I'm not babbling about this just because I can. It does play an important part in the story.)

(Long story short: horrible day... my cousin's Birthday, to be exact...)

(Just don't ask about it. I don't like to remember.)

(Anyways, Starscream decided that if I was already having a bad day, he should do everything in his power to make it worse. Five minutes after he started trying to further ruin my day, I began to shout at him in my native language. It didn't occur to me to make sure he could understand what I said.)

(He didn't catch a word. And just because he could, he shouted back in Cybertronian. Which I can't understand.)

(So we spent almost an hour yelling at each other in languages the other couldn't understand.)

(Screamer damaged his vocorder and lost his voice. I shouted myself hoarse and lost my voice. And then we both had to endure a long lecture from Knock Out about never yelling for more than ten consecutive minutes.)

(Unless you're Lord Megatron. Then you can yell for as long as you like.)

_**Rule # 189: **__**If you had a bad day, don't take it out on a emotional Decepticon. (By Undiscovered Poet)**_

(Emotional Decepticons are no fun in any situation. When your day is already not going well, they're even less fun.)

(You're going to need some background information on this one before I go on...)

(Dreadwing and I sort of have an unspoken agreement. If, for the most part, I leave him out of my pranks and do what he says, he lets me hide in his quarters in the event I really piss off Knock Out and/or Breakdown.)

(Yeah, our agreement usually doesn't stop me from making him mad at me or annoying him within the limits of aforementioned agreement.)

(Dreadwing was emotional because he was remembering his twin, and I certainly wasn't in a good mood either.)

(I don't feel like explaining exactly what happened; just know that it ended up with both of us storming off in the direction of our respective quarters, silently cursing the other for ever existing.)

_**Rule # 190: No matter how bad your day was, there are always certain Decepticons you can count on to cheer you up.**_

(Knock Out, Breakdown, Rumble, and Frenzy being those 'certain Decepticons.')

(The reason for Knock Out cheering me up is because he's my guardian. Breakdown's excuse is that Knock Out would kill him if anything happened to me while he was around. Don't believe him. I know he cares about me. With Frenzy, it's more like, "If you're gonna have a bad day, I better be the cause of it," instead of actually caring how I feel. It's Rumble I'm not so sure about. Part of it is the same reason as his twin, but the other part - I'm stumped as to what it is...)

(I was about two seconds from repeatedly banging my head against the wall. Frenzy came up and poked me, asking why I looked so upset. When I didn't reply, he went to go get his twin. Rumble tackled me and refused to get off until I stopped sulking. Frenzy stood by and watched.)

"I hate you both."

(Rumble promptly slung me over his shoulder, calling for Frenzy to make sure I didn't hurt myself or him. They carried me to the medical bay and informed Knock Out and Breakdown that I was sulking.)

(Knock Out gently teased me while Breakdown made a few puns at the Autobots' expense. Frenzy came up with new pranks for us to do to Starscream. Rumble, strangely, was the only one not saying anything. All he really did was give me a hug and not let go. I ignored all of them.)

(But it's really difficult to ignore someone forever. Especially when they're doing everything in their power to make you laugh or smile.)

(I lasted five minutes before I gave in to letting them cheer me up.)

* * *

**Next Chapter: Living with Knock Out**


	22. Living with Knock Out - I

**AN: *ducks head in embarrassment* I'm actually supposed to be doing homework right now. But you know what? Screw homework; I wanna write more rules!**

* * *

_**Rule # 191: Unlike half the crew, Knock Out actually listens. (By inkdragon13)**_

(I am so glad my guardian is Knock Out. Starscream never hears anything beyond the sound of his own voice, Airachnid is so sadistic she makes Knock Out look like a pacifist, Dreadwing is too uptight, Soundwave will constantly use your own words against you, and Breakdown - while he does try to listen - can't sit still long enough to have a meaningful conversation with.)

(Seriously, do you even have to ask why I didn't bother including Lord Megatron?)

(As I was saying, Knock Out listens, and not just well enough to carry on a conversation with, but he listens when I have to vent or when something bad happened and I have to get it off my chest.)

(If I try to vent around Breakdown, he just gives me this blank look, like he's not sure if he should say something or just let me talk myself out. If I'm around Starscream, he asks why he should care. Dreadwing politely asks me what he could possibly do about it. Airachnid webs me to whatever surface is nearest at the moment and leaves me there. Soundwave records my every word and points out how ridiculous I sound by playing back the footage once I'm done. Unless the twins are around, in which case he's occupied with trying to keep them in one piece.)

(Knock Out not only listens, he offers some advice on how to deal with it - or if it's a 'con/'bot/person that ticked me off, he grabs his energon prod, puts me on his shoulder, and promptly kicks their sorry aft.)

_**Rule # 192: With Knock Out, compliments are always a sure-fire way to brighten his day. (By inkdragon13)**_

(This is pretty much guaranteed, even if it doesn't seem like it's working.)

(You see, being the Decepticon medic isn't all it's cracked up to be. Some days Knock Out can't even leave the medical bay, there are so many injured Vehicons.)

(Take the day we had an explosion in the engine room, for example. A ninth of the Vehicons - no, that's not a small number at all, considering how many Vehicons there are in total on the _Nemesis_ - were injured in the accident.)

(Knock Out started repairing the Vehicons the day of the accident, which was a Tuesday. He was still repairing them the following Tuesday. Even with Breakdown helping, he was stressed out and in a bad mood.)

(I quickly took notice of this and made up my mind that I was going to make him feel better by the end of the day.)

(So I complimented his finish, his paint job, his rims, what a great job he was doing as a medic, and everything else about him I could think of. When Starscream came in to check up on progress, he gave me a strange look, but decided not to press.)

(At the end of the day, Knock Out still hadn't so much as cracked a smile at any of my compliments. I was about to give up, but I gave it one last go.)

"I wouldn't want any other guardian besides you, KO. You're the best Earth has ever seen."

(Knock Out turned around, looking mildly surprised. He knelt and stroked my hair with one of his digits.)

"Thank you, Shiloh."

(It wasn't much, but hearing him say those words meant he was already getting back to his usual cocky self.)

_**Rule # 193: Knock Out is vain enough as is. He doesn't need encouragement. (By inkdragon13)**_

(Even though his self-esteem was at an all-time low, he was still as prissy over his appearance as a high school cheerleader.)

(To make him go back to normal, Breakdown and I encouraged him to 'fix himself up' some more and told him how awesome he looked.)

(That was our first mistake. Knock Out snapped that he didn't need us fussing over him like we were his carriers. He also said he was perfect. Not perfectly fine, but perfect. As in he thinks he has no flaws.)

(Now we know to let him be no matter what we really think. Because he's a self-centered egotist who's vain enough on his own.)

(But he forgets he's _our_ self-centered egotist.)

_**Rule # 194: Do not announce you have a date in front of Knock Out. (By Randall Boggs)**_

(... I can't believe he thought I was serious. After almost having a spark attack, he picked me up and proceeded to interrogate me on who I was going with, what we were going to do, where I met the guy, and so on and so forth.)

(Knock Out seriously takes the 'overprotective father' bit to the extreme.)

(I let him yell for a few minutes. Then I very calmly explained that I was joking and that he shouldn't have overreacted.)

(To make matters worse, Rumble and Frenzy were in the room while this was going on. Frenzy was teasing Rumble about something. Rumble looked about a nanoklik from flat-out shooting Frenzy in the helm.)

(When Knock Out finally put me back down, I told him I was just going for a bit of fresh air with Revv. He seemed satisfied with that and let me leave.)

(What he didn't know is that I wasn't _exactly_ joking in the first place.)

(A few hours later I got back to the warship with... a certain someone... and thankfully no one noticed our arrival.)

"Be quiet, you're gonna get us caught. And let the Pit go of my hand already!"

(We failed to notice Frenzy watching from around the corner, recording everything. Luckily, we managed to buy his silence.)

(And I'm only going to warn you once - the crew, _especially_ Knock Out and Soundwave, cannot know Rumble and I went to the movies together. We would never hear the end of it from anyone, and I really don't want to be the one responsible for your first visit to the medical bay.)

_**Rule # 195: If you see Knock Out make a mistake on anything, point it out. Immediately. (By Undiscovered Poet)**_

(Everyone knows at least one perfectionist. At this current moment, the only perfectionist I know is Knock Out. But KO isn't just a perfectionist.)

(Take the perfectionist you know, increase their perfectionism to a hundred percent, make them vainer than a high-school cheer capitan, and give them a crazy factor of thirteen - that's on a scale of one to ten, by the way.)

(You're still not grasping the whole, 'He's vain and insane' thing are you?)

(Ah, frag it. I forgot what I was saying.)

(Oh, that's right - scale of one to ten.)

(Anyways, if Knock Out makes a mistake and no one points it out, he will eventually realize it and proceed to berate himself for being such an idiot. Then he will become depressed.)

(A depressed KO is worse than an angry Lord Megatron. Somehow, it's scarier, too.)

_**Rule # 196: Knock Out needs appreciation for his work. (By Undiscovered Poet)**_

(I cannot count all the times I finished repairing a scratch, pounding out a dent, or applying a new coat of paint to someone's car and they didn't even bother to say thanks. It was so irritating. I spent all that time working on their car and they act like I didn't do anything at all.)

(Knock Out's the same way about being a medic. A simple "Good job," or "Thank you," goes a long way with him. It makes him happy.)

(And when he's happy, Breakdown and I are happy.)

(If he's not, someone's going to lose a limb.)

_**Rule # 197: Do not - in any way - alter the paint. (By Undiscovered Poet)**_

(Yes, I know there have already been several instances of me telling you not to mess with Knock Out's paint job. Guess what? I mean it.)

(I stopped fooling with it after the blue with pink polka-dots incident.)

(Rumble and Frenzy, however, still haven't learned.)

(The dumbest thing you can possibly do short of making Lord Megatron mad at you is pissing the only medic off.)

(He can just refuse to fix you, dolts! And if you don't get fixed, you're of no use to Megatron. And if you're of no use to Megatron, it's the scrapyard for ya!)

_**Rule # 198: No bumper stickers. (By Undiscovered Poet)**_

(You will die. No ifs, ands, or buts.)

(The only reason I got away with it is because I'm his human and I know how to get the stupid things off without damaging the paint or finish.)

(And, no, I will not save your aft when you come crying to me that Knock Out is trying to kill you.)

(Because if he's trying to kill you, you probably deserve it.)

_**Rule # 199: There is a very specific routine Knock Out has after he finishes recharging; leave him be during it. (By Sorcelle Dragonmoon)**_

(Knock Out's post-recharge routine is very meticulous. He has to buff himself to ensure he didn't get any scratches or scuffs while he was recharging. He has to fuss over the way he looks in a mirror... Yadda, yadda, yadda, and so on and so forth.)

(For some reason it reminds me of the morning routine of some of the girls back in Jasper I was with the one time I was ever invited to a sleep-over. It just looked pointless to me. Your hair and makeup aren't going to look like that all day, so just let it well enough alone!)

(If you can't tell, I don't like girly stuff. The only reason I actually have makeup is because Knock Out insisted.)

(As I was saying before I sidetracked myself, Knock Out's routine takes about an hour. Two, if he's feeling especially vain that morning.)

(I don't have the patience to wait that long.)

(I decided one day that I was going to see if Knock Out could speed it up just a little bit. Unfortunately, it was one of those days when he was feeling even more vain that usual and I was feeling even more impatient than usual.)

(I really shouldn't have pissed off Dreadwing earlier that week.)

(I could've used a hiding spot.)

_**Rule # 200: Cherry red versus crimson. Acrylic based paint versus enamel based paint. It's not hard; learn the differences! (By Pixelus Prime)**_

(I was tired. You can't blame a girl for needing more than four hours of sleep a night, can you? If I had been fully awake, I would never have made such a stupid mistake.)

(Who mixes up cherry and crimson? Or acrylic and enamel, for that matter?)

(Oh, yeah. I kind of forgot not everyone used to paint cars for a living.)

(But anyways, I hadn't slept pretty much at all, and Knock Out needed his entire paint job redone.)

(Remember the salt water in the washracks incident?)

(Thought so.)

(I redid his base color - which is a lighter crimson than the secondary color - in a garish shade of cherry red that would've looked out of place on a fire truck. To make it worse, I used the acrylic based paint reserved for my pranks and the like instead of the enamel based paint manufactured specifically for cars.)

(You see, _this _is the reason it took five days to fix his paint job. I was so tired I mixed up basic stuff and had to redo the entire thing twice.)

(It probably didn't help that Knock Out tried to take my head off after he noticed he was cherry red.)

* * *

**Next Chapter: Living with Knock Out - II**


	23. Living with Knock Out - II

**AN: This was gonna be some witty comment about burning the homework to write more rules, but after what happened in Boston... it no longer seemed appropriate. Seriously, what is our country coming to? The Boston Marathon is supposed to be about achieving something great and reaching for the sky. How could someone twist it into something this horrible? A bomb with metal ball bearings stuffed inside near the finish line **_**is not**_** something great. It killed three people and injured countless others.**

**I'm praying for the families of the injured and dead and all the runners and bystanders injured, and I would love it if you let me know if you are, too. It would give me some consolation and would be a blessing to those people.**

**I'll write this chapter, but after Monday, I don't know if I want to keep writing on any of my stories since I write a lot of violent stuff. It just makes me feel sick and guilty to think about it.**

* * *

_**Rule # 201: Under no circumstances are you to touch Knock Out's finish. (By Pyxo)**_

(His reaction is bad enough under normal circumstances.)

(... Primus help you if he's just had it waxed.)

(Again, I must point out the fact that he's the _only_ medic on board the warship. If he gets annoyed enough, he _will_ refuse to treat you. And if Knock Out refuses to treat you, so will Breakdown.)

(And since I'm the medic's human and since I always get hurt, I know some basics. But if you manage to make KO that mad, I will not help you either.)

(Because I'm the one who waxes and polishes his finish in the first place. And I take great pride in my work, so don't mess it up!)

_**Rule # 202: Everything, right down to the shade of paint on any of his patients, has to be perfect. (By Pyxo)**_

(You may think that one little degree lighter or darker than the color expected is fine, but it's not. It really isn't.)

(Remember me saying that Knock Out is an extreme perfectionist?)

(Yeah, when I say extreme, I mean _extreme._ It's like the mech is OCD or something about color. The medical bay is a very specific shade of black, and the rest of the ship is another color entirely.)

(Yes, there's more than one shade of black. According to Knock Out, at least.)

(Anyway, the Vehicons have their own shade of purple. So do the miners. Soundwave and Rumble do, too.)

(Megatron's gray is different from Starscream's gray.)

(Breakdown and Dreadwing each have their own blue.)

(And Knock Out's paint job is comprised of two different shades of red. Frenzy's red - what little his paint job actually has - is completely different from either of them.)

(Mix any of them up and you will soon find yourself in dire need of sleep... because you will be kept awake until it is fixed and has earned Knock Out's approval, Breakdown's approval, and my approval.)

_**Rule # 203: Respect his work. (By Pyxo)**_

(Not only does he deserve respect, he needs it too. He gets so down when no one pays attention to him aside from when they need to be treated.)

(A good incentive is the fact that he tends to be snippy and rude when he's down.)

(It's not all that hard!)

(A simple "Thanks" or "Good job" can do wonders. And trust me when I say that he's much less of a drama queen when he gets his ego stroked.)

_**Rule # 204: Always knock on the med-bay doors before you enter. (By inkdragon13)**_

(Remember, Knock Out is a medic, and therefore he has to do routine diagnostics, physicals, and check-ups. Sure, it's easy to forget because he rarely acts like he's _mature_ enough to hold such an important position in the Decepticon ranks, but he really is qualified, and it is his job to ensure the health of everyone on the _Nemesis.)_

(Yes, that includes you and me as well.)

(The reason you have to knock is quite simple: if you don't, the chance that KO will slip up and accidentally injure his patient goes up by fifty percent.)

(Take the time Airachnid had had enough of me while we were on recon by ourselves. I managed to get back to the warship in one piece somehow.)

(Well, mostly in one piece.)

(One of the spider-legged freak's extra limbs had clipped my side when she tried to run me through. I was bleeding, and pretty sure someone had mentioned that her extra limbs secreted a kind of poison. Once I made it to the med-bay, the thought of knocking completely slipped my mind and I just walked in.)

(My unexpected arrival startled Knock Out, causing him to drop the welder on his patient, who happened to be Starscream. It burned a hole around halfway through Screamers leg before Knock Out picked it back up.)

(At which point I passed out. I had been right about the poison.)

(Once Knock Out had wrestled the antidote from Airachnid and cured me, this rule was instituted. It usually stops me from entering unnanounced.)

(Usually being the key word.)

_**Rule # 205: Knock Out will not always save you in the event you make Lord Megatron extremely angry. (By inkdragon13)**_

(Do you recall me saying Rumble and I managed to buy Frenzy's silence about the whole 'going to the movies' thing?)

(His price was that we had to help him with any prank on anyone any time, no questions asked. Though that made us nervous as to what he had planned, we agreed.)

(Imagine how much we wanted to back out when we found out the prankee was Lord Megatron. But in the end, ensuring Knock Out remained oblivious was more important than being afraid of bucket-head.)

(The prank involved a handheld blaster, a jumpy miner, unrefined energon ore, and a recharging Decepticon leader. A recipe for disaster, and maybe a good laugh or two if we were lucky.)

(We weren't lucky.)

(Soundwave and Knock Out stood by and _watched_ while Megatron threatened us within an inch of our lives. Once it was over, Soundwave dragged the twins out, probably giving them a harsh telepathic scolding while doing so, and Knock Out spent a good five minutes cursing at me for making Megatron so mad.)

(He informed me that if I ever did something that stupid again, he would never let me out of my room.)

_**Rule # 206: If you have nothing to do, ask about Knock Out's background. (By inkdragon13)**_

(He's got a pretty interesting story to tell, and he likes to tell it.)

(Just don't mention you were bored before asking about his past. He'll take offense.)

(As I was saying, Knock Out's story is quite interesting. Being of the medical caste, he was used to a high standard of living, and he seriously didn't know what to expect when rumblings of Megatron - then Megatronus - first reached Cybertron's populace. At the time, Knock Out was apprenticed to a well-known medic at Protihex by the name of First Aid. They had differing views on how to treat their patients.)

(Even back then, Knock Out was sadistic. That's all the hint on that subject I'm going to give you.)

(Knock Out graduated not long before Orion Pax was named Prime in the session with the High Council where he and Megatron were supposed to plead for the removal of the caste system.)

(Breakdown was one of Megatron's first followers after he fell out with the Wrecker for a reason he won't tell me about. He was responsible for finding a replacement for the Constructicons - they lost their strongest member in a battle with an Autobot combiner - and stumbled on Knock Out.)

(Although Knock Out didn't want to be a part of the war, Breakdown talked him into it, reasoning that he would be safer under Megatron than he would as a Neutral.)

(Since then, Breakdown has been assigned as KO's assistant and partner, the Decepticons have come to Earth, Knock Out and Breakdown have visited countless planets in search of their fellow Decepticons after a SpaceBridge accident stranded them on Velocitron, and Starscream has called them both to Earth. You know the rest.)

_**Rule # 207: Having trouble deciding what to wear? Ask Knock Out. (By inkdragon13)**_

(Everyone else could probably care less, but I didn't bother them by asking in the first place. I went straight to Knock Out.)

(KO has excellent fashion sense, and I... Well, I don't. At all. I can't figure out what is so special and important about clothes. It just looks pointless to me, so I usually don't bother worrying about my outfit.)

(But it was an important day and I wanted to look my best. I couldn't figure out what to wear, so I eventually gave up and asked Knock Out.)

(Ten minutes later he had me in an outfit that according to him was fashionable and that I actually liked.)

(Knock Out was happy I finally came to him for advice on clothes. I was happy I had something nice to wear and was very proud of myself for asking KO.)

(... But it didn't stop me from blushing when Rumble commented he liked my outfit that evening.)

_**Rule # 208: While he was at one point a Seeker, he does not like it when he is reminded of this fact. (By Aliyah-7)**_

(One thing I forgot to mention earlier: Knock Out was a Seeker for most of his life. It's hard to believe, isn't it? My street-racing guardian - who has commented on the asthetics of Prime's vehicle mode - used to be a Seeker like Starscream.)

(The reason he traded wings for wheels has to do with Breakdown being assigned as his partner. It was hard for them to work effectively together in the field with one in the sky and one on the ground. And because Breakdown's frame is way too heavily built to convert into a flier's, Knock Out opted to become a grounder.)

(Apparently Knock Out was very showy about his wings and even more vain than he is now-)

(It seems impossible, I know, but it's true.)

(Sometimes Knock Out misses his wings and taking to the air. But say one word about it and you may just need surgery.)

_**Rule # 209: Never bring up the time Knock Out got stuck in a wall. (By PrincessLeahPrime)**_

(This is all the Autobot rookie's fault. After the New Year's incident, he managed to sneak aboard using the Phase Shifter. Knock Out caught him halfway to the vault. As they fought, they passed through wall after wall because both of them were touching the relic.)

(Then the rookie yanked it out of Knock Out's grip while they were passing through a wall, leaving my guardian stuck. Megatron was the one to find him and left him there as punishment.)

(Breakdown protected him from the Insecticons and any Vehicons who wanted to scratch his finish while he couldn't do anything about it. I sat next to him and kept him occupied with conversation.)

(By the time Megatron finally decided to get him out, Breakdown and I had hardly rested at all, we had been so absorbed in protecting Knock Out.)

(We conked out five minutes apart in the middle of the hallway after Knock Out was released, but helping KO was worth it.)

_**Rule # 210: Don't underestimate how understanding and sweet he can be.**_

(There are way too many examples for me to put just one here.)

(I know that Knock Out can seem cold and wrapped up in himself, and he sometimes can be, but without him, I wouldn't have made it through these last four years.)


	24. General Rules - VIII

Just a face in the city

Just a tear on a crowded street

But you are one in a million

And you belong to me

- Matthew West, 'More'

* * *

_**Rule # 211: Robot Chicken is banned. **__**(By Starart123)**_

(No. Just... no.)

(Soundwave will have his revenge. And it will make you want to die.)

(Up until that point, I could've sworn my uncle kept his promise about getting rid of that picture...)

_**Rule # 212: Knock Out is indeed fabulous, but he does not need to sparkle. **__**(By Aurrawings)**_

(Four words: Glitter, recharge, alt-mode. Actually, that might only be three words. I don't know. And I don't care either.)

(No, you idiot, I didn't do it!)

(Not on purpose, anyways.)

(What happened was, I went shopping for some supplies-)

(No, not pranking supplies! Stop interrupting me or I'm just going to walk away and let you deal with the Decepticons on your own.)

(Are you going to let me finish now? Good.)

(As I was saying, I needed some supplies to finish a surprise I was working on for the Fourth of July. Fireworks, streamers, that sort of thing. The glitter was just an afterthought because I thought Rumble might like it.)

(He has a weakness for shiny things... Don't tell anyone I told you.)

(Well, Knock Out had elected to remain outside because he was apparently too fabulous to go into a craft store, and he had settled into a light recharge during the hour or so I was gone. When I got back, he barely woke up enough to open his door and let me get in. I accidentally dropped the glass container of glitter, which broke... and unleashed its contents all over Knock Out's interior.)

(To this day his interior still sparkles.)

(Neither of us has managed to live it down.)

_**Rule # 213: Unless you want to die, leave Knock Out's buffer alone. (By Aurrawings)**_

(Remember the very first rule when I said I came back from Starscream's joyflight with more bruises and scratches than when I tried to take KO's buffer?)

(I wasn't exactly honest with you. I didn't try to take it, I helped Frenzy replace the pad with sandpaper.)

(For the love of Primus, stop interrupting me! I have absolutely no problem with walking away right now and letting you figure everything out on your own. So unless you want to take that risk, I suggest you shut your mouth.)

(I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to come off like that. I just don't like being interrupted when I know what I'm talking about. You don't need to give me that scared look; I wouldn't hurt you unless I had no other choice in the long run. I can't promise about the Decepticons, which is why I can't have you interrupting me. I'm not trying to be mean; I'm just trying to keep you alive.)

(As I was saying, Frenzy and I replaced the buffering pad with sandpaper-)

(You know what? Forget it. All you need to know is the aftermath.)

(Long story short: Frenzy wound up with a missing arm as well as a flourescent blue paint job. I ended up with a new scar across my back and when I finally found my favorite jacket, it was dyed bright green.)

_**Rule # 214: While you may not have time for that, don't say so in front of the Decepticon who told you to do it. (By inkdragon13)**_

(I thought it was funny, at least the first couple of times I did it. After that, I got tired of the glares and laser bursts sent my way.)

(Just in case you decide to try this anyways, let me give you a run-down of what you should expect.)

(Starscream will flat-out try to shoot you.)

(Dreadwing does not tolerate insubordination, so he will purposely assign you to the most boring and monotonous tasks in the world for weeks.)

(Airachnid will either try to stab you with one of her extra legs or web you to the ceiling until you agree to do it.)

(Soundwave will sic Ravage on you.)

(Megatron will ask again in his most threatening voice, and if you say it again, you might want to run to avoid Predaking.)

(Breakdown will throw something at you.)

(Knock Out is unpredictable, so I can't give you a good warning.)

(Just remember that it's not in your best interest to say this in the first place and you won't have to worry about it.)

_**Rule # 215: Mine Turtles are never a good idea. (By inkdragon13)**_

(Correction: they're a good idea only when certain Decepticons step on them.)

(If Starscream steps on them, it's all good. You may end up with a new scar or two, but believe me, it's totally worth it just to hear Screamer shriek like a femme.)

(If Airachnid steps on them, it's still okay. Just watch your back for a few days afterward.)

(If anyone else steps on them, you're in trouble. A varying amount of trouble depending on who.)

(Primus forbid Lord Megatron steps on one of them. That happened to me once. I heard the adorable "Hello!" and the explosion, but didn't know who stepped on the button because I was hiding around the corner.)

(The next thing I know, I find myself staring up at a slightly blackened Megatron who looks like he's about to kill me.)

(I _wish_ he had just thrown me in the Brig.)

_**Rule # 216: If you must play with Pepsi and Mentos, do so in an appropriate place. (By inkdragon13)**_

(Appropriate places are: the rec room and the twins' quarters.)

(Starscream's quarters is not an appropriate place. He apparently hates having sugary soft drink splattered all over his stuff.)

(However, if you make a rocket out of the soda bottle, it's perfectly alright to play with it in the general vicinity of Screamer. It will somehow end up hitting him in the face. And he will scream out of surprise. And then shriek about the soda getting into his gears and messing with his paint.)

(I was laughing my head off so badly I almost didn't notice when he picked me up and threatened to take me on another flight to Tokyo.)

_**Rule # 217: 'The Song that Gets on Everybody's Nerves' gets on everybody's nerves. (By Aurrawings)**_

(Especially Starscream's. This is why I like the song.)

(Honestly, I don't know why everybody thinks I hate Starscream, just because I irritate him more frequently than Airachnid. I don't dislike him at all - except when he's trying to kill or maim me, of course. I just like to annoy him. He makes it fun.)

(Piece of friendly advice if you insist on playing the song around Starscream: hide somewhere it is impossible for him to find you.)

(In other words, convince Dreadwing to protect you until Screamer's rage has subsided.)

_**Rule # 218: 'The Whistle Song' also gets on everybody's nerves. **__**(By Sorcelle Dragonmoon)**_

(The result and suggestion are exactly the same as the previous rule: Starscream being enraged, you hiding and convincing Dreadwing to protect you.)

(Otherwise there will once again only be one human living on the _Nemesis.)_

_**Rule # 219: Don't convince Knock Out to meddle with someone's T-cog. **__**(By tankbuster626)**_

(I never did this, but let me warn you anyways.)

(T-cogs, better identified as Transformation Cogs, are bio-mechanical parts of Cybertronians that allow them to transform and activate their integrated weapons systems. They're _organs_, for Primus' sake.)

(But if you decide to be an idiot and ask KO to mess with someone's T-cog, he will do it. He is a literal mad doctor when it comes to things like this. He would be extremely happy about doing this, so if you ask, he will do it.)

(So don't ask him, even if it's a joke!)

_**Rule # 220: No one is allowed to play Spin the Bottle. **_**At all.**_**(By 16DarkMidnight80)**_

(First of all, Frenzy _really_ needs to stop browsing the internet when he's bored. It gives him ideas.)

(Ideas that almost always end badly for everyone else, including Rumble and myself.)

(Second of all, Rumble has yet to apologize for convincing me it was a good idea to play this stupid game. I don't know how he managed to do it, but he did, and I'm still pretty mad about it.)

(You would be surprised how many members of the crew he convinced to play. There were quite a few Vehicons, Airachnid - strangely enough - and Breakdown that I can remember at this exact moment. I'm betting neither Frenzy nor Rumble explained to them the specifics of the game, given that none of them looked in the slightest bit nervous or uncomfortable.)

(Amazingly enough, Airachnid spun Breakdown on the first go.)

_(That_ ended well. Poor Breaky.)

(If anyone tells you that I managed to spin Rumble, _they're lying.)_

(I quit before it was my turn.)

(And no matter what Rumble says, it is not cute when I blush.)

* * *

**Next Chapter: Interactions with Dreadwing**


	25. Interactions with Dreadwing - I

**AN: Guys, guys, guys. You really confused me here. Three of you said not to mention Skyquake around him at all, but then inkdragon13 suggested that there might be a time when mentioning him is okay. I can see both situations working perfectly, so I spent hours thinking up how to use both. It almost broke my brain just trying to think of a way to combine them and still have it make sense. I just hope it actually works in context.**

**On a brighter note, my older sister recently turned eighteen, and she loves Transformers just as much as I do. So even though she doesn't read FanFiction, the whole reason I decided to do Interactions with Dreadwing now is because she likes him. A lot. **

**Happy late Birthday, big sis!**

This is the stuff that drives me crazy

This is the stuff that's getting to me lately

In the middle of my little mess

I forget how big I'm blessed

- Francesca Battistelli, 'This is the Stuff'

* * *

_**Rule # 221: Dreadwing is the most loyal Decepticon you'll ever come across. Don't question it. (By WingedWolfAlari)**_

(He doesn't take it well.)

(To be honest, I didn't really question his loyalty at all. I just wanted to see his face.)

(... I am an idiot.)

(Unlike Starscream, who gets violent when irritated, Dreadwing becomes - er, how in the world am I supposed to phrase this? - rather... um, well... intentionally insulting.)

(He will purposely mention something you did wrong and proceed to tell you exactly what you could have done instead and why it would have been so much better than what you did and what an idiot you are for even thinking of such a stupid idea in the first place. At least, that's what he did to Frenzy when he decided to follow my lead and question where his loyalty lies: with Lord Megatron or with Skyquake?)

(All he said to me was that I was one to talk and reminded me of precisely why I was even with the 'cons in the first place.)

(Frenzy's reaction to this: "Primus, Dreadwing, Knock Out's going to kill you for bringing that up. You made her cry!")

(No, I don't want to explain what he brought up. It's personal, and I get depressed just thinking about it.)

_**Rule # 222: Mentioning Skyquake is only ever acceptable in one situation. (*)**_

(Everyone on the _Nemesis_ has a berserk button. Dreadwing's is Skyquake.)

(If you even say the departed Seeker's name within the audio range of Dreadwing, most will agree you deserve to be shot by him. Pit, even_ I _agree, and I was the one getting shot at.)

(Because if there's one thing I can sympathize with Dreadwing on, it's Skyquake. I know exactly how he feels on this subject. Losing someone you love that much can really push you over the edge.)

(But there is one time when you can mention him. Sometimes Dreadwing will go to the upper deck at sunset, when it's peaceful and he's had a pretty good day. That only happens maybe once every two months, so don't get your hopes up.)

(If you phrase it right, he'll tell you about Skyquake.)

(When he talks about his twin, his voice grows lighter, almost fond, and his optics turn soft. He clearly misses the days when they were together and didn't have to worry about loyalty to anyone but each other. As strange as it may sound, he almost sounds _human_ when he recalls the days he spent with Skyquake before the war.)

(It's a side of him I wouldn't mind seeing more often.)

_**Rule # 223: Explosives are Dreadwing's forte - no one else's. (By WingedWolfAlari)**_

(He's so good at blowing things up that it's practically an art.)

(I'm not joking. When he makes something explode, it does so with a sense of grace and fluidity to it that you can't find anywhere else. Even Knock Out will admit that it's awesome, though not when Dreadwing is around to hear it. They'll both walk off huffing in opposite directions.)

(Anyways, don't encourage anyone to try their servo at explosives, no matter how well you think they'd do the job. That's Dreadwing's secondary job; no one can even begin to be as good at it as he is.)

(It's a proven fact. Just ask Screamer.)

_**Rule # 224: It is imperitive Dreadwing remain in the dark about the ultimate fate of his twin. (By WingedWolfAlari)**_

(In case you didn't know, Starscream stole a shard of Dark Energon a while back and used it to bring Skyquake back from the dead as his 'servant.' Well, I'm no warrior, but even I know that you don't disturb the resting place of those fallen in battle. It's disgraceful and frankly, it's pathetic.)

(The reason Dreadwing can't know about it is because it would cause him to question his loyalty to the Decepticon cause. We can't afford that. We have barely enough competent officers here to run the warship; we can't afford to lose even one.)

(Not my words, by the way. I was quoting Lord Megatron.)

(Personally, I think he deserves to know what happened to his twin. Even if it means we- What I meant to say was that I think he deserves to know even if it means I lose one of the few Decepticons I can actually get along with.)

(The poor mech doesn't know he's been living with a lie for years now.)

_**Rule # 225: Regardless of what anyone says, Dreadwing is nothing like Rainbow Dash. (By WingedWolfAlari)**_

(My fault for introducing Frenzy to My Little Pony to get him to leave me alone in the first place.)

(He introduced the rest of the crew, and somehow everyone randomly decided that Dreadwing was Rainbow Dash. Not only was that extremely weird, it made no sense.)

(At least it was better than what Breakdown did after watching a couple episodes.)

(My nickname is Shy... and then there's the pony called Fluttershy. I'll let you figure out the rest yourself.)

(Back to what I was saying before. When Dreadwing caught wind of this, he was just as amused as one would expect. For the first time since I got here, I was not one of the ones locked in the Brig!)

(And as sad as that sounds, yes, I'm kind of proud of it.)

_**Rule # 226: He's a sucker for Military reunion videos. (By WingedWolfAlari)**_

(Yeah, yeah, I know it's a cliché. The big old warrior whose a secret softie, but that's not exactly correct. He's not soft, and he's not secretive about it.)

(The reason the videos get to him is because he is a warrior and he knows what it's like to be separated from someone you care about because of war. Just remember that Skyquake was put in stasis here on Earth for centuries, leaving his twin to eagerly anticipate their reunion.)

(I know that's how he felt back then because I asked Soundwave to give me a quick run-down of the history of the Seeker twins.)

(As I was saying, Dreadwing's a sucker for these videos, especially if they're between a soldier and his dog, weird as it may seem. It's one of the few instances of obvious human emotion in any Decepticon aside from contempt and other negative feelings.)

_**Rule # 227: His bombs are called his for a reason; don't steal them, and don't play recording of explosions to 'throw him off.' (By Undiscovered Poet)**_

(This can all be explained in a series of quotes.)

"Shiloh, Rumble, I know you took them, and I know you're hiding in here!"

"Okay, you take the bombs and go that way, I'll go this way and distract him."

"I don't know, Shy, he sounds pretty mad. Maybe I should distract him."

"I can handle it, now go!"

"Come out, you two!"

(At this point I played a video of an explosion lifted from a Mythbusters episode, and well... I'll just continue with the story.)

"There you are. Did you really think you could trick me with such an obvious ploy?"

"Maybe I did. Or are you too dumb to notice the fact that you haven't found Rumble or your bombs?"

"I don't need to find him. He'll come to me."

"What makes you think that?"

"I have _you."_

"Oh."

_**Rule # 228: In light of Item # 227, don't steal anything of his. (By Undiscovered Poet)**_

(Seekers in general are defensive of what's theirs. They're not as obsessive about it as Knock Out - granted, KO was a Seeker for most of his life - but they come close.)

(With Dreadwing, it's sort of a "Not yours, don't touch it" situation, but with a "Touch it without permission and I'll kill you" undertone.)

(Whatever the case, you don't want to steal anything that belongs to him because he'll get very angry and you'll either find yourself stuck with the most annoying tasks on the _Nemesis_ for weeks or you'll end up explaining to Knock Out exactly why you're in the medical bay again.)

_**Rule # 229: He is Second-in-Command of the Decepticon forces; he doesn't have time to 'play' with you. (By Undiscovered Poet)**_

(To be fair, I never used the word play. I asked if he wanted to hang out because I was bored and everyone else was busy.)

(Heh. Biggest mistake I made the entire month.)

(... Again, I am an idiot.)

(I should have known what was going to come next. Honestly, I should have. It should have been obvious, given his general disposition and his reactions every single time I've accidentally - or perhaps purposely - annoyed him.)

(Another lecture.)

(Long lecture summarized in as few words as possible: "I am the First Lieutenant, Shiloh, I have neither time nor desire to amuse you simply because you lack the drive to find a Vehicon to play with.")

(I was at the same time insulted and relieved.)

(On one hand, Dreadwing's a stiff and no fun. On the other... it's a bad idea to leave me alone when I'm bored.)

_**Rule # 230: Gorilla Glue is useful for many things, but not for pranking Dreadwing with. (By Undiscovered Poet)**_

(Do you by chance remember the agreement Dreadwing and I have? The one where if I leave him alone, I get to hide in his quarters if I piss off KO and Patchy?)

(Oh, that's good. I didn't want to have to explain it again.)

(Okay, here's how this ended up happening. Frenzy and Rumble had been sent on a mission to retrieve a Predacon fossil in - was it Russia? No, it was the one close by, the one where Chernobyl happened. Belarus? No, not that one. Ukraine? Yeah, it was Ukraine! They were on a retrieval mission in Ukraine, Breakdown was assisting Starscream in handling Predaking down on the surface, Knock Out was monitoring for locator beacons and couldn't be bothered, Soundwave, Dreadwing, and Lord Megatron were in the middle of a very important meeting, and Shockwave was free, but he scares me. So as you can see, I was by myself. I wasn't even allowed to go on missions because Knock Out suddenly cited them as too dangerous!)

(What was I supposed to do, sit there all day and wait for something to happen?!)

(Pit no! If nothing fun's happening, I just have to create my own fun.)

(Which is bad news for anyone in the general area.)

(Well, to say I crossed a line by spreading Gorilla Glue on Dreadwing's berth is putting it mildly. I regret it greatly, and I really hope he knows I'm sorry for getting him stuck. I went too far in that prank, and again, I'm really, _really_ sorry for it.)

* * *

**There were way too many names to list up there, so I'm going to list them here. Rule # 222 was suggested by WingedWolfAlari, Undiscovered Poet, inkdragon13, and Pyxo. Each contributed a part of the rule, so each gets credit for suggesting it.**

**Next Chapter: Interactions with Dreadwing - II**


	26. Interactions with Dreadwing - II

When darkness seems to hide His face

I rest on His unchanging grace

In every high and stormy gale

My anchor holds within the veil

- Hillsong United, 'Cornerstone'

* * *

_**Rule # 231: Dreadwing cannot save you entirely from your own stupidity. (By PixelusPrime)**_

(Chances are, one day you're going to do something even he can't rescue you from.)

(I should know. And by this point, you really should have guessed I was going to say that.)

(I may or may not have pissed off Shockwave, and may or may not have tried to justify calling him 'Cyclops' by pointing out that he only has one optic. One giant optic that occupies the entirety of his faceplate. And I also may or may not have indirectly called him an idiot.)

(But remember, I _may or may not _have done that. I'm not telling you if I did.)

(Ah, well, Shockwave almost shot me. He did shoot _at_ me, but he missed. When he was about to actually hit me, Dreadwing stepped in the way.)

(No matter how many times Dreadwing explained to our 'new arrival' that I kind of have a habit of getting on everyone's nerves and that I can't help it, Shockwave wasn't buying it. He wanted to kill me. Or use me as his next test subject. I never did figure out which.)

_**Rule # 232: It's only because of Skyquake he will almost always agree to protect you. (By inkdragon13)**_

(I guess having a sibling makes even Cybertronians a little more lenient when it comes to kids. Dreadwing was kind to me from day one, if a little intimidating, but _hey,_ you try coming aboard a warship scared out of your mind, get yourself lost when you should have been following someone you were only half-sure you could trust and run into a massive Seeker hundreds of times your size and tell me you wouldn't be intimidated.)

(As I was saying, Dreadwing understands that I don't really try to get into trouble or make things difficult for everyone... It just kind of... _happens,_ you know?)

(He once told me that before the war Skyquake always had to bail him out of trouble. His reasoning behind rescuing and protecting me when Knock Out can't is that since Skyquake is dead, he can repay him this way.)

(If you ask me, it's really sweet.)

_**Rule # 233: Dreadwing is great with animals, so unless you want to try to outrun Predaking, leave him be. (By inkdragon13)**_

(Remember Polû, the kitten I brought to the warship one time? Well, Dreadwing was the third to find out, after Rumble and Frenzy.)

(He loved playing with Polû, letting him climb on his frame and even specifically creating a holoform to interact with him on a more equal level. Tell me that is not the cutest thing you've ever heard.)

(When Ravage took Polû back to the surface, Dreadwing became a little bit upset. Of course, I was upset, too, because I'd never had a pet before and Soundwave just ordered Ravage to take it away, but it really surprised me that Dreadwing was taking it just as hard as me.)

(And then comes the Predacon. Predaking, as he likes to be called, obeys Shockwave and Lord Megatron, will make a chew tow out of Starscream if given the chance, isn't allowed near Knock Out unless Breakdown is there, avoids Soundwave, and acts like a big dog around Dreadwing.)

(He fetches a fragging _tree_ for Dreadwing but flat-out threatens to kill Starscream for so much as _tapping_ his tail with a rod.)

(Yet another reason why I like Dreadwing and have decided that unless it's absolutely necessary, I will not purposely pull any pranks on him.)

_**Rule # 234: If Rumble and Frenzy pull another prank on Starscream while in the immediate vicinity of Dreadwing, make sure you're far away. (By inkdragon13)**_

_(Especially_ if said prank involves water balloons filled with motor oil and gasoline, a lighter, a half-empty cube of energon, barbed wire, and firecrackers.)

(Here's how it was supposed to work: Rumble hides in an overhead vent with the water balloons while Frenzy stands next to the door with the half-empty energon cube and the lighter hidden behind his back. Starscream would walk by, wonder why the deployer's just standing there, and demand to know. Then Frenzy would offer him the energon cube, and just before Starscream accepts it, Frenzy would light the firecrackers, which were hidden earlier in the half-empty cube. Starscream lifts the cube up to his faceplate to take a sip, when suddenly it explodes in his face! Well, actually it would just be energon sent flying by the exploding firecrackers, but he would think it exploded. So he stumbles backwards in surprise, and that's when Rumble starts throwing the water balloons at him. Then Starscream runs for the door. It opens, but there's barbed wire strung across the door frame on the other side. Of course, poor Screamer can't see it because there's motor oil and gasoline running into his optics.)

(I would've given anything to see that happen, but unfortunately, it didn't.)

(Here's what ended up happening instead: Dreadwing came in from the wrong side of the door, too spaced out to notice the barbed wire. He wasn't expecting it, and it kind of hurt, so he yelled. This startled Frenzy, who dropped the lighter with a flame burning into the energon cube. Said cube exploded more violently than anticipated and sent scalding/flaming energon across the room. A little bit hit me, but I've only got a small burn scar to show for it. Anyway, Rumble heard the explosion and assumed they'd caught Starscream, so he started throwing the water balloons. Cue Dreadwing throwing a - very mechly, he insists to this day - fit about being caught in one of 'our' stupid pranks - I tried to tell him I was just a spectator, but he wouldn't have it - and dragged all of us to the Bridge.)

(Lord Megatron was not happy about what happened to his First Lieutenant, and he wasn't buying that I hadn't been involved, either.)

(The twins, bless their sparks, insisted that I had nothing to do with the prank.)

(... I still got punished.)

_**Rule # 235: Even if it's a joke, don't ask if he has a "crush" on Knock Out. (By Randall Boggs)**_

(Guys, it's not funny.)

(Dreadwing doesn't think it's funny.)

(Knock Out doesn't think it's funny.)

(Breakdown doesn't think it's funny.)

(I don't think it's funny.)

(No one thinks it's funny. _No one._ Not a single Decepticon thinks it's funny. So don't even dare. I will hurt you. Badly.)

_**Rule # 236: Leave him alone when he goes to Skyquake's grave. (By Not-To-Fit-In)**_

(It's impolite to intrude, so leave him be. Not to mention that he's still extremely sensitive when it comes to Skyquake's death.)

(He needs his alone time. He never gets a break on the _Nemesis,_ and no one else really cares that his twin died - _in service to Lord Megatron._ That's gotta count for something, right? I mean, it's gotta mean something to someone besides me. I can't be the only one who feels a little bit sorry for Dreadwing, can I?)

(But, um... yeah, just let him go alone, okay? We'll all be happier for it.)

_**Rule # 237: He is not Knock Out; he doesn't like having pictures taken, regardless of what it's for. (By Not-To-Fit-In)**_

(Aside from Knock Out, Starscream is the only one who will let you take pictures of him for no good reason other than wanting to take pictures of him. The rest of the crew make it clear they don't like it, but they won't actively do anything about it should you decide to ignore them.)

(Dreadwing still can't quite grasp the concept of a 'subtle hint.')

(He outright told me that if I took another picture of him just because I could, he would ensure that A: my only partner on missions for the next month would be either Airachnid or an Insecticon, B: Starscream had a reason to try to shoot me again, and C: I had no time with Rumble whatsoever.)

(I don't know about you, but I thought that was pretty unfair. All the same, I didn't doubt he would follow through on the threat, so I stopped taking pictures.)

(It kind of sucked. All my best photos were of him. Knock Out and Starscream try to pose, and it looks unnatural on camera. The Vehicons get jumpy and end up making the pictures all blurry. Dreadwing is cool, relaxed, and best of all, natural.)

(I'm still snapping a quick pic or two of him when he's not looking, though. Please don't tell anyone. I can't handle being away from Rumble's adorable annoyingness.)

_**Rule # 238: Don't ask about Dreadwing's sparkling pics. (By Not-To-Fit-In)**_

(As adorable as they are, it's not worth the hassle of getting Dreadwing to show them to you or the potential for getting in trouble due to it being nigh impossible not to go around showing it to the crew.)

_**Rule # 239: Don't hook up tazers to his berth. (By Not-To-Fit-In)**_

(Frenzy thought it was a good idea. At that point, I should have learned that whatever Frenzy thinks is a good idea generally isn't. Scratch that, it never is. Okay, one time he had a good idea that worked out in everyone's favor, but come on, every other time, it's been a bad idea.)

(The only reason I went along with it was because the twins convinced me that the tazers didn't have enough power for him to feel anything beyond a very slight shock.)

(What liars.)

(Anyways, we connected the tazers and bolted from Dreadwing's quarters just as he walked in. Once the door slid shut behind us, we waited for some sign our plan had worked. A minute passed.)

(And another.)

(And then five.)

(Finally, we grew fed up and decided that he hadn't felt it. So we left to go find something else to do.)

(Two steps away from the door and cue a zapping sound, a shocked screech, and heavy footsteps coming in our direction.)

(Dreadwing had felt it. And he was mad.)

(The moment we saw his smoking frame, we knew we were fragged.)

(Instead of trying to convince him we thought he wouldn't feel it, we just accepted the punishment and moved on with our lives.)

_**Rule # 240: "How come you're built so much heavier than Screamer and Soundwave if you're a Seeker?" is not an appropriate question. (By Aliyah-7)**_

(The short answer: he's not that kind of Seeker.)

(The long answer: Dreadwing is from a different class of Seeker, those whose frames were designed and pieced together with combat in mind. Seekers like Starscream were designed with more 'acrobatic' flying in mind. Seekers like Soundwave were designed exclusively for espionage.)

(Therefore, Dreadwing's class of Seeker is just as deadly on the ground as in the air, and have a more varied arsenal of weapons to choose from, integrated or not; Starscream's class of Seeker is more effective in the air than on the ground, and better suited to aerial dogfights and high-speed chases; Soundwave's class of Seeker is able to move silently and quickly through any given area, and able to remain undetected even in the direct presence of the enemy.)

(Besides those three classes, there are - as far as I know - four other types of Seeker. I think they're extinct. That's what Rumble told me, anyway.)

* * *

**AN: Hey, guys. I need your help with something kind of important. I take it you've noticed by now how Shiloh doesn't refer to any of the Autobots by their names. To recap: Optimus Prime is "Prime," Ratchet is "the medic," Arcee is "the two-wheeler," Bulkhead is "the Wrecker," Bumblebee is "the scout," and Smokescreen is "the rookie."**

**I've gotten a few requests to do another chapter involving the Autobots, and some suggestions involving Wheeljack and Ultra Magnus. But I don't know what Shiloh would call them.**

**Do you have any ideas?**


End file.
